Not so Afeared

My body cooperates at its own pace. Clearly I was not pregnant and after holding out for many weeks, it confessed that it wasn't either. Now to see if I can school it into submission to my will, or will be forced to acknowledge the Horrorscope.

Rene's the Man

It runs away with me,
My errant brain.
Leaping from thought to mood
From word to phrase.
Caffeine induced or crazed,
With the need to speak my mind.


It's agitated, I am agitated.
But not in a bad way,
Not troubled or sad.
I've been here before,
Words and thoughts tumbling out,
No coherence, just a cascade.
I miss it when it's absent,
This churning of thoughts within,
My creation of something...
Worthwhile or otherwise,
Completely mine.

He was right you know,
Right about me at any rate.
I think, therefore I am.

Afeared

I was good about exercise through April, 3 days a week through the month. I was feeling better, body was getting a little better. May has been bad, maybe 2 days of exercise in the whole month - though I'm re-motivated now. Why? Because Aunty Flo has been missing!! 45 days and no sign of the woman! I was eating better and exercising, I expected my standard cycle, which was about 35 days but no sign. The depressing side is that I cannot even remotely be pregnant, so it's just that my insides are not working. Which is making me mighty afeared!

Something I want to Remember

The Invitation
Oriah Mountain Dreamer
Canadian Teacher and Author


It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dreams
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.

If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."

It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after a night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.


© 1995 by Oriah House, From "Dreams Of Desire"
Published by Mountain Dreaming, 300 Coxwell Avenue, Box 22546, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4L 2A0

Baby and Horrorscope

No, it's not a spelling mistake. SO's just quit his job (one that he's not happy at) but he doesn't have anything in hand, so naturally his family is upset/worried. Some people are able to understand that if there are two earning members in a household, one can quit without plan, and the world doesn't end. Those that aren't able to understand panic a bit. My mother-in-law chose to panic a bit, the panic taking the form of contacting an astrologer. Again, I have nothing against astrologers, except that they trade in fear. The MIL is convinced that she has to have some pujas done to spare SO from the painful effects of his own short-temper. An aside that the astrologer lady told her, is that we (SO and I) are not having children because we are not interested. The SO heard this from his mother, and didn't tell me till it came out in some random conversation.

To say I was upset would be a tad understating it. I bawled a few buckets and got slightly more upset when SO said that my date and time of birth are required to ascertain how bad his situation is. While the information is collected for purposes of job assurance, what if it is used for fertility analysis? And what if random astrologer person swears that the 'khot' is in my horrorscope and not SO's? This is more distressing because I want a child much more than SO does, and I suspect SO has a more serious medical condition than my self-diagnosed PCOS. What if my horrorscope shows none of this but declares that I will not have children? He's already presumed able, and I'm declared feeble!

On the up-side, I spoke to my MIL recently and she didn't ask me for any time of birth, so I'm hoping that she's either given up or forgotten, so this question is either dead or postponed. The angst it caused me though, is quite significant. I'm not sure it's done with (considering SO and I have been wed for 2.5 years), but hopefully I will not hear of it again.