Updates in General

As anticipated, my friend and her husband have decided to keep the baby. So, as of 23rd March 2012, I'm childless again. It is not really a big deal, except that I am still convinced that I want to be a parent. SO... seems convinced or at any rate, interested, but whether that will translate into any action remains to be seen.

This 'baby' thing has caused SO and me immense stress. To the extent that it still has the ability to break us up. Maybe it's purely stereotypical but I have always thought that I want to be a parent. Discussions with SO have also typically included children in the future. And yet here we are, I'm going to be 35 in 2 months and not pregnant. He... doesn't seem to care. I don't need to be pregnant, but I want a child/children. And his doing nothing about it hurts me. It also reminds me about the time he took to marry me and the drama we went through then.

At present, I am very angry with SO and every day is a test for him, most days he passes, but on the days he fails, I feel miserable and consider separating. I'm trying to contact a therapist so I can go talk about this. Why am I angry?

1. Because I try hard to do all the things that I think he appreciates (cooking/cleaning, giving him space, letting him play, not bugging him etc.) and he snaps at me on a whim;
2. He won't commit to either having children or not having them;
3. He won't commit to improving himself or his life;
4. He doesn't seem to care about a 'future'.

I need to work out some of this stuff for myself, i.e. if he doesn't do any of 2, 3, or 4, would I still want to be with him? How long do I continue trying to be the 'good wife'? Am I being unreasonable in my expectations?

Also, I think I need to work out some anger in the baby process. I feel hurt and well... not cheated, but not treated very fairly. I know my friend feels bad, but I'm also angry with her and SO for putting me in this position.

I think I need a proper vacation, where unfortunately the only one I can see coming up is with SO's family, where I will actually have to maintain a check on my temper and be as patient as possible with all of them, including SO.

Clearly I'm currently feeling very sorry for myself. Time to remember faya kun.

Fayakun

I watched Rockstar a while ago and was hopelessly confused. I didn't understand the purpose, I didn't understand what the characters were doing, didn't understand why a music company was sending artists to the Czech Republic... but I liked some of the songs very much.

I thought that I like Sufi music a lot, and in my stupidity, assumed that Kun Fayakun was a Sufi song. Finally today I decided to look it up. It may be, but the words are from the Quran and reflect that God is supreme, when God says 'be', it is.

I am trying to accept a few things these days, as God's will. I wish I could be as a thing, be because God decrees it, and not have to think about why/how/why me etc.

I have to remember that I can get there. When it is decreed to be, it is. As am I.