The weekend was quite crap. I was terribly upset with SO who seems to register this but doesn't seem to know what to do about this. So... it wasn't a fun/easy weekend, me on the edge, him trying to keep me from crying and not succeeding for the most part.
Today, I had planned to work and then go meet a school friend, who's changed rather dramatically since I last knew her. But I got a call from another school friend this morning. I met her, her husband and their 2 year old on Saturday. She called to tell me that she's expecting their second child.
For a few minutes, I could not understand why she would call to tell me this, till she went on to say that they don't want a second child, they're strongly considering termination but if we want the child, they will give the child to us. When she said this, I knew I was not going to be working today.
I told SO and he's actually quite excited. I don't think he understands what is involved, but he's excited. All set to tell his parents so they can prepare the broader family. We're basically adopting, and he's quite happy with that.
The day has been... insane I think. I went to bed, I got up and ate lunch, I cried and cried, I read some stuff online, I'm writing this post. I wanted to write it for a number of reasons.
The main reason is that I wanted to record my friend's offer. She trusts us enough to offer to carry a child to term, so we can have a baby, she trusts us enough to bring up their child. I'm extremely touched. Thank you!
I'm also conflicted as hell, and like with several other major decisions in my life, I'm looking for a sign from God that this is for me, it would be fun if there was actually a sign :)
Monday, October 10, 2011
Tuesday, October 04, 2011
Incidental Lucidity
I'm still navigating through my own minefields, trying not to create craters or trip wires, and trying hard not to pre-judge where SO and I will end up. This morning, I was attacked by a deep sadness. I was struck by this sadness because my past has always led me to believe that there will be a reward for me in this life time.
When I say 'my past' it's a situation of child sexual abuse that I had to cope with all by myself. When I was coping, I believed that my reward would be a loving, stable romantic relationship. Now that I'm 10 years in my romantic relationship and it seems like it will not help me fulfill parts of my dreams for myself, I guess I feel profoundly let down.
That's not to say I blame the relationship or SO for this. My marriage will be with SO and I can make of it, and if we can't make much of it, that's all on us. What I'm now grappling with is the death of a separate hope. The hope that getting myself through some pretty dark times would be rewarded in this life time.
I guess we all believe what we need to, to get us to where we need to go. The question is, was it all worth it. I'm pretty damned sure that I'll make it all worth while. I've not fought to get to this stage of myself without making something of my life that I will be happy with. I may never write a book or inspire great deeds in others, but I'm not giving up on myself. Whether or not others give me what I feel I deserve, I will give it to myself.
When I say 'my past' it's a situation of child sexual abuse that I had to cope with all by myself. When I was coping, I believed that my reward would be a loving, stable romantic relationship. Now that I'm 10 years in my romantic relationship and it seems like it will not help me fulfill parts of my dreams for myself, I guess I feel profoundly let down.
That's not to say I blame the relationship or SO for this. My marriage will be with SO and I can make of it, and if we can't make much of it, that's all on us. What I'm now grappling with is the death of a separate hope. The hope that getting myself through some pretty dark times would be rewarded in this life time.
I guess we all believe what we need to, to get us to where we need to go. The question is, was it all worth it. I'm pretty damned sure that I'll make it all worth while. I've not fought to get to this stage of myself without making something of my life that I will be happy with. I may never write a book or inspire great deeds in others, but I'm not giving up on myself. Whether or not others give me what I feel I deserve, I will give it to myself.
Monday, October 03, 2011
Time Goes By...
Didn't realise it had been 2 months! Have these months been specifically busy? Probably not, but they have been confusing. I'm going to be quite chaotic, once again lulled into a sense of security by the lack of readership.
One: Pepper is the greatest spice in the world! Pepper cures throat problems for me, without any need for medication. I add pepper to milk, food, honey and warm water and I'm almost miraculously cured.
Two: My life is in a whirl. I don't know why or for how long but things are slightly messed up. It began in August when I found myself getting depressed for not very good reasons, picking fights with SO, not wanting to work, etc. It didn't get better through September and I'm probably going to look for a counsellor. I have though (as of a few days ago) decided to chill a bit. To stop looking for instant answers and to stop trying to rush through life aiming to achieve goals that may not be for me.
In this year so far, I've taken several steps forward personally, I have a few more to take, but I'm more 'put together' in appearance than I was last year. I'm healthier and more content in my own skin. Just not in my own mind.
