Happy Thanksgiving!

It was my first Thanksgiving in the US and I spent it with a second cousin and her friends. I had a much better time than I expected, because I expected a bunch of people talking about themselves (talk about low expectations!) What I found instead, were a bunch of bright, articulate people who were warm and welcoming, we played Taboo and some of us even watched a movie (Life of Pi). I got back today, have some work to get done, and potentially a dinner tonight. Most of the people I spoke to over Thanksgiving are older than me, and the one message I got for myself, is that you've got to be self-aware.

Life of Pi is a beautiful movie! It's so... beautiful! I haven't read the book and as always, the way India and Indians are portrayed jarred a bit, but it was still very beautiful. I'm guessing Irfan Khan will soon become a sought after Hollywood star, people will begin writing parts for him, which is good for all Indian talent in North America I guess.

Also, as some of the people I met over the weekend are very into music, I heard of 'Perfect' by Pink. Like everything else of it's type, this song made me cry. The sanitized video is simple, about how easy it is to make a child confused. Maybe it's especially true about little girls or girls, who are anyway bombarded with messages about body and beauty but maybe not. At any rate, as an adult (who should therefore know better) with self-esteem issues, this song made sense. I wanted to say that I've forgiven my parents for not noticing or not helping earlier, but that forgiveness is complete, so I no longer want to say that. They did their best, and I know that. So we're good. What's left now is for me to work on myself.

I saw a version of the Cinderella story, in some magical kingdom, with Anne Hathaway and a really cute prince. The twist in the story was that Ella was cursed to be obedient, when people discover this, they use it to their advantage, making her do things she doesn't want to, and to hurt people she likes.  [SPOILER ALERT] The way she breaks the curse though, is to tell herself what to do, while looking in a mirror. It's a very simple twist, which she doesn't discover till a very crucial point in the story, but that's the key isn't it?

We grow up, believing what the world tells us about us. We grow older and learn about ourselves, learn that we can change and learn new stuff, be different. And I'm  now working on telling myself what to believe about me. I may not be perfect, but I am certainly enough.

Clashing Tides

Today, my parents depart after visiting the US for 55 days. When they came, I realised that it had been over 10 years since I shared a house with them for more than an occasional day. For one month, we shared a bathroom, then they travelled for 2 weeks and now for another 9 days, we've been 'family' again. Not a complete family as my brother is elsewhere (where they were for 2 weeks) and somehow, the thought of them leaving makes me tear up.

I thought it might be relief that they're going, but it's not. I'm going to miss having them around, as remarkably weird as that sounds.Sure, we aggravated each other, but we're family, we took the aggravation and tried to be nicer. They did stuff like grocery shopping and cooking and fixing things, so I wouldn't have to. I took them places and negotiated the unfamiliar as much as I could, so they didn't have to. And this is what it's about. 3 adults who like each other enough to make allowances for tempers and moods, and want to help each other do less. What also upsets me is that when we all go back (I follow in just about 2 weeks) we'll go back to seeing each other once on 2 weeks or 3 weeks for 2 hours or so, our lives going back to routines that don't include each other, and this makes me ineffably sad. I guess I finally understand what the parent-child relationship is. Especially one where we've all made our peace with the people we are, have gone beyond control issues, so genuinely respect each other and trust each other.

I'm going to miss my mommy and daddy!

The Things You Know

Or don't know or want to learn or want to ignore... or whatever :)

When I was little, I heard or read the story of the monk in training who studied for years and years and then took the all important exam. The exam had a single question 'What do you know?' The eximinee wrote pages and pages and thought hard and took as long as he possibly could. When the results came out, he had failed and he complained bitterly to his master. The master just told him that he hadn't leant the right lesson. So the monk studied harder for many more years, and then took the exam again. The question was the same, but this time, the examinee answered with a single sentence. When he read the sentence, the master hugged the monk and told him he had passed.

The thing about this story is, they don't tell you what the sentence is. So when I was little, I thought the sentence was 'I don't know anything.' I was in my teen years, or maybe early 20s, learning about biases and stereotypes and how colour is a concept and numbers are representations, I thought that must be it. Nobody could say with any certainty that they knew anything at all.

Then a few years ago, I found QI. IT's a quiz show on BBC which is now in it's 10th season, which I discovered in my 30s. As it's not available on TV where I am, it's available on YouTube :) QI is merely an example, but basically, though my life, I've retained a curious spirit, I want to know more. I keep reading things, learning things, forgetting things, but I want to know more. And paradoxically, I found there were some things I was sure I knew. Things like you must always be kind. Things like all people are the same and must be treated equally.

