Today is our second anniversary! Last week we were on vacation with SO's parents and as SO's cousin was getting engaged in our city, they came here and stayed with us a couple of days. I learnt a lot of things about myself over the past week. That could be what this post is about, but only after I do some wishing.
The last post rambles a bit about the wedding, but not about the marriage. I want to say this about the marriage. I'm very happy in it. I'm now at a point where I love my husband very much, am very secure in his love and caring for/of me and enjoy our time and space together. I'm not sure what it is, but in the past year or so we've grown very close. Not necessarily in a mush way, but in the way that we want to share some stuff only with each other. That we are a little more sure of who the other person is and more secure in our comfort with each other. We've fought a lot less, undoubtedly because we're learning what the small stuff is that's not worth hurting each other over. And while I say we, I may just mean me :) Even if this is all just me, I'm really glad I'm at this place, and I'm going to try and remain here for a good amount of time.
I also realised that I'm an utter bitch! We live in the same city as my parents so SO's interactions with my folks are much more frequent than my interactions with his folks (though we speak on the phone weekly). Spending even 2-3 hours a months with someone is way different! I found a lot to make fun of, and when I was with SO, I didn't restrain myself! I think it irked him, if not outrightly upset him. I did apologise, but I know I've to watch myself.
This vacation wasn't the best. For one, I wasn't very keen on going as I'd just been on vacation in June (which was brilliant) and knew when I come back there will be a lot of stuff to take back. For another, SO's not the chatty sort, where his brother is. The last time we did a family vacation, SO's brother was there so I could relax a bit. For a third, the last family vacation did not include many temples (I'm not into organized religion).
Having said that, the engagement was brilliant. I find that I'm actually quite a part of this family. I know the people, I'm able to talk to them about stuff. I know the cousin will enough to give her moral support a bit. I was able to keep a couple of grandmothers entertained. It was work, but about as much as I do for the family I was born into. There are 2 weddings in SO's family and I realise that I'll be able to participate in those, the same way that I participate in weddings in my birth family. It's quite relieving.
Interestingly, SO's family and I don't speak the same language, but over the past 2 years, my comprehension skills have improved greatly. I'm still learning new words, but for the most part I follow conversations fluently.
We had an entertaining conversation on what parents look for in a prospective husband for their girl. SO's mom's view is that the guy must be of 'clean habits' and good character, as such a man will take good care of his wife. SO declared that he could be of both of these and still not take care of me, to which is parents replied that I don't need him to take care of me! :) I was rather entertained. I guess they also can see that I know my own mind and am well able to protect my interests.
What I didn't articulate is that for a spouse, that's not really enough. You need the sensitivity to know when your spouse is not comfortable with something your family is asking them to do, and the ability to head your family off. Alternately, you need to level with your spouse that you won't head them off, but you will sympathise and make it up in some other way. I think we're here. Both of us have this level of sensitivity and try to ensure the other person is as comfortable as possible in the circumstances.
Happy Anniversary dearest, and thank you.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Love and Marriage
They're linked they say. In some parts of the world, love comes before a marriage, in others it comes afterwards. But they're supposed to be linked.
I just read a post on not being accepted by your significant other's family and the author's view is that if that's the case, you should just move on. An interesting view. The author has actually married a man whose family did not accept her outright. 6 years later, there's still some tension there and it seems like she's saying that if she was smarter, she would have moved on.
I'm strangely conflicted by this. Possibly because I'm a romantic at heart and believe that love conquers all. If it doesn't, then picking one particular person over another means absolutely nothing. Or there's no reason why one person can lift your spirits by smiling.
Maybe this is where the rubber of romance meets the road of reality. The man I love put me through many a hoop to get married. I'm fairly certain that if asked, he'll swear he went through his own hoops as well. His family... has their views about me I'm sure, and I'm sure they had their apprehensions about me as well. I'd like to believe that their chief apprehension only was whether I'd make him happy. I'd also like to believe that I have that well in hand.
I'd like to say that that's all my folks cared about, but that's probably not true. It's one of the things they look for, but then how on earth would they know what makes me happy?
I'm a little communicative on this subject because SO's cousin is getting engaged in a week or so. She's found a guy on Shaadi.com, she knew him 2 weeks before the families met and now they're getting engaged, to be wed in December. The guy doesn't seem very EQ aware. She's very excited about the process of getting engaged and married. My M-i-L is also very excited. SO and I are a bit apprehensive.
