Is it Age?

I'm now officially 36, not a big deal in itself, I'll confess. Sometimes I think about what I thought I would have 'achieved' by this age and 36 never actually featured as an age by which I would have achieved something. When I was in my teens, I think 30 was the number. As I grew older, while I had things I wanted to do, I never had a specific timeline.

What I'm intrigued by now, is how comfortable I am with myself. I like the person I am now, I like that I'm able to separate feeling from action and that I try to react appropriately, adult-ly even, whenever possible. I like that I'm beginning to approach the tipping point where I will soon know 'enough'. In other words, where people will actually look to me for guidance and opinions, not because I'm right, but because they value my opinion and potentially insight. I like that I have insight :)

When I was younger, I discovered points of view and perspective, or rather, how perspective works. There is a Calvin and Hobbes strip that resonates very strongly, about how your world view can collapse if you can actually see all points of view, and personally, I think that is a wonderful thing. There's a family situation brewing, and in discussing it with the SO, I described what I see as true empathy, which is being able to see a person for who they are, and to know how they would handle a situation, without value judgement. It sounds strange, but the point I'm trying to make is, that with true empathy, your 'self' is removed from the picture, the other person's motivations are unimportant. Their actions are important, and their feelings, which they are making clear, are important. Why do I feel this is true empathy? Because it is devoid of value judgement, you can look at this dispassionately and know that they feel and act a certain way, and it's not good/bad or right/wrong. It just is. This is very liberating, because it takes away any thought or feeling that people are doing something to upset you, or hurt you specifically, or that they have even considered how you will feel about it. It's also liberating, because I know that very few other people think like me, and that it's not bad/wrong to not think like me. It's hurtful to me, but it's not bad/wrong.

The other thing is about sex. It's now more or less an itch, that can be ignored for a while and scratched whenever I have the time. I still think it's not ideal, but maybe the making of the decision to stay with SO took way the discussion/option of leaving for someone with a higher sex drive. And with SO... I guess it's become intensely familiar. Not that it's a bad thing, but maybe I'm finally bored of it, so the physical urge is just that, an urge that can be managed. Maybe it's noteworthy that I'm calling the act 'sex' rather than 'making love' and that we're now so 'together' that 'making love' even includes hanging out with family, or making a meal, or watching a movie, or even just talking.

There was a time, not too long ago, when I firmly believed that sex was essential, but more because I wanted physical contact. I wanted to be touched and to touch. I can see that now, I absolutely could not then. Or maybe I'm deluded now... I can't tell which, but now, there's more general touching, like hugging or sitting close, and that feels like enough.

I also realise that my body gives back what I give it. If I nourish it well and exercise regularly, I have more energy, glowing skin and obviously, a more toned body. Which means if I'm serious about children, I have to be serious about taking care of my body. In the past two months (April and May) I've been very bad about food and exercise, and my energy levels have been ... low. Not non-existent, just low. And it's now obvious to me that it's a choice I have made. I won't have the energy of a 20-year-old, but I can have more energy if I take better care of myself. Which again, is not impossible, just needs better planning, i.e. keeping more vegetables around and taking the effort to cook and eat.

Life is. It will be exactly what you make of it, and I choose daily to make my life positive and happy.

Following a Thought

The rage has reduced a little and it may have been chocolate addiction. Whatever it was, I'm acutely conscious of being 'disturbed'. So disturbed in fact, that I want to crawl into a hole and hide forever and ever. Or go away on a holiday where nobody knows me and spend a lot of time with myself and by myself. It's odd, that in this disturbance, I don't want to flee from me. I want to flee from my life.

Or maybe it's not so odd. The last times I had this feeling is when I made serious mistakes at work. I wanted to quit and run and hide. I didn't though, I worked through the mistake, did what I could to fix it and moved forward. Is that what I'm feeling now? That I've made a mistake?

The current disturbance is due to something that's become more and more painful with time. Children. I want them. For the past month or so, I'll be doing something, like drinking water, or watching TV, or walking, or driving and I'll think 'I want children'. It's moved well past a shadowy 'sometime in the future' to a 'now'. I've told myself many times that 'I want' is bad attitude. It's an expression of ego, which is selfish. Maybe my ego is bigger than I can handle? Maybe everything is going well enough that I think this should be too?

