Is it Age?

I'm now officially 36, not a big deal in itself, I'll confess. Sometimes I think about what I thought I would have 'achieved' by this age and 36 never actually featured as an age by which I would have achieved something. When I was in my teens, I think 30 was the number. As I grew older, while I had things I wanted to do, I never had a specific timeline.

What I'm intrigued by now, is how comfortable I am with myself. I like the person I am now, I like that I'm able to separate feeling from action and that I try to react appropriately, adult-ly even, whenever possible. I like that I'm beginning to approach the tipping point where I will soon know 'enough'. In other words, where people will actually look to me for guidance and opinions, not because I'm right, but because they value my opinion and potentially insight. I like that I have insight :)

When I was younger, I discovered points of view and perspective, or rather, how perspective works. There is a Calvin and Hobbes strip that resonates very strongly, about how your world view can collapse if you can actually see all points of view, and personally, I think that is a wonderful thing. There's a family situation brewing, and in discussing it with the SO, I described what I see as true empathy, which is being able to see a person for who they are, and to know how they would handle a situation, without value judgement. It sounds strange, but the point I'm trying to make is, that with true empathy, your 'self' is removed from the picture, the other person's motivations are unimportant. Their actions are important, and their feelings, which they are making clear, are important. Why do I feel this is true empathy? Because it is devoid of value judgement, you can look at this dispassionately and know that they feel and act a certain way, and it's not good/bad or right/wrong. It just is. This is very liberating, because it takes away any thought or feeling that people are doing something to upset you, or hurt you specifically, or that they have even considered how you will feel about it. It's also liberating, because I know that very few other people think like me, and that it's not bad/wrong to not think like me. It's hurtful to me, but it's not bad/wrong.

The other thing is about sex. It's now more or less an itch, that can be ignored for a while and scratched whenever I have the time. I still think it's not ideal, but maybe the making of the decision to stay with SO took way the discussion/option of leaving for someone with a higher sex drive. And with SO... I guess it's become intensely familiar. Not that it's a bad thing, but maybe I'm finally bored of it, so the physical urge is just that, an urge that can be managed. Maybe it's noteworthy that I'm calling the act 'sex' rather than 'making love' and that we're now so 'together' that 'making love' even includes hanging out with family, or making a meal, or watching a movie, or even just talking.

There was a time, not too long ago, when I firmly believed that sex was essential, but more because I wanted physical contact. I wanted to be touched and to touch. I can see that now, I absolutely could not then. Or maybe I'm deluded now... I can't tell which, but now, there's more general touching, like hugging or sitting close, and that feels like enough.

I also realise that my body gives back what I give it. If I nourish it well and exercise regularly, I have more energy, glowing skin and obviously, a more toned body. Which means if I'm serious about children, I have to be serious about taking care of my body. In the past two months (April and May) I've been very bad about food and exercise, and my energy levels have been ... low. Not non-existent, just low. And it's now obvious to me that it's a choice I have made. I won't have the energy of a 20-year-old, but I can have more energy if I take better care of myself. Which again, is not impossible, just needs better planning, i.e. keeping more vegetables around and taking the effort to cook and eat.

Life is. It will be exactly what you make of it, and I choose daily to make my life positive and happy.

Following a Thought

The rage has reduced a little and it may have been chocolate addiction. Whatever it was, I'm acutely conscious of being 'disturbed'. So disturbed in fact, that I want to crawl into a hole and hide forever and ever. Or go away on a holiday where nobody knows me and spend a lot of time with myself and by myself. It's odd, that in this disturbance, I don't want to flee from me. I want to flee from my life.

Or maybe it's not so odd. The last times I had this feeling is when I made serious mistakes at work. I wanted to quit and run and hide. I didn't though, I worked through the mistake, did what I could to fix it and moved forward. Is that what I'm feeling now? That I've made a mistake?

The current disturbance is due to something that's become more and more painful with time. Children. I want them. For the past month or so, I'll be doing something, like drinking water, or watching TV, or walking, or driving and I'll think 'I want children'. It's moved well past a shadowy 'sometime in the future' to a 'now'. I've told myself many times that 'I want' is bad attitude. It's an expression of ego, which is selfish. Maybe my ego is bigger than I can handle? Maybe everything is going well enough that I think this should be too?

