I've said repeatedly that I'm a die-hard romantic. I like happy endings, I like love stories, etc., but does that mean I like chivalry? I found this blog post today https://mashedmusings.wordpress.com/2012/07/17/role-reversal/ and got to think about it a little more. The blogger is an intelligent and kind man. He has a daughter, but this particular post was written before his daughter was born. He wrote another one as well, about what it feels like to be molested. Basically, having your privacy violated, which is something which unfortunately happened to him on a bus.
When I was young, I was being brought up by the standard 'beware of all men' rules that all girls are fed. Maybe 'brought up' is too broad-brush. I was exposed to these rules, but my mother did not tell me that all men are evil. Nor (naturally) did my father. I suppose now I understand how it works. Girls are not told to be wary of men, just of 'provoking men' or of attracting 'unwanted attention'. There was never ever a discussion about person space and privacy, about how your body, mind and life, belong to you, and you can control who you allow into any of these. In other words, I was being taught to be afraid.
I do not recall which newspaper it was in, and I think I was about 14 years old at the time, but I read an opinion piece (in an Open Page type section) written by a lady who had to travel by train in a coupe in which she was the only woman. She said, and rightly so, that you are trained to expect that men will try to take advantage of you, when most men are regular human beings who would like you to be comfortable, and are more likely to keep firmly out of your way rather than make you uncomfortable. I was old enough to think about this and realise the truth in it.
This made me look for more nuanced behaviours, look for and identify threats, rather than generally avoid all men. It helped me identify who was being helpful and who was being creepy. It allowed me to be friendly, while learning to walk through crowds with my elbows out.
But coming to chivalry, part of growing up for me (and this is still ongoing) is learning that I can take care of all my needs. I appreciate a man opening a door for me, or offering to carry stuff, but in the spirit that he wants to make life a little easier for me, not because I'm a frail thing who cannot do this for herself. I especially appreciate it when men kill cockroaches for me. For though I can accomplish this myself, I have to steel myself to fight and not fly.
When I was young, I was being brought up by the standard 'beware of all men' rules that all girls are fed. Maybe 'brought up' is too broad-brush. I was exposed to these rules, but my mother did not tell me that all men are evil. Nor (naturally) did my father. I suppose now I understand how it works. Girls are not told to be wary of men, just of 'provoking men' or of attracting 'unwanted attention'. There was never ever a discussion about person space and privacy, about how your body, mind and life, belong to you, and you can control who you allow into any of these. In other words, I was being taught to be afraid.
I do not recall which newspaper it was in, and I think I was about 14 years old at the time, but I read an opinion piece (in an Open Page type section) written by a lady who had to travel by train in a coupe in which she was the only woman. She said, and rightly so, that you are trained to expect that men will try to take advantage of you, when most men are regular human beings who would like you to be comfortable, and are more likely to keep firmly out of your way rather than make you uncomfortable. I was old enough to think about this and realise the truth in it.
This made me look for more nuanced behaviours, look for and identify threats, rather than generally avoid all men. It helped me identify who was being helpful and who was being creepy. It allowed me to be friendly, while learning to walk through crowds with my elbows out.
But coming to chivalry, part of growing up for me (and this is still ongoing) is learning that I can take care of all my needs. I appreciate a man opening a door for me, or offering to carry stuff, but in the spirit that he wants to make life a little easier for me, not because I'm a frail thing who cannot do this for herself. I especially appreciate it when men kill cockroaches for me. For though I can accomplish this myself, I have to steel myself to fight and not fly.