So now, in my mid-30s, my answer to the monk's exam question is 'I have a lot to learn.' Maybe one day I will find the answer to the question in the actual story, but till then, this is my answer.

Soft

I can't tell if I'm too soft, but I'm weird. I cry easily, in a way that people that know me, both personally and professionally (apart from the SO) would not expect or even acknowledge. When I am with myself, when I'm fully me, hurt touches me deeply and the grave injustices of the world suggest that God is not kind or beautiful and certainly not all-loving. I've felt like this before, when my 30 year old cousin died from a brain aneurysm that a 30 year old had no business having. Leaving behind him a wife who was his college sweetheart who had to go through another marriage to get to him, and a 4 month old baby who is almost 4 now, growing up with words about her father instead of memories.

Today, thanks to Google's abilities to find something or the other in response to any search query, I found http://munchkinmom.blogspot.com/. A blog by a lady who was married to a man she loved and who loved her. Three children, two of whom were adopted, two with special needs, one with psychological issues that they were working with. The last post was in October 2011, talking about how the family scatterred the ashes of her husband. I read on to the time he died, a 46 year old man who died of a heart attack, suddenly one Saturday, while with his children. Then I went back to the last published post and noticed a list of comments. The blogger had herself, passed away 2 days after her last post, injured fatally in a freak road accident. At first, reading her blog, I cried for what she'd lost, and how simply she talked about her challenges. And how she was being a good person, choosing the 'right way' each time, every day, though it's a very difficult thing to do. And then I cried for the children. In 3 months, their world changed completely. From struggling with their issues with the support of two wonderful, loving, caring parents, they had to face the world themselves. They continued to have family, a grand parent and an aunt, and I hope they are doing well, but my heart goes out to them.

I can't tell what it is, but these ordinary cruelties of life are killing me these days.

Inside a Lamb ... or was it a Cow?

I now own a leather jacket that I promise to love and cherish until death parts me from it. It is soft and supple and tan and... beautiful. I feel, at some level, sad that it was an animal that is no more, but I also feel glad that it is now mine, and how wonderful it is to have this beautiful thing to keep the wind away from me. My time in DC is coming to an end and I've to contemplate packing. Thanks to the new jacket, I now can send back several other bulky jackets with my parents who are off 10 days before me.

My dear animal that died so I could find this jacket, thank you. I see you!

I'm also writing now, to remind myself that I see me. Whatever happens to me, around me and for me, I need to remember it is who I am on the inside that counts. Beauty, for the world, is a flexible concept. A beautiful person though, is one who is always appreciated and yes, even loved.

I can accept that I am and probably always will be a romantic. I am a sucker for a happy ending and I believe in true love and mush. I don't think I want to change that. What I do want to remember though, is that havng or not having that in my life doesn't make me any more or less of a person. Or even a less beautiful person. Yes, there is the yearning to be able to attract that kind of love and longing, but it's ok. If it's not for me, it's ok.

What is for me is knowing that I am and want to remain a good person. I want to remain kind and helpful, looking at the bright side of things, believing the best of people and situations. I want to keep learning and trying to do the right thing. I want to be the best person I can be in this life, to cause the least hurt and pain, and be the most support that I can be. And my face and figure are coincidenes of genetics which I can work to keep healthy, but will not attract lasting love or friendship the way my personality will.

What is Wrong with TV Today

I'm saying 'today' but what I really mean, is in the age when broadcasting companies seem to have forgotten that they are also held to some standards. When TV was invented, the first uses were to share information, like the news, or like shows on science or the natural world etc. But people, being people, they quickly got bored, so TV became entertainment. Anything wrong with that? No, not at all. But what I now take objection to is what is considered entertaining, and who is watching it.

TV came into my life in my teenage years, when I was impressionable and didn't really have opinions of my own. I was also just beginning to despise my parents (something I've now grown out of) so obviously nothing they said was any good. What I did have though, was TV programming that had people who tried to do the right thing. Where the characters acted on their best impulses rather than their worst ones, where the moral was that if you do the right thing, everything always works out. Heck, where there was a moral!

Maybe that kind of TV is now seen as boring, but trust me, there are a lot more impressionable children watching TV now than there were back then, and maybe they don't have good examples in their daily lives. Maybe they don't have access to literature, where you can see characters in stories work out these things and learn from them, and maybe they deserve this insight?