For anybody that cares to notice, I started another blog regarding my aim of losing weight. Well, more about getting healthy really. Now I know why I needed to. I'm middle class Indian and am eating too much, see? For those who have no idea what I'm talking about, over the past few days, Condoleeza Rice and President Bush have suggested that improving nutrition in India is responsbible in some part for price rise in the world.
:) So now I'm watching what I eat so the starving masses in America don't feel so bad. Maybe for my children, it won't be that there are starving children in Africa, but that there are starving children in the US?
Monday, April 28, 2008
Friday, April 18, 2008
Today...
I am not a happy person. I'm functioning normally. Nobody around me knows, but I don't want to go home. I'm depressed and really don't want to meet SO. I mean, I want to meet him, but I'm angry with him. And he doesn't seem to care.
Why am I angry with him? Because he doesn't understand me, but won't take the trouble to do things that I request. I know that sounds weird. I mean, he doesn't understand why I like things a certain way. Fine, I get that. But it's important to me that they be done that way, so if it doesn't hurt him, couldn't he just do them that way? Do we have to go into 'why' every single time? Can he genuinely not see the why? To me the why is logical. The most fights we have is because I don't like waste, and it doesn't affect him much.
I guess what depresses me is that I feel very strongly about it. I just read that poor in India are getting less and less food. In my own country. So how can I order more than I need? In cities itself, there are issues with water, so how can I use more than I need? To me, these are matter of fact. They are not debatable - waste is wrong. Is this a bad principle? Am I asking for too much?
So the things that upset me are, opening taps too wide when washing hands, washing vessels etc. Letting water run when not necessary, using more gas than necessary, ordering more food than you can eat. I guess the 'necessary' part is where the main difference is. What he thinks is necessary, I think is too much. I try not to crib, but it genuinely hurts me. What's worse is, sometimes I get depressed that it doesn't even matter to him. Not the hurting me part, but the waste part. We live in the same world. We are exposed to the same poverty around us, and it doesn't matter to him.
What set it off was that yesterday, he'd made rice in the pressure cooker. Not bad in itself. But he used the biggest available vessel for that. We have normal sized vessels, that would have comfortably held the amount of rice he wanted to make. So I asked him to use smaller vessels. I was tired and hungry and really didn't want to eat rice (cause I prefer not to eat rice at night). So I was making my own meal. He asked 'why'. I snapped.
I understand that the situation arose more out of tiredness and hunger, but I'm still angry. I couldn't apologize last night and I didn't even want to share a bed with him. I'm still angry and don't want to talk to him. I mean, I want to talk to him, but I want him to understand.
And it hurts that he's never going to.
The worst is, I don't know what to do about this. I can get beyond yesterday, beyond his not wanting to make amends in any manner. But I can't get beyond the fact that this is important to me. Trying to make the world a better place in small ways is important to me. He doesn't get this, but he does manage to mock me and pick holes in my attempts. I know I'm being petty, but so is he at times.
I've prayed for strength on this many times, and I'm going to continue to pray. I love him, very much. When we're making sense to each other, we have a great time. But when this happens.... throws me off.
Why am I angry with him? Because he doesn't understand me, but won't take the trouble to do things that I request. I know that sounds weird. I mean, he doesn't understand why I like things a certain way. Fine, I get that. But it's important to me that they be done that way, so if it doesn't hurt him, couldn't he just do them that way? Do we have to go into 'why' every single time? Can he genuinely not see the why? To me the why is logical. The most fights we have is because I don't like waste, and it doesn't affect him much.
I guess what depresses me is that I feel very strongly about it. I just read that poor in India are getting less and less food. In my own country. So how can I order more than I need? In cities itself, there are issues with water, so how can I use more than I need? To me, these are matter of fact. They are not debatable - waste is wrong. Is this a bad principle? Am I asking for too much?
So the things that upset me are, opening taps too wide when washing hands, washing vessels etc. Letting water run when not necessary, using more gas than necessary, ordering more food than you can eat. I guess the 'necessary' part is where the main difference is. What he thinks is necessary, I think is too much. I try not to crib, but it genuinely hurts me. What's worse is, sometimes I get depressed that it doesn't even matter to him. Not the hurting me part, but the waste part. We live in the same world. We are exposed to the same poverty around us, and it doesn't matter to him.
What set it off was that yesterday, he'd made rice in the pressure cooker. Not bad in itself. But he used the biggest available vessel for that. We have normal sized vessels, that would have comfortably held the amount of rice he wanted to make. So I asked him to use smaller vessels. I was tired and hungry and really didn't want to eat rice (cause I prefer not to eat rice at night). So I was making my own meal. He asked 'why'. I snapped.
I understand that the situation arose more out of tiredness and hunger, but I'm still angry. I couldn't apologize last night and I didn't even want to share a bed with him. I'm still angry and don't want to talk to him. I mean, I want to talk to him, but I want him to understand.
And it hurts that he's never going to.
The worst is, I don't know what to do about this. I can get beyond yesterday, beyond his not wanting to make amends in any manner. But I can't get beyond the fact that this is important to me. Trying to make the world a better place in small ways is important to me. He doesn't get this, but he does manage to mock me and pick holes in my attempts. I know I'm being petty, but so is he at times.
I've prayed for strength on this many times, and I'm going to continue to pray. I love him, very much. When we're making sense to each other, we have a great time. But when this happens.... throws me off.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)