Football Fever

I love football as a sport, it requires extreme athleticism and extreme teamwork. At present though, I am feeling like a football.

In some ways, a football has only one job, to get passed from foot to foot (or occasionally hand) for about 100 minutes per game. I am currently being passed from foot to foot, while being expected to continue performing my daily tasks, at the same level of efficiency and quality as always.

I am slightly surprised by how much this has thrown me. Let's try to unpack.

On Thursday, 20th September, 2018, my boss announced that I was being moved to a different team. There was no news on who I'd be moving to, or what I would do in this new team. I made some assumptions, and was slightly angry that my input was not sought in this process. I understood, but I was not happy. The move was announced on Friday 21st September, 2018, with some more announcements about which team I would go to and who I'd be reporting to. Some comfort there, it seemed like a vote in favour of my capabilities. There were some grey areas/gaps, but I was comfortable that I was being taken care of.

On Monday, 24th September, 2018, I realised that I saw things a little differently than the reality, and thought that with my current boss's support, we can get there. I tried to get to speak to my current boss, but was fobbed off to a later date. I was disconcerted, but carried on with some activities related to the move. All the activities seemed like they made sense, had good feedback, and I asked again, to speak to my boss regarding the activities. I was given a hearing on 28th September, 2018 (which went very well with regard to the activities) and informed that, once again, I would be changing managers. Again, I understand, but am now seriously disturbed.

Why am I disturbed? I have a list, which we may work through:

1. I have a very full plate;
2. I need time to process change, and I'm having changes flung at me, without any space to process them;
3. I do not know whether my new manager will be as receptive to my need for flexibility and my style of operations as my old manager (not interim manager, who knows nothing about this) will be, which makes me afraid for my role in the organisation;
4. I do not know what is expected of me;
5. I feel seriously disrespected, in that my inputs were not sought, not once, but twice, and there is an underlying assumption that I will be fine with it.
6. I work best when I feel appreciated. I can be underpaid and overworked and I will still deliver, as long as I know that my work is appreciated. All of this leaves me feeling that my work is not appreciated, or that I'm being taken advantage of.
7. When I feel unappreciated, or taken advantage of, I lose motivation to work. Because my primary motivation is to be told I'm doing a good job.

I feel like a tightly wound spring, and I need to uncoil because I'm not able to cope with my son, a child, who will one day have to learn to cope with this stuff himself. Why?

It feels like the answer is that my coping mechanisms are as follows:

1. Withdraw into myself;
2. Identify the source of the discomfort;
3. Evaluate measures to deal with said discomfort;
4. Deploy measures to deal;

This takes time and space, which I lack during the work week, because - life. SO has been incredibly supportive this weekend, allowing me the time and space I need to make my peace with my life at present.

I'm now at Stage 3 - evaluate measures to deal. The measures that I'm adopting are:

1. Remember that there's a team looking to me for direction on how to react. If I react poorly, they will react poorly;
2. Remember that I do not need this job. It is a job, and it is work, I have set my life up in a way that means I can quit the job, and not find myself flat on my face;
3. I want to be professional enough to complete all tasks well, because that's the standard I hold myself to, irrespective of what the organisation expects of me;
4. I need to prepare talking points to highlight my discomfort to the organisation, so that the next time they embark down this path, they do not treat someone like me, the way they have treated me.

In short, at present, I have the upper hand and moral high ground. I can take the high road, because that's who I am, but I must also call out what I perceive as disrespect, so that the organisation is also held to a higher standard.

As always, thank you blog, for listening!

Of Jobs and Work

One thing I prided myself on, was not needing to worry about money. In my working life so far, money had come to me when I needed it, and usually as much, or more than I needed. I have had managers who were appreciative of my efforts and skills, and were communicative of it.

I now find myself in a situation where money is becoming a bit of a challenge, as I need to plan for education for my child, and potentially other living arrangements. I also have a manager who claims to be appreciative of my efforts and skills, but appreciation does not extend to financial incentives. My organization recently underwent a salary revision, ostensibly company-wide, but I was not considered. Not because I was not eligible, but because my boss did not think I needed one. When I questioned this, she seemed to suggest that I am not doing enough.

That has cut me to the quick. After the hurt subsided, I am now dealing with the anger, and the accompanying lack of motivation. I genuinely believe I have gone above and beyond, working at every available opportunity, sometimes on weekends. By nature, I do not complain, and until now, I have not had to ask for a raise or a promotion because it seemed obvious that I deserved one.

