Love or Something Like It

I may have posted something about when I was in school, and a friend asked me, what love feels like. We were 16-17 year-olds, in the throes of crushes and first relationships. I had crushes, and only knew those as 'love'. So my answer was that when you see that 'someone', it kind of takes your breath away. You gasp a little.

Now, I am more than double that age, and I understand there is a lot more to this emotion, now I would probably say it has to do with knowing someone has your back and you have theirs. That you'll do whatever it takes to give them what they want, that you want to see them smile, and seeing them smile makes you smile. And I also understand that there's intense attraction. The kind that takes your breath away.

What I've not experienced enough (or not noticed) is another person being attracted to me. I think a lot of it has to do with the way I present myself, in the sense that I'm not 'out there'. It is easier for people to like me, than to 'fall for' me. And for the most part, I'm ok with that. Once in a while it would be nice to feel that someone is losing his breath because of me. That he's flustered when he's talking to me because he wants to make a good impression, and that there's a warmth in his eyes that is only for me.

This love, or rather, this attraction, is what is in movies. The intense attraction that two people who do not know each other feel, inexplicable, but strong.

As I grow older, I am quite impressed by some movies/stories and the acting, the ability of the actors to show us what the characters are feeling. And it turns out that in the 1990s, Shahrukh Khan worked hard at this. His image of a romantic hero was well deserved at that time. Now, increasingly, it feels like he's sleepwalking through roles. I guess this has something to do with watching Dilwale Dulhaniya, Kuch Kuch Hota Hai and K3G in the space of a week.

Flogging a Dead Horse?

I am furious. I am not completely sure why I am this angry and at some level, am even concerned by the depth of this emotion. Not furious in general, furious in the very specific, with SO.

I am once again, trying to be healthy and am working on the eating part, though I have found reasons not to exercise for a full week. This morning, it was all set, I could have gone. Why did I not? Because I did not want to think. It was as simple as that. When I walk, I think. I could have thought about work, but there are no tensions or issues that need resolution, so I would not really have thought about work. And the other thing I could have thought about, I really did not want to. The other thing being this rage.

Which made me force myself to think about it a little later, specifically when I was driving, so I could begin to understand. I did some thinking and I think I scratched the surface. Now though, it feels like things are a little clearer.

The root of the issue actually is my impending job move. There are issues between SO and me, there are communication issues and irritations, but this move is adding to the complications.

Turns out, I don't really want to move. I'm happy with my life in this city, with my home, with the bikes etc. The role I am in currently is also good and growing since my boss went back to the US (and my new boss was an old boss, so working is easier). I had thought about not changing roles, but they were going to bring in someone to replace the boss who went back, and then I'd have to cope with a new boss who would want to second guess what I was upto, I didn't think I was going to get a promotion, I didn't really want to continue doing the grunt work while someone else got to attend the important meetings etc., so I convinced myself that Singapore was a good thing. Then I got the promotion and wavered a bit, now it sounds like they may not being someone in, so again, I'm wavering.

Why is Singapore still good? It's a different profile of job. It will have increased visibility and should be fun in itself. It's Singapore! The job will involve business travel, which I enjoy greatly. And, the SO will benefit from this. It allows him to leave a job that he is not happy in, to study further or get another job with another organization, to move to a less crowded country etc.

This is what I realised over the weekend and it has made me angry. Part of the anger is that I cannot leave this marriage, because (as always) he promises that it will get better, and because it'll really upset my parents (father in particular). So I guess at some level I feel doubly trapped. I cannot leave a marriage that this weekend, has been really unhappy, and I cannot leave a job, that will have a lot of stress (shifting countries), all because of the SO.

This is not specifically his fault, but it doesn't help when he behaves stupidly, and/or is grumpy because I snap at him. Potentially the snapping is because I was hormonal, but the thought running through my head since Saturday is that I want out because this is frustrating as hell. The thing is, he's right. I was not being 'nice' to him, but I feel entitled to be a bitch.

Specifically because for the past few weeks (and I hope to God it's because I'm hormonal), I'm seeing the possibility of children as becoming increasingly remote and it depresses me greatly. To the extent where I am not sure why I should continue doing anything. It's not fair to consider having a child to give me 'purpose', I know this, and maybe that's all it is. A working through of the age-old decision, that my purpose would be to raise good children. I can accept this is no longer valid, I can accept that I don't actually need a purpose. Maybe that's the point, I can accept all this, but I haven't actually accepted it. And I am funnelling the rage at having to accept this into the SO.

I don't know. That may be part of it. The specific rage began when we went out for dinner on Friday. And SO could not get us a table/chairs. So either I deal with him standing behind me, hanging on to all his luggage, or leave. I chose to leave but clearly felt shortchanged. Yes, I was late, but surely he could have made more of an effort? This, along with a few other things, struck me today. That there are things he doesn't do for me, which make me feel that I am not worth the effort to him. Which is a shitty way to feel. He may not mean to make me feel this way, but I believe I've told him enough times.

All this is tied up in my mind with him not being able to take care of me, which makes me feel that I don't trust him, so don't want to have children with him. It's a hopeless tangle, because I really want children, but I don't want them with him, and I can't leave him. So you see... the future includes him, and no children. And on days when I'm angry with him, I'm furious. Because I don't want him, and I want children, and I'm stuck in this situation which I cannot change.

And there we have it. This is why I'm so furious. To the extent where I really wish he would leave me, or let me leave him, so I can be without him, and potentially meet someone who wants children. Thereby, having hope of the ++ instead of the -- that days like this feel like.

The thing is, I'm also tired. Tired beyond belief because work has been stressful. SO has been... not helpful, to the extent where dinner and groceries are still very much my problem to plan and acquire. He says otherwise, but his attitude when things are not available suggests otherwise. Anyway, let's say his work has been stressful too. And then there's all this angst in my life, which means there's angst in his life. Unlike me though, he doesn't think through stuff. He just puts it aside and gets on with life. Not like the issue is gone, or that he's fine, he's just ignoring it and being cold to me, or not understanding what I need. The most progress is made when I am able to think through his situation, understand it, explain it to him, and explain what he can do to make things better. Which has been too much effort for a while, so I've not done it. Do I want to now? Should it matter whether I want to, shouldn't I do it anyway?