I realised in conversations with the cousin, exactly what SO and his family have done for me. Maybe not 'done' in so much as not prevented. I've never had to worry about working after marriage, or what clothes I'll wear or whom I'll meet, how late I'll work, whether I'll travel etc. A lot of this could be because we're in a different city from the in-laws, but I believe a lot of this is because SO doesn't invite any comments on these issues. As a result, even if someone wants to say something, they know they won't find a receptive ear.
When we were dating, my parents knew and met SO. They wanted me to get married earlier, but they knew that was in the scheme of things. SO's folks knew about me and eventually met me. His father declared even before meeting me, that they would not have any objection to anyone he picked. I think that's the key difference. If his family was not that way, he would be a different person. I jumped a track there, because when I started this paragraph, it was to be about conversations SO and I had about whether I'd be accepted. He had no doubts that I would be. Whether I would be liked... well what's not to like ;)
I guess the point that author was trying to make is that prejudice like that (rejecting your child's significant other) is usually only prejudice. Nothing to do with the person himself or herself, more based on some random principle that suddenly becomes more important than the happiness of the child you loved and raised. Fascinating right? This one cuts both ways. If my principle is that my child should not date/marry a drug-addict because it's not safe? Sounds somewhat reasonable? If my principle is that my child should not marry someone from a different religion because the conflict will be too much?
I guess at some point, the real 'parent' sees that their job is done and lets the child make their own decisions. They realise that their influence has ended and let go, permitting the child to make their own mistakes and live their own lives. I'm very like both my parents in pre-disposition, but the person I am is different from them. My beliefs, my ideologies, all different. Influenced, but formed separately. The SO is also very much like this. Probably why we know that we'll be ok.
I guess this one has rambled on a bit. I'm not a parent, I don't know what it would be like for someone to refuse to give my child a chance, simply because s/he is from a different community. I assume I wouldn't like it. Would I insist that the relevant significant other lets go of their family? I'd like to think not. I'd like to think that I'd want some perspective on all sides, and some maturity.
If my child has that maturity, and their significant other has demonstrated this, I'd like to think I'd be comfortable with whatever decision they make. But what if they don't? Not like I'm trying to find an absolute answer here, just that I guess I've seen a lot of this.
My cousin married a man and divorced him because they were not suited. She's now remarried with 2 children and very happy I believe. The first marriage was not any longer in the making than the second. The first man was less cosmopolitan, I'll say that. Also, she had realised that she didn't love him before the marriage, but went ahead with it anyway. If I was asked honestly what I felt before the marriage, it was resentment, anger and angst.
2 years later, I still feel depressed when I think of my wedding day and the week thereafter. What SO and I have now is different. What we didn't have then is my trusting him and a truckload of brownie points that he's now earned. Am I less happy now? No, but could I have been happier then? For sure! Is that SO's fault or his family's fault? No. Could they have done something about it? I believe they could have. Weddings are stressful times without the bride being unsure of whether her husband will take care of her or not. I'm past that now and in retrospect, I can see stuff rather clearly.
I can see that my anger was mainly at SO not understanding what upset me. He will never understand, he may not be able to 'take care' of me in some ways, but he's more than taken care of me in others. And I'm strong/mature enough to take care of myself in the ways that he cannot. I guess it's the same for him with my folks.
Our current relationships with our respective in-laws, are built by us. His folks may not love me, or even like me sometimes, but that's because of who I am, not because I'm of a certain community/caste/region etc. And if someone is not willing to give me or my children that chance, would I give up on love? I'd like to say no. And if someone asks me what to do? I guess I'll say that love matters but love is not stupid or self-destructive. Which I now realise is exactly what that author was saying - just that in her non-selfdestructive state, she'd have let him go.
I just read a post on not being accepted by your significant other's family and the author's view is that if that's the case, you should just move on. An interesting view. The author has actually married a man whose family did not accept her outright. 6 years later, there's still some tension there and it seems like she's saying that if she was smarter, she would have moved on.
I'm strangely conflicted by this. Possibly because I'm a romantic at heart and believe that love conquers all. If it doesn't, then picking one particular person over another means absolutely nothing. Or there's no reason why one person can lift your spirits by smiling.
