Motherhood

I make no secrets about wanting to be a parent. I often wonder about what kind of parent I'd be and now that I have the opportunity of being around children, I think I'd be decent. But then, I get to leave them at some point. Maybe I'll be different if I've to be around them 24x7. Today I was reading a blog written by a lady who's 51 and has a 27 year old son. She put up a post when he got married, about how her role as a 'mother' is now done and she's retired. While I totally appreciate the sentiment, that she's ready to let him move forward with his own life, I'm not sure if I believe it.

I guess part of the not believing it is because my parents are still very firmly, my parents. Just as my grandmom still believes she knows better than her children, though she doesn't say anything. I'm sure I'll be the same, will always believe I know better, but hopefully will be able to keep my counsel. I've told my parents repeatedly that at some point, they've to trust they've done a good job, and let go. I think the parents that can do that have great relationships with their children. It's a relationship of mutual trust and respect. Where everybody knows that they're only opinions, everybody has them, and each person is as right or wrong as the other. The future may prove that one opinion had some advantages, but that's pretty much it.

I'm guilty of this myself. Believing I know better than others. Sometimes I do :) But most of the time it's just my opinion, and right now, I can see that.

Hopefully, if I ever become a parent, I'll continue to remember that. Everybody will have opinions, ways they've done something, ways their family did stuff for generations, and I'll have opinions. And one day, my child will grow up and form his/her own opinions. And I want to remember to let that happen, even when I hate those opinions.

Baby

When I was in my mid or late teens, I figured I wanted to have children. I think I've always known that I've enough common sense to be a normal parent. Added to that I had a dog around the same time, which is very much like having a very young child. A child that you can scare and scold but not one you can reason with. I still miss my dog greatly. But in addition, I'm now feeling these very strong maternal pangs. Biological clock, or whatever it is... it's causing me some grief.

So, in addition to feeling these pangs, SO and I are trying. I think we're both at the stage as well where we'd be able to handle parenthood and keep it together as people and a couple. But life/fate/God has other plans. I know a few folks who got pregnant at first try. I know others who didn't for a year, adopted a child, and now (2 years later) are pregnant. I also know that I have PCOS. I try to keep the weight under control but I'm a good amount overweight. I know that I should reduce weight, but I'm lazy and am averse to Gyms.

With all this, the trauma I'm facing is that I feel like a failure. Just, an outright failure for my body not doing what it is designed to do. I have my periods and stuff, but no pregnancy! Unfair I say, how can I have the downside without the upside? With modern technology and medicine, it's now possible to buy ovulation predictor kits so you can tell at home (without medical intervention) whether everything's working as it ought to. The answer to that question is remarkably painful for me. At a purely logical level, I know it's not the end of the world. If things aren't working as they ought to, I go to a doctor and ask if anything can be done without surgery or other medical intervention (and when they say 'lose weight' I'll turn a deaf ear). If the answer is probably not, then so be it.

I'd love to believe that I can live with 'so be it' but I know that I cannot. I know that 'so be it' will turn into adoption or having dogs or something... maybe plants?

Music and Lyrics

SO's travelling and over the weekend, I did stuff that he does when I'm away. I bought a ton of music and put it into iTunes and the iPod. As much as I love music, I don't listen to it constantly. I usually have a song running in my head and I love listening to the radio, because I like hearing songs unexpectedly. However, with new music, I'm more than happy to listen to it in order.

Oddly, I rarely buy music without having heard it first. I buy stuff that I like, as opposed to the SO and several other people who buy stuff to figure out whether they like it or not. This time, I bought a Kailash Kher CD with songs that I've not heard before. I love Kailash Kher's voice and though I hadn't heard these songs specifically, I figured it would be ok. After I put it on iTunes, I listened to it and wasn't very blown away. Then I listened to it on the iPod. I think there's something about this kind of music that absolutely requires close hearing. Kailesh Kher's voice in my head is a very different experience. And his team is also quite brilliant - Paresh and Naresh Kamath. The music is great, the singing is great, what more can one ask for? Lyrics you say? Also good!

Editted to Add: And after listening to music through the day (and being more productive as I don't surf mindlessly instead) I realised why I don't listen to music while I work. I usually feel like singing along. I can carry a tune, but I'm sure my office doesn't want to hear 'em!