It is likely that making these steps (which I had earlier thought were impossible) has led me to think that I can achieve anything (including getting pregnant) or basically, to push for having children. A rather ironic mission given that SO is rather adamant that he wants none. This on the eve of turning 35, is more stress than I have known how to cope with. There was also some work stress, but the combination was killing me.
I found myself turning excessively self destructive, willing to damage a relationship that I've built over time, willing to damage my professional life, just so I could crawl into a hole and hide. I'm coping by avoiding difficult decisions/conversations, or postponing them and then taking what appears to be a reasoned approach. When I realised that my actions were tending towards destructive, I was able to calm down and not do anything spur of the moment. To take stock, if you will.
I also realised that with this whirling going on, I was again contemplating suicide very seriously. The last time I contemplated it this seriously was when I felt I was letting everybody down. At present, I feel like this again. I'm letting family down by not having a baby, I'm letting SO down by wanting things that he cannot give me, I'm letting work down by slowing down decisions and even making wrong decisions, surely the most sensible way out of this is to end it all?
I just read an article by someone I know (he's a psychiatrist) and his view is that the urge to commit suicide is not rational or logical. Given that I believe I'm both, and that the only rational and logical answer to this world of pain I find myself in presently, is to end it, I was intrigued. He's right of course, there are 'emotional forces that are sabotaging the normal workings of the mind'.
If only I could fix these emotional forces, or if I knew what it would take for them to go away. The most depressing part of all this is, that with my new found 'put togetherness' I cannot confess this level of depression to anybody. Which is why I need a counsellor.
While I want to rave and rant about what I'm thinking and feeling, I'm actually thinking and feeling a lot more clearly currently, and I don't want to vent unnecessarily. Suffice it to say, I'm going through some reinvention processes. This may mean that things in my life change, whatever it is though, it's not fun.
One: Pepper is the greatest spice in the world! Pepper cures throat problems for me, without any need for medication. I add pepper to milk, food, honey and warm water and I'm almost miraculously cured.
Two: My life is in a whirl. I don't know why or for how long but things are slightly messed up. It began in August when I found myself getting depressed for not very good reasons, picking fights with SO, not wanting to work, etc. It didn't get better through September and I'm probably going to look for a counsellor. I have though (as of a few days ago) decided to chill a bit. To stop looking for instant answers and to stop trying to rush through life aiming to achieve goals that may not be for me.
In this year so far, I've taken several steps forward personally, I have a few more to take, but I'm more 'put together' in appearance than I was last year. I'm healthier and more content in my own skin. Just not in my own mind.
It is likely that making these steps (which I had earlier thought were impossible) has led me to think that I can achieve anything (including getting pregnant) or basically, to push for having children. A rather ironic mission given that SO is rather adamant that he wants none. This on the eve of turning 35, is more stress than I have known how to cope with. There was also some work stress, but the combination was killing me.
I found myself turning excessively self destructive, willing to damage a relationship that I've built over time, willing to damage my professional life, just so I could crawl into a hole and hide. I'm coping by avoiding difficult decisions/conversations, or postponing them and then taking what appears to be a reasoned approach. When I realised that my actions were tending towards destructive, I was able to calm down and not do anything spur of the moment. To take stock, if you will.
I also realised that with this whirling going on, I was again contemplating suicide very seriously. The last time I contemplated it this seriously was when I felt I was letting everybody down. At present, I feel like this again. I'm letting family down by not having a baby, I'm letting SO down by wanting things that he cannot give me, I'm letting work down by slowing down decisions and even making wrong decisions, surely the most sensible way out of this is to end it all?
I just read an article by someone I know (he's a psychiatrist) and his view is that the urge to commit suicide is not rational or logical. Given that I believe I'm both, and that the only rational and logical answer to this world of pain I find myself in presently, is to end it, I was intrigued. He's right of course, there are 'emotional forces that are sabotaging the normal workings of the mind'.
If only I could fix these emotional forces, or if I knew what it would take for them to go away. The most depressing part of all this is, that with my new found 'put togetherness' I cannot confess this level of depression to anybody. Which is why I need a counsellor.
While I want to rave and rant about what I'm thinking and feeling, I'm actually thinking and feeling a lot more clearly currently, and I don't want to vent unnecessarily. Suffice it to say, I'm going through some reinvention processes. This may mean that things in my life change, whatever it is though, it's not fun.
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