I'm learning more about myself every day or every so often, and some of these things I learn are... well, not pretty I guess?
For a variety of reasons, I had to bring myself up, and through my adolescence, I dealt with the tough times by thinking of this perfect man who I would find, who would take care of me. He'd think I was beautiful and amazing, and would constantly tell me this. He'd hold me when I was upset (which was constantly) and stroke my hair when I cried. It was very important for me at that time, to be thought beautiful.
I grew older and this need stayed. I got to know guys, and somehow, never got the sense that they thought I was 'beautiful'. They may have, poor guys, but none of them really said so. They may have also thought I was amazing, but who knows. And then there was SO. He never ever said anything about my looks... or when he did, it was more about what I was not. I learned those lessons very well. I listened for every reference he made to my appearance, and others, and learnt that he didn't think I'm particularly attractive. Whether this is true or not. I say this, because one occasion, he has called me beautiful.
But that's not the point at all, the point is what this means to me. It's that as I've grown more confident in my work and in my personality, I've also wanted to grow more confident in my attractiveness. It's purely for ego, it's for the way I want to see myself. Apparently it's not good enough to have clear good skin, and nice features (though my nose is a little big). What I want is to have someone enamoured of my looks. And I'm on the cusp now. The cusp of young and not-so-young. I'm 35, too old for young guys to be interested in. Maybe even too old for 30 year old men, or 40 year old men, depending on what is available to them.
And it's irritatingly, one of the things that I keep coming back to with SO. I hold it against him that he doesn't think I'm attractive, mainly because i think he's gorgeous. Like a quid-pro-quo.
What I understand about myself now, is that it's a stupid thing that I've clung to for years. It doesn't matter whether others find me attractive (they'll tell me what they think I want to hear, till they get what they want). What matters is who I am, and how I see myself. And I'm a good person. I'm nice and kind and sensible and sensitive. And I'm going to continue to age with these characteristics, and one day, my face will show it, but people won't care about my face by then.
I'm going to have to keep reminding myself of this, but I'm happy I've found this out. Now, just to make sure I've actually understand it fully, I'm going to repeat it. My face only shows the world who I am. The arrangement of my features does not reflect my personality, my expressions do. I'd much rather the world sees me, than sees a pleasing arrangement of features. And the 'me' that I want them to see, is a kind, sensitive, sensible and fun person. A person who prefers to see the bright side of life and the beauty in the world.
Welcome to the world!
For a variety of reasons, I had to bring myself up, and through my adolescence, I dealt with the tough times by thinking of this perfect man who I would find, who would take care of me. He'd think I was beautiful and amazing, and would constantly tell me this. He'd hold me when I was upset (which was constantly) and stroke my hair when I cried. It was very important for me at that time, to be thought beautiful.
I grew older and this need stayed. I got to know guys, and somehow, never got the sense that they thought I was 'beautiful'. They may have, poor guys, but none of them really said so. They may have also thought I was amazing, but who knows. And then there was SO. He never ever said anything about my looks... or when he did, it was more about what I was not. I learned those lessons very well. I listened for every reference he made to my appearance, and others, and learnt that he didn't think I'm particularly attractive. Whether this is true or not. I say this, because one occasion, he has called me beautiful.
But that's not the point at all, the point is what this means to me. It's that as I've grown more confident in my work and in my personality, I've also wanted to grow more confident in my attractiveness. It's purely for ego, it's for the way I want to see myself. Apparently it's not good enough to have clear good skin, and nice features (though my nose is a little big). What I want is to have someone enamoured of my looks. And I'm on the cusp now. The cusp of young and not-so-young. I'm 35, too old for young guys to be interested in. Maybe even too old for 30 year old men, or 40 year old men, depending on what is available to them.
And it's irritatingly, one of the things that I keep coming back to with SO. I hold it against him that he doesn't think I'm attractive, mainly because i think he's gorgeous. Like a quid-pro-quo.
What I understand about myself now, is that it's a stupid thing that I've clung to for years. It doesn't matter whether others find me attractive (they'll tell me what they think I want to hear, till they get what they want). What matters is who I am, and how I see myself. And I'm a good person. I'm nice and kind and sensible and sensitive. And I'm going to continue to age with these characteristics, and one day, my face will show it, but people won't care about my face by then.
I'm going to have to keep reminding myself of this, but I'm happy I've found this out. Now, just to make sure I've actually understand it fully, I'm going to repeat it. My face only shows the world who I am. The arrangement of my features does not reflect my personality, my expressions do. I'd much rather the world sees me, than sees a pleasing arrangement of features. And the 'me' that I want them to see, is a kind, sensitive, sensible and fun person. A person who prefers to see the bright side of life and the beauty in the world.
Welcome to the world!
