Oh No!

I can't believe I'm messing up as much as I am. Two things that I'm dealing with show signs of going horribly wrong. In each of them I have excuses but they're just that ... excuses. I should have been more careful in the first place. I'm very worried about myself now. Usually I make a mistake, I go through hell for a while and then I recover confidence. In these two... I really don't know what to say. One is a horrible horrible mistake, but with some finger pointing I can get through it. I don't want to engage in finger pointing as it serves no purpose. I'd much rather just grovel. I fully plan to as well. Grovel till I can go no lower. Fortunately the people I'm working with have been supportive to some degree. They also have to face the flack for this and we're all in together - sink or swim.

The problem is that these mistakes have shaken me quite badly. I don't want to do any more work for fear of what I'll miss. I know that I'm not incompetent. I also know that I am not stupid. But when I make mistakes, they're not missing full stops or bad capitalization. They're things that make people very angry. They make me very nervous because they're mistakes. They're not wrong decisions that I took. I can live with those also. I thought about something and got it wrong... somewhat scary. But I just got something wrong? Way scarier!!

Just now I discovered that there are some other mistakes with regard to the same piece of work. Not mistakes I made, as I asked questions and got the wrong answers. But I guess this means that next time I will not ask questions with regard to that. I'm very horrified with the mess I'm in.

Crossroads

Life has been somewhat exciting of late. I've got a job offer, without looking. It seems interesting and I've applied formally, but nobody in my present office knows that I've done this. At some point, I've to break the fact of applying to my main friend here. To ensure that he's not caught off guard if I leave. Because of this excitement, I'm not very enthusiastic about work and am quite looking forward to leaving. This is forcing me to clean up stuff here to ensure completion before I leave... if I leave. Not altogether a bad thing.

Apart from that a very close friend is in India and I've not met her for about 4 years. Imagine that! 4 years. Fortunately email is an option, but 4 years is really long! Anyway, I get to see her this weekend, for just about a day, but such is life. The tough part is that she's going through a crisis with her husband and is not very excited about it. We'll see how it works out, but basically, it's not a happy thought. She was amongst the first of us to get married and we thought it was all very romantic. Now, 7 years later, if she's not happy... I doubt any one of us will tell her to hang on to something that's causing more pain than pleasure... But where does that leave the concept of marriage? All of us got into relationships and then got married. This one took the least time over it, but still, she knew the man fairly well before any knots were tied. However, she didn't know herself very well. The rest of us... 4 years+ on the relationship followed by marriage. Even then it's not easy so I can't imagine what it's like to find yourself and then find yourself in a relationship that you no longer want... or are not sure that you want.

Cafe Mondegar, here we come!! Maybe I will attempt a little Leopold's as well...

and then...?

To anybody who's seen Dude Where's My Car, a very recognisable line. But frankly, it could be the main line of my life. Is this all there is to it? Is there no glory to my days? Do I want glory? All glorious lives have oodles of drama and pain. Suffering, rising above odds, that sort of thing. My thougths just run together and run on and on. Where's the suffering? Where are the overwhelming odds? Maybe I have complex... there's probably a term for it as well. Only those who've truly suffered deserve to succeed. Something Christian there I believe. I remember when I was a child we saw this movie in school (a convent school in case you hadn't already guessed). It was about this nun in a convent who saw visions of Mary smiling at her. Another nun in the convent was very upset that she, who prayed hard and did more penance did not see the visions. Why, she asked, did the other nun deserve this honour? At some later point a doctor informed this second nun that the first nun had a degenerative and very painful hip condition which meant she would soon not be able to walk. The second nun was mortified because nobody knew that the first nun was so afflicted, she bore it all without a trace of discomfort. To make up for her jealousy and to serve the lord better, she took to carrying the first nun once she could no longer walk.

In short, to earn a glimpse of heaven, you need to be in more pain and agony than your fellow people. And am I? Somebody once said that creative souls are oversensitive. Maybe that's my excuse. I'm creative :) Cause I certainly am oversensitive. But will it ever amount to anything?

I'll do my job, I'll proceed with my life. Hopefully I'll acquire new skills along the way and keep learning some more about life and people in general but somehow, I miss the creative life. I want to write, I want to express but it gets harder. Sometimes because I don't have time and sometimes because it would be hurtful to others. Does it count? Can you explain to friends and family that though you made their pain public, you provided insight... and others love it. Is that good enough? Can I claim that I'm an artist and therefore a free spirit? That I should be free to follow my fancies? Can't one be a responsible artist?...

I guess everybody has questions and is looking for answers. I've my own questions and sometimes I find answers. Every so often I wonder what's better... to renounce all responsibility and abandon myself to life completely, or to be ... well, adult. To think things through and decide about a course of action based on the action and the possible consequences. Boring what?