The thing is, this - children, is not in my control, but it is in our control as a couple. And it may be that I feel that I've done everything to achieve what SO wanted, been a very supportive girlfriend and spouse, and he's not doing the same for me. I feel this specially, today. Why specially? Because for a few days, I've been thinking about whether I want to pursue fertility options (IVF etc.) or adopt. Being in India, you would think it would be easy to adopt, and maybe it is, but it's also a time and money commitment, and then a wait. The wait can be anything from a few months to a few years. And for all of which, I want a partner. I want someone who is working through the issues and decisions with me.

Yesterday, I found a few online quizzes about whether I was ready to adopt and took them. I also had SO take them. One issue that they ask all adoptive parents to consider is whether you've accepted infertility, or in other words, whether you still hope that you'll get pregnant. I do. Mainly because I think I want to be pregnant. I want that experience for myself, but I also want to be a parent, and every so often the scale tips more to being a parent. SO took the same tests/quizzes and he apparently has accepted infertility, and harbours no hopes of getting pregnant.

I understand why he may think/feel this way, but surely this is something we should have a common view on? What is the point of me tracking my cycle, telling him when the time is right, fighting and crying about his 'interest' or lack thereof, if he's accepted that he is not going to father a child?

Also, he seems specifically blinded to one option, sperm donation. If it works, the resulting child would be related to me at least. I'll see myself, my parents, my brother etc. in him/her. Is that not desirable? Is it that he's decided that if he can't have children, I shouldn't as well? While I often think about this option, the logical follow through is considering if it makes sense to find a donor who is related to the SO, but that just starts sounding messed up. Asking someone (logically SO's brother) if he'd consider helping us have a child is... weird! Also, fortunately, SO's brother has just left the country for a long stint abroad.

The thing is, I'm still angry that I never seem to get anything my way in this relationship. I wanted to get married earlier, he didn't, we didn't. I want to have children, he didn't, we don't. And in each of these cases, it's not like he's saying 'no' upfront. If he did, I'd leave and build my life again. He keeps saying yes, but not now, yes but. I know it sounds like an exaggeration - not getting my way in anything. I suppose I've got my way in the house we live in (location) but it's a good decision. I also kind-of got my way in the car, but that was pretty much a joint decision and a good choice. What else? We've never had an issue of needing to live with in-laws, so no ways there. I will say, he's never tried to control my actions, and that is a big thing. It's big enough that a friend left her husband for the reverse. All my closest friends suffer from some amount or form of control, so this is a major plus. But on the minus side (shared by the friend who is now divorced from controlling) is the lack of ambition, lack of financial stability... leading me to feel ... insecure. And SO has been the cause for other insecurities for me as a woman.

I'm not saying he's a horrible person. He's not, just  that he doesn't know how to be my husband. That's something I've said before, and somehow, two months ago, he managed fine. So what's up now? Is he just more busy? Does he think that it's all fine now so he doesn't have to try anymore? Can he only do it for one month at a time? Should I negotiate for one month in a quarter? Is it worth negotiating these things? Shouldn't he feel like this, without being asked/told?

See, these kind of thoughts depress me. I feel unworthy and unloved. I don't like feeling this way, so try to divert myself, but this is a serious issue. One that comes up often too, so the correct answer is to talk about it, right? But can you talk someone into affection? Or attraction? I keep trying to distract myself, into telling myself that I have to do the right thing, and what he does is up to him. But now that makes me feel incredibly taken advantage of.

The other thing is, on the surface, we're fine. We know each other plenty well and can negotiate a life together easily. So if I ignore my 'disturbance', we can go weeks being superficially fine. But I can't ignore my disturbance, or at least not for too long. So I get grumpy, or sad, or fighty or something. And the cycle repeats. It's a cycle I hate, and I don't know how to break it. I think I need to see a counsellor again.

What's Up?

I've been in a rage the past few days. The only thing that keeps me on even keel is music. The slightest stupidity on the part of anybody else makes my blood boil instantly. It's making me an aggressive driver and a pretty rotten person.

I thought for a bit that it was just SO that I'm furious with, for a variety of reasons, but it's not just him. Last night, we were crossing a road and it pissed me off intensely that a two-wheeler, who had the rest of the road to choose from, was aiming for us. Made me angry, not just irritated. Today I drove in to work and man! Also, I came in to office to be social (i.e. hang out with my colleagues) but I really don't want to talk to the ones who are in office currently. I'm actively ignoring them and using music to drown out their voices.

I'm sure it's just PMS, but that's got to be wrong. Why is my PMS kicking my ass these days? I keep thinking I should exercise to keep it under control but I'm not remotely motivated enough and sometimes that pisses me off too. I'm a little scared, what if it's not PMS and it's me? Worse still, what if it is PMS and I can't manage it?

