Yoda! That Old Frog!

I want to abuse Yoda a little more roundly, but I find I cannot. Words are hurtful things. But see, the dude said 'do or do not, there is no try', providing a super easy excuse for those who don't want to try. If there is no in between, then there is no failure.

Though maybe I'm being unfair to Yoda. He was only trying to encourage a boy to give something his best shot. Though he was using the word 'try' as somehow telling yourself that failure is acceptable. Is that really so bad? What is life but a series of tries? You find some things you can really make a go of, and you get to higher heights with them, but if you hadn't tried, where would you be? If you hadn't dipped your toe in the shallow end when you were afraid of the deep, would you ever have learnt to swim?

Personally, I think that trying is the most wonderful thing you can do for yourself. It opens you up to new experiences and new worlds, and it opens up parts of you, that you may never have known you had. I love trying new stuff, and my plan is to do something new regularly, just so I know how it works for me. I've learnt that I love swimming and my body's good at it. I'm mostly a self taught swimmer, but now I have pretty good technique, purely because I kept trying. I've learnt that I'm good at languages, I like learning and I love communicating, so it's been fun. Also, being in a class with other novice learners is wonderful, similar interests, similar levels of ability, camaraderie. I think I also like teaching, but that's one for the future. More immediately, I want to learn music again, probably the guitar because I still don't have room for a piano/keyboard, and scuba diving. Definitely scuba diving.

Yoda,  somethings I may do, somethings I may do not, but I will sure as hell try.

What I talk about, when I talk about Children

As with every relationship, the more things change, the more they stay the same. SO's being nice to me, but seems to be hoping that the difficult questions evaporate. The most difficult question is children. I think I finally asked it the right way yesterday. He's been saying 'we'll do whatever you want' and I finally was able to articulate that I'm not able to 'do what I want' because it's a child. We did research, field work and discussed for ages before we bought a house and a car, so why are we not doing the same for a child?

At the crux of it though, is what it means to me. I thought I would be able to live without children, but I find that I'm powerfully attracted to them. I want to smile at children, make faces at them, play with them etc. It's not too far out to imagine that I could feel a child would be better off with me, if left alone in a pram by tired parents. Even rationally, I've thought about the work of taking care of a child and I'm actually looking forward to it, I want to deal with ear aches and poopy diapers. I want to teach a child to eat and use a loo. I want a little person in my life, for whom everything is brand new.

And I want to share all this with someone who is as excited as I am about it. And maybe that someone is not SO, while that is sad, that is acceptable. Because I think it's really unfair to a child if we adopt it without this level of excitement and enthusiasm.

Writing Your Own Love Story

I'm back home now, back in my city, my office... I'm adjusting in some ways and being difficult in others. I thought that I'd explained enough to the SO, and I have in parts and have not in parts. I am though, sure that I'm not  going to leave him. It's not like I don't want to from time to time, but that I feel this is an important part of my life. He and his family are now an important part of my life and I don't think I have the inclination, energy or time to change that.

This realisation has made me believe that I must be more open about my issues, be more forthcoming about what I feel and why, so SO can decide what he wants to do about it. I think this approach is working well, because he now has more information about what it will take to make this work, and I am not feeling shut out or unimportant, because he's actively listening and responding.

This particular post though, is about love stories, the way they are in romance novels. I'm a romantic, was and probably always will be. Which means that I like a certain kind of man, the hero of a romance novel. I know that almost all romance novels are written by women, so there are no men like that, but I found this - http://juliagrey.wordpress.com/contributors-stories/ten-ways-to-be-a-lover-a-man-looks-at-romance-novels/ and it's spot on! Some of the 'characteristics' of a romantic novel hero include being super rich and good at everything, and having good genes (tall, dark and handsome) is obviously fictitious, and some of the behaviour advice, while in keeping with the genre, is just misogynistic (touch early and often) but some stuff is accurate for me.

In short, I would like my man to think only of me. Obviously not all the time, but from time to time I'd like to know that I'm the only thing on his mind, or at least that I am on his mind from time to time. I'd also like him to be the best I've ever had, and to declare himself repeatedly and often. I'm learning how to be more secure in myself, but that apart, I think in a relationship, I'd like to know that my significant other values me. For now, the message seems to be getting through, which bodes well for 2013.

I think i will have the love story I want, eventually. And when I tell it then, it will be with a relationship of long standing and a true life-partner. A worthwhile life and love story.