The Private and the Public

When you study any sort of social science, you get drawn into discussions of this sort. Is there a divide between the private and the public? Should there be? Do some people lose their right to this divide by virtue of public office? Is that fair? The reason I am bringing this up now is because a senior politician has resigned from certain posts because a member of his household staff released some footage of said politician indulging in what is arguably sexual intercourse with a woman who is not his wife. Why this footage was created, nobody seems to care. Why is that a question you ask? Because if he w a hot shot politician, it would be a sex tape that someone was making for extortion. That is a crime and nobody would be asking who the woman is. As a citizen of this country, do I care that the man is being unfaithful? Maybe a little, but very little. If he was extorting sexual favours from people who came to him for help, I would be more concerned. What has allegedly happened is that his rights, and the rights of his partner and family have been violated, and he is being punished for it. Do I condone adultery? No, but it is not my business. If the man's wife chooses to take action, I would support her, if she doesn't, it is her choice. If the other woman has been coerced and chooses to speak out about it, I would support her. At present, I support him as a victim of a rights violation, which is going uninvestigated because he is famous and has apparently given up a right to privacy.

Who I am and What I do

I am enjoying my 30s. I'm young and healthy, earning well and working smart. Also, I seem to have attained some kind of internal balance. I understand myself so much better, my moods, my triggers, what upsets me and why, all good things, because I can do something about fixing issues.

I will not currently post about relationships, because those are impacted by this confidence and awareness and are all coping in their own ways.

What I do want to say is that I still find Sufi music the most comforting. I'm not sure whether it's the music or the lyrics, but it seems to work well. I'm curious about this because I have experience with hymns, which express very similar feelings, in very similar words (albeit in English) but I'm seeking out my Sufi songs and not hymns. I'm also intrigued by the lack of Hindu religious music in my head. I'm not sure this is a bad thing, but I don't want to discriminate :)

It's only April and actually a lot has happened this year. A lot more promises to happen and I'm growing as a person. I'm happy with this growth.

Update of sorts

So we went for counselling and it was pretty good. SO said stuff to her that he hasn't said to me and I could see how I am shortchanging him at times. A promising start. He also made an appointment with a doctor for tests and put himself through the humiliation of a physical exam. The actual tests will only be on Monday but it's another step towards me.

And he bought me this kick-ass phone! It is a HTC One X and is not yet a phone because it doesn't have a sim card, but it is now my computer and is great fun!

SO if you read this, I love you. I know I've been a bitch to you lately but I do love you. I don't want to leave you but still don't understand what will keep us together if we don't have children. I am sorry.

Counselling

Tomorrow, we go for our first counselling session. I've never been, and when things with SO are going well, I see no need. We actually talk to each other, have fun in each other's company, are nice to each other, show respect etc. And then one or the other of us makes the mistake of bringing up children, or sex, or travel or one of the many hot button issues, and it all falls apart from there. On days when we're both relaxed and willing to try to keep tempers in check, we find some way around this, but it's killing me at some level to have to avoid topics and things.

What's killing me the most is that I'm going to be 35 and I've spent 11 years with this man. If he's not able to see a future for us that's at least related to what I see, then I'll probably want out (will take a few months to figure that out). By then, I'll be even older, and my chances at finding happiness and maybe a family with someone else will be very low.

Do I want to leave him? No, not really. I do love him, I enjoy his company, but it's hard to get his company and though it's been better in the last 2 months, the lack of sex was also very difficult to deal with. I don't want to have to beg for conversation and affection in my marriage, I believe it should be a part of the package.

However, I also believe that SO can't give me these things easily. For him, it's a real effort to engage with someone else, even if that someone is me. And I'm tired of forcing him to engage.

I don't know what we'll get out of tomorrow's session, but I suppose it's a good start.