The End of the Wait

For me, at any rate. The wait w.r.t. Randall Munroe continues. For me, this time has shown that I need a healthcare provider, and that SO would like this as much as I would. He'll be a wonderful father too. So it's time for us to take the necessary steps to start a family, whether with our features, or just our nurturing. Doors opening and closing all over the place!

Time... Wait For It

Randall Munroe has a comic up, it's called Time (http://www.xkcd.com/1190/) the mouse over is 'Wait for It'. He's been continuing to post past this comic, but this one continues to evolve. And it's still saying 'wait for it' so I for one, am waiting. I'm sure it will be awesome.

I'm also taking this as a personal message, waiting for an outcome that I hope will go one way, but which might well go the other. The main highlights are that a friend's mother guessed that I might be expecting (because I looked incredibly tired... not sure if that's good or bad) and I've confessed my lateness to my mother and another friend. I have also made an appointment with a doctor for early next week. Why next week? Because this is a short work week, with SO's grandmother visiting us from Thursday evening to Sunday afternoon. I'm also meeting my cousin for lunch on Wednesday and a friend for a 'girl's spa day' on Thursday, so I don't want to add potential bad news or investigation to this week. I figure, if the period comes, it comes. If it doesn't come, then I'll have more to ask her next week. On a less flippant note, I could take another test, but I'm quite sure it'll be negative (so much for positive mental attitude), and I know I'd be upset by a negative... so this is what I'm going to do.

How do I feel? Tired most of the time, thirsty often (leading to the obvious, visiting the loo more often), my fingers are slightly swollen, I have a constantly slightly sore lower back, and my digestive tract isn't functioning as efficiently as it used to. Are these symptoms, sure, but they could be because I'm not sleeping properly because it's hot (and boy is it hot!). I'd like to believe, I talk to the 'baby' but I'm preparing for it not to be as well.

Still Waiting

Since I tested (only 2 days ago) nothing has changed. I'm all confused, not sure what to do, what not to do, who to tell etc. I did start multivitamins though, and (rather stupidly) with B complex. Too much vitamin B is the minor result of this adventure. Funny how quickly the body reacts to some stuff.

As Expected

I am not expecting. My period is not here yet, but it's probably a matter of hours now. I took a test (after holding out 4 days beyond the expected date of my period) and it's negative. I'm not devastated, I suppose mainly because this would have been a real miracle, and maybe I'm a little bit in shock, but maybe also the experience of being mother to my friend's baby for 5 months has made these little waits completely tolerable.

Fayakun :)

Edited to Add: I was all philosophical in the earlier part of this as it was morning. I woke up practically in the middle of the night (3 a.m), went back to sleep and woke up again at 4:30 a.m. That time, I told myself that since I was up, I should test. Last night, I strategised about how I would go about testing (no pee sticks, need a receptacle... sorry! I know it's TMI). Anyway, I tested, waited the appropriate amount of time, saw the 'Control' line and gave up. I went about my day and figured that my iron is low, which is also what could be causing fatigue. Dutifully, I also surfed the net for other people who were 'delayed' but had negative test results. I noted that several of them went back and looked at their tests hours later (gross you say?). I also noted that several hours have passed and my period is not here yet. Maybe tomorrow... maybe.

Though, I'm back home now, and true to gross form, I've re-checked and there is what would at least qualify as an evaporation line. So... I'm gross :)

Fayakun

As with everything, I would like very much to be able to control this. My period isn't here yet and I can't shake the feeling that it will be, so I want to hurry along to that outcome.  So I am blogging, to remind myself that the outcome will be what it will be. Every twinge has me nervous, every hour that passes makes me more nervous. I am trying to take deep breaths and remind myself that the answer will become apparent soon, and it will be as God wills it, not I.

:)

I'm probably kidding myself (hah!) but I don't care at present. This month, of all the months that we could have, SO and I genuinely 'tried'. We may have mistimed the trying, but we tried.

This month, of all the months in the past year, I've not had the type of PMS I usually do. I know it's contradictory, I should have more PMS symptoms, not less. I should be more realistic, and know that if it hasn't happened in all these years, it's not happened now.

And yet, I'm feeling slightly different. My body feels slightly different, I'm feeling more hopeful, and my requests to the universe for signs all have resulted in very positive signs. My period is due in the next few days. Till then, I'm going to remain hopeful. I'm going to smile enigmatically and talk to my uterus and to the little baby that I'd like very much to be growing there. 