According to SO, the challenge might be in my boss's attitude as much as it is in my lack of outward communication of what I do. This may be accurate as well, but it is outside my control, so, is it worth considering?

The reason I need to blog about this, where I tend not to blog about work, is because I remain very angry. So angry, that I'm not interested in doing any of the work that I have accepted already. I am, similarly, not inclined to take on new work. I know this about myself, I thrive with recognition, even if it is not public recognition. I need my boss/manager to pat me on the head and say I've been a good girl. I am now old enough to stop with this attitude.

I need to grow up in this area and decide whether I'm going to do the work to a level satisfactory to me, and have it out with my boss, or I'm going to have it out with my boss about how this has impacted me, and that I'm not sure that I can continue working even to the level that I have so far.

I need to be clear and practical about what I can realistically manage. To be pragmatic about the demands I am placing on myself, and how sustainable they are. And then communicate this to my boss transparently. If this means my ratings suffer, or that I am not considered for future promotions/hikes, so be it. Because to me, it will mean that I'm putting my health and family first.

Just to be clear, what I have done in the past year, definitely since June 2017, is to put this job first. I've relocated my son (granted, he is happier), relocated my family, and worked at every available opportunity on week days. I count socializing with work colleagues as working, because it is not 100% socializing, it involves building a culture and sharing experiences and guidance.

Can I say with objectivity, that my boss has been unfair? I don't know, because I cannot see anybody else's experience. I cannot force her to share information about anybody else, nor do I want her to. I realise my fundamental mistake is in not realising (a) that she doesn't have any benchmarks to evaluate whether I get paid appropriately for the market here; and (b) I don't know what kind of communication she expects about what I do.

Doing work... this one I have to figure out. I cannot compromise my health and sanity, and I need to understand whether this team values my intellectual pursuits at all or not. If they do, then I'm ready to continue contributing them. If not, I'm willing to do that work for me, and not share with the team. Will that change my visible contribution of work? Probably not, but it will make things much more bearable for me. To constantly feel I am not doing enough is not working for me.

What can I do about it? Earlier this year, I spoke to my boss about going back to part-time. That worked for her and for me (though I needed more money). If I can go back to part-time with the current expense model, which will force more saving and less guilt/more rest, I should be better. Why does the less guilt/more rest matter? Because when I'm tired or sad, I eat. And this 'eating' involves ordering food, which is not cheap. It's a vicious cycle, but one that I know I can nip in the bud, if I'm smart about how I manage. I need to speak to SO about this, because it will impact our financial situation, but at this point, it's probably best for all of us. If I officially work only 6 hours a day, then I have time to cook/exercise during the day. It makes me less on edge around the child, as I don't have more tasks to complete when he's around. It also means I can relax a little regarding evening calls, so will be more relaxed when he goes to sleep.

Is this the 'fair' outcome? I don't think so, but I'm willing to put off fairness for now, focussing instead on what is best for my family and I, and how we can get through the next year, when the child will be old enough for school, so another new set of parameters will need to be adjusted to.

Thank you for listening, dear blog! I'm glad I'll always have you!

Letting Go

I need to free myself of expectations that I appear to have of SO. I keep telling myself that the expectations are based on commitments he made, but that doesn't change reality. The reality is that he doesn't live up to those expectations. This means that I'm constantly irritated that he's not doing what he said he'd do. Which doesn't help with my peace of mind.

What I need to do, is to let go of these expectations, and cope with life as it is. Not as it was supposed to be. It's not easy, but it's necessary. What it is, is that on weekdays I should be prepared to be a single parent. If he works late hours, then he's not going to be available in the morning either. If I want to find time for exercise, I've to do it while at work. If that means I miss team lunches on 2 days, that's what I need to do. I'll pick that thought up a little later.

I need to plan meals and cooking around the time I have available, probably mornings and afternoons, planning to cook once in 3 days so there is relatively fresh food. There is the option of alternating rice and rotis. Planning meals will need to happen by Friday evening, so shopping can be meaningful. Meals are breakfast, snack and dinner, 5 days a week and breakfast, lunch, snack and dinner for the remaining 2. Snack can be fruit on several days, but some alternatives need to be available, like pancakes/bread and cheese... look for other options. Breakfast also needs a few more options to be generated.

Exercise. This needs to become a priority. When/how. Needs a little more thought.

Relationship: This one is now on the back-burner. I need no expectations here, I cannot have any of SO.