The thing is, this - children, is not in my control, but it is in our control as a couple. And it may be that I feel that I've done everything to achieve what SO wanted, been a very supportive girlfriend and spouse, and he's not doing the same for me. I feel this specially, today. Why specially? Because for a few days, I've been thinking about whether I want to pursue fertility options (IVF etc.) or adopt. Being in India, you would think it would be easy to adopt, and maybe it is, but it's also a time and money commitment, and then a wait. The wait can be anything from a few months to a few years. And for all of which, I want a partner. I want someone who is working through the issues and decisions with me.

Yesterday, I found a few online quizzes about whether I was ready to adopt and took them. I also had SO take them. One issue that they ask all adoptive parents to consider is whether you've accepted infertility, or in other words, whether you still hope that you'll get pregnant. I do. Mainly because I think I want to be pregnant. I want that experience for myself, but I also want to be a parent, and every so often the scale tips more to being a parent. SO took the same tests/quizzes and he apparently has accepted infertility, and harbours no hopes of getting pregnant.

I understand why he may think/feel this way, but surely this is something we should have a common view on? What is the point of me tracking my cycle, telling him when the time is right, fighting and crying about his 'interest' or lack thereof, if he's accepted that he is not going to father a child?

Also, he seems specifically blinded to one option, sperm donation. If it works, the resulting child would be related to me at least. I'll see myself, my parents, my brother etc. in him/her. Is that not desirable? Is it that he's decided that if he can't have children, I shouldn't as well? While I often think about this option, the logical follow through is considering if it makes sense to find a donor who is related to the SO, but that just starts sounding messed up. Asking someone (logically SO's brother) if he'd consider helping us have a child is... weird! Also, fortunately, SO's brother has just left the country for a long stint abroad.

The thing is, I'm still angry that I never seem to get anything my way in this relationship. I wanted to get married earlier, he didn't, we didn't. I want to have children, he didn't, we don't. And in each of these cases, it's not like he's saying 'no' upfront. If he did, I'd leave and build my life again. He keeps saying yes, but not now, yes but. I know it sounds like an exaggeration - not getting my way in anything. I suppose I've got my way in the house we live in (location) but it's a good decision. I also kind-of got my way in the car, but that was pretty much a joint decision and a good choice. What else? We've never had an issue of needing to live with in-laws, so no ways there. I will say, he's never tried to control my actions, and that is a big thing. It's big enough that a friend left her husband for the reverse. All my closest friends suffer from some amount or form of control, so this is a major plus. But on the minus side (shared by the friend who is now divorced from controlling) is the lack of ambition, lack of financial stability... leading me to feel ... insecure. And SO has been the cause for other insecurities for me as a woman.

I'm not saying he's a horrible person. He's not, just  that he doesn't know how to be my husband. That's something I've said before, and somehow, two months ago, he managed fine. So what's up now? Is he just more busy? Does he think that it's all fine now so he doesn't have to try anymore? Can he only do it for one month at a time? Should I negotiate for one month in a quarter? Is it worth negotiating these things? Shouldn't he feel like this, without being asked/told?

See, these kind of thoughts depress me. I feel unworthy and unloved. I don't like feeling this way, so try to divert myself, but this is a serious issue. One that comes up often too, so the correct answer is to talk about it, right? But can you talk someone into affection? Or attraction? I keep trying to distract myself, into telling myself that I have to do the right thing, and what he does is up to him. But now that makes me feel incredibly taken advantage of.

The other thing is, on the surface, we're fine. We know each other plenty well and can negotiate a life together easily. So if I ignore my 'disturbance', we can go weeks being superficially fine. But I can't ignore my disturbance, or at least not for too long. So I get grumpy, or sad, or fighty or something. And the cycle repeats. It's a cycle I hate, and I don't know how to break it. I think I need to see a counsellor again.

What's Up?

I've been in a rage the past few days. The only thing that keeps me on even keel is music. The slightest stupidity on the part of anybody else makes my blood boil instantly. It's making me an aggressive driver and a pretty rotten person.

I thought for a bit that it was just SO that I'm furious with, for a variety of reasons, but it's not just him. Last night, we were crossing a road and it pissed me off intensely that a two-wheeler, who had the rest of the road to choose from, was aiming for us. Made me angry, not just irritated. Today I drove in to work and man! Also, I came in to office to be social (i.e. hang out with my colleagues) but I really don't want to talk to the ones who are in office currently. I'm actively ignoring them and using music to drown out their voices.

I'm sure it's just PMS, but that's got to be wrong. Why is my PMS kicking my ass these days? I keep thinking I should exercise to keep it under control but I'm not remotely motivated enough and sometimes that pisses me off too. I'm a little scared, what if it's not PMS and it's me? Worse still, what if it is PMS and I can't manage it?