Minor Ramblings

Price stickers and scabs, I like picking at them. In fact, that's how you can tell if I've read a book. The ones in my shelves that still have their price stickers on have not yet been consumed. What does that say about me I wonder? That I like a clean back of book? I also like an uncracked spine, feeling somehow a little more respectful of the book, that I'm not forcing it to submit to my will. The other thing it says about me is that I like books.

I also find that most of my friends, my good, close friends, like books. We read, we look for other people's stories, not, I assume, because our stories are not enough. Personally, it is to help my story become a happy ending. I have spent a lot of time with my own thoughts and found, at various points, that books are a distraction, a source of information, and occasionally a source of inspiration.It turns out, that my friends do the same. Why? Because we are constantly making sense of our world, or trying to. Why did this happen, why me, why not me, why do I feel this way, etc. Also it appears that not everybody is like us.

This blog is certainly my attempt to make sense of my world, and who knows, maybe portions of this will be introductions to my autobiography, or a set of essays or something. Always assuming that somebody else wants access to my thoughts.

At present, for some reason, I'm not at all keen on life. I want a long holiday. I want something violently different to look forward to, or to sleep in and do things on my schedule. Maybe will be dealt with by not going to office (i.e. working from home).

The SO and I... we're doing better. He's clarified that he wants to have children with me, but now I'm 36. I'm inclined to collect some money and start the adoption process, while we attempt to get pregnant without medical intervention. Let's see how it goes.

Growing Growing Older and Growing Up

There was a wedding in SO's family last weekend. I know the groom well and his wife is not Indian, so his family had some trouble with the concept. I'm the first girl in this generation of wives, who is not from their community, so I had a sense of what it would be like for her, and did reassure them, that the family is a good one. All well meaning and kind, they want to welcome, just that some of them don't have the words.

It's been a rough time with the SO and I told myself earlier that I'd let February go by completely, not let the bad days be deciding days. I thought that by the end of the month, I'd have a sense of whether I can let him go. The thing is, on the good days, he still won't do anything about having babies. On the bad days... To his credit, he is trying. He is kinder to me and slightly better at putting himself aside when I want something. But then came the wedding. The hardest part of this relationship for me, is that we know each other so well. We can live a very comfortable life without the relationship, but then what's the point, and what about babies?

The reason the wedding even features, is because now, 5 years into the marriage, I am as much a part of his family as he is. Whether it was because the family was trying harder for the foreign bride, or because the children in the family have grown older, more people spoke English now than at the time of my wedding. So that was more convenient and comfortable for me. Also, I've learnt enough of their language to communicate if I have to, but more importantly, to understand conversation without needing translations. In short, to be able to communicate. What this means is, that I actually cannot leave him. This entire family will understand if I say I have to, because he doesn't want children, but that's not the point. I can't actually leave them. So that's one decision made.

Personally, this wedding was ... special. Not because of the wedding, or the family piece, but because of one boy. He's a first cousin of the groom, so his father is SO's cousin. He's 20. I've seen pictures of him and thought he was hot. When I met him, I thought I'd be able to harmlessly lust after him, as some side entertainment at this wedding. He, on the other hand, began teasing me - asking me to serve him more/specifically etc., then being around me a lot, complimenting the way I looked, looking at me, for me a lot of the time. I was flattered. I still am. He made me feel very special. He's 16 years younger than I am, so I've no idea what he intended to do, and in typical fashion, am agonizing about just that. What did he mean, why did he ... This part of the post is my attempt to let go of the thinking and enjoy the way he made me feel. Very special. Thank you boy!

Evolving into Me

Yesterday was a ... strange day. I was reasonably good at work, but I was awful to SO in the morning, I was tired and snappy, but then I apologised and resolved to be better. Usually, he reacts by sulking and it takes a while to be 'normal' again but yesterday, I suppose the apology helped, we were back to normal by the time we saw each other again. We had a nice, fun evening and I'm feeling all optimistic.

2012 was a good year financially, I was saving, mainly for the baby, but I was saving maniacally. As a result, I was nice and comfortable. In the 3 months in the US and the subsequent month, I've spent a lot more than I'd have liked, and due to home loan issues, I'm not sure how much I need to save in 2013, so oddly, I feel insecure about money. It's still early days, and this will sort itself out eventually, but it's interesting. What it means is, that this year, my personal goals may not include as much travel as I'd have liked.