Maybe this is where the rubber of romance meets the road of reality. The man I love put me through many a hoop to get married. I'm fairly certain that if asked, he'll swear he went through his own hoops as well. His family... has their views about me I'm sure, and I'm sure they had their apprehensions about me as well. I'd like to believe that their chief apprehension only was whether I'd make him happy. I'd also like to believe that I have that well in hand.
I'd like to say that that's all my folks cared about, but that's probably not true. It's one of the things they look for, but then how on earth would they know what makes me happy?
I'm a little communicative on this subject because SO's cousin is getting engaged in a week or so. She's found a guy on Shaadi.com, she knew him 2 weeks before the families met and now they're getting engaged, to be wed in December. The guy doesn't seem very EQ aware. She's very excited about the process of getting engaged and married. My M-i-L is also very excited. SO and I are a bit apprehensive.
I realised in conversations with the cousin, exactly what SO and his family have done for me. Maybe not 'done' in so much as not prevented. I've never had to worry about working after marriage, or what clothes I'll wear or whom I'll meet, how late I'll work, whether I'll travel etc. A lot of this could be because we're in a different city from the in-laws, but I believe a lot of this is because SO doesn't invite any comments on these issues. As a result, even if someone wants to say something, they know they won't find a receptive ear.
When we were dating, my parents knew and met SO. They wanted me to get married earlier, but they knew that was in the scheme of things. SO's folks knew about me and eventually met me. His father declared even before meeting me, that they would not have any objection to anyone he picked. I think that's the key difference. If his family was not that way, he would be a different person. I jumped a track there, because when I started this paragraph, it was to be about conversations SO and I had about whether I'd be accepted. He had no doubts that I would be. Whether I would be liked... well what's not to like ;)
I guess the point that author was trying to make is that prejudice like that (rejecting your child's significant other) is usually only prejudice. Nothing to do with the person himself or herself, more based on some random principle that suddenly becomes more important than the happiness of the child you loved and raised. Fascinating right? This one cuts both ways. If my principle is that my child should not date/marry a drug-addict because it's not safe? Sounds somewhat reasonable? If my principle is that my child should not marry someone from a different religion because the conflict will be too much?
I guess at some point, the real 'parent' sees that their job is done and lets the child make their own decisions. They realise that their influence has ended and let go, permitting the child to make their own mistakes and live their own lives. I'm very like both my parents in pre-disposition, but the person I am is different from them. My beliefs, my ideologies, all different. Influenced, but formed separately. The SO is also very much like this. Probably why we know that we'll be ok.
I guess this one has rambled on a bit. I'm not a parent, I don't know what it would be like for someone to refuse to give my child a chance, simply because s/he is from a different community. I assume I wouldn't like it. Would I insist that the relevant significant other lets go of their family? I'd like to think not. I'd like to think that I'd want some perspective on all sides, and some maturity.
If my child has that maturity, and their significant other has demonstrated this, I'd like to think I'd be comfortable with whatever decision they make. But what if they don't? Not like I'm trying to find an absolute answer here, just that I guess I've seen a lot of this.
My cousin married a man and divorced him because they were not suited. She's now remarried with 2 children and very happy I believe. The first marriage was not any longer in the making than the second. The first man was less cosmopolitan, I'll say that. Also, she had realised that she didn't love him before the marriage, but went ahead with it anyway. If I was asked honestly what I felt before the marriage, it was resentment, anger and angst.
2 years later, I still feel depressed when I think of my wedding day and the week thereafter. What SO and I have now is different. What we didn't have then is my trusting him and a truckload of brownie points that he's now earned. Am I less happy now? No, but could I have been happier then? For sure! Is that SO's fault or his family's fault? No. Could they have done something about it? I believe they could have. Weddings are stressful times without the bride being unsure of whether her husband will take care of her or not. I'm past that now and in retrospect, I can see stuff rather clearly.
I can see that my anger was mainly at SO not understanding what upset me. He will never understand, he may not be able to 'take care' of me in some ways, but he's more than taken care of me in others. And I'm strong/mature enough to take care of myself in the ways that he cannot. I guess it's the same for him with my folks.
Our current relationships with our respective in-laws, are built by us. His folks may not love me, or even like me sometimes, but that's because of who I am, not because I'm of a certain community/caste/region etc. And if someone is not willing to give me or my children that chance, would I give up on love? I'd like to say no. And if someone asks me what to do? I guess I'll say that love matters but love is not stupid or self-destructive. Which I now realise is exactly what that author was saying - just that in her non-selfdestructive state, she'd have let him go.
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