I think this year I want to do things, (1) become a runner; (2) learn to play a musical instrument. I'm keeping this vague because I really want to learn to play the piano, but we have no room and I can't afford one, so it'll be a guitar, but I really want to learn music. I enjoy music a lot, and I'm excited about learning to make it.

When I was in my early 20s or maybe late 20s, beginning to be exposed to people from other cultures and races, I felt under-equipped. That as a child, my parents didn't try to get me into enough (they did try, carnatic classical, bharatnatyam dance, hindustani music - harmonium, but I wasn't interested), and over the years, as my earning ability increased, my skill got a level of easy competence, I found free time, time to indulge in hobbies and try stuff. Which is how I'm going to evolve into me.

Happy New Year!

It's a new year, and new years are all about hope. All about the possibilities and maybes, and I'm alternately thrilled and terrified. Thrilled because possibilities are very exciting, terrified because the flip side of the positive possibilities are not so exciting :)

My cousin posted this on her Facebook and I dismissed her anxieties (albeit only in my mind) because I don't think she should be identifying with it. I don't identify with the writer on a personality level, but I do identify with some specific things she said. Namely "...unhappily married people live with a particularly viral strain of loneliness, and the interesting thing about loneliness is it forces you to confront yourself." And maybe this is what has happened to me. I've admitted to myself that it's been getting progressively lonelier for me in this marriage, whereas SO has seen it as getting more secure, but there you have it. I have therefore been forced to confront myself and now find myself on the verge of being 'skinless and shivering'.

After being in a relationship for over a decade and being married for 5 years, I find that SO's family have become my family. I treat them much like I do my own, I fuss over some of them, bully others, think about some fondly and others less so, etc. And the thought of ridding myself of this family as well as the presumed security of being married is what has me on the edge of skinless, what's really depressing is that on the bad days, I would almost prefer to be skinless and shivering, than the alternative, which on bad days feels like my heart is being shredded. Talk about a rock and a hard place.

That said, it is a new year, with wonderful possibilities, and I'm still clear that I can be more than I have been so far. Not dramatically more, maybe, but certainly incrementally more.

Yoda! That Old Frog!

I want to abuse Yoda a little more roundly, but I find I cannot. Words are hurtful things. But see, the dude said 'do or do not, there is no try', providing a super easy excuse for those who don't want to try. If there is no in between, then there is no failure.

Though maybe I'm being unfair to Yoda. He was only trying to encourage a boy to give something his best shot. Though he was using the word 'try' as somehow telling yourself that failure is acceptable. Is that really so bad? What is life but a series of tries? You find some things you can really make a go of, and you get to higher heights with them, but if you hadn't tried, where would you be? If you hadn't dipped your toe in the shallow end when you were afraid of the deep, would you ever have learnt to swim?

Personally, I think that trying is the most wonderful thing you can do for yourself. It opens you up to new experiences and new worlds, and it opens up parts of you, that you may never have known you had. I love trying new stuff, and my plan is to do something new regularly, just so I know how it works for me. I've learnt that I love swimming and my body's good at it. I'm mostly a self taught swimmer, but now I have pretty good technique, purely because I kept trying. I've learnt that I'm good at languages, I like learning and I love communicating, so it's been fun. Also, being in a class with other novice learners is wonderful, similar interests, similar levels of ability, camaraderie. I think I also like teaching, but that's one for the future. More immediately, I want to learn music again, probably the guitar because I still don't have room for a piano/keyboard, and scuba diving. Definitely scuba diving.

Yoda,  somethings I may do, somethings I may do not, but I will sure as hell try.

What I talk about, when I talk about Children

As with every relationship, the more things change, the more they stay the same. SO's being nice to me, but seems to be hoping that the difficult questions evaporate. The most difficult question is children. I think I finally asked it the right way yesterday. He's been saying 'we'll do whatever you want' and I finally was able to articulate that I'm not able to 'do what I want' because it's a child. We did research, field work and discussed for ages before we bought a house and a car, so why are we not doing the same for a child?

At the crux of it though, is what it means to me. I thought I would be able to live without children, but I find that I'm powerfully attracted to them. I want to smile at children, make faces at them, play with them etc. It's not too far out to imagine that I could feel a child would be better off with me, if left alone in a pram by tired parents. Even rationally, I've thought about the work of taking care of a child and I'm actually looking forward to it, I want to deal with ear aches and poopy diapers. I want to teach a child to eat and use a loo. I want a little person in my life, for whom everything is brand new.

And I want to share all this with someone who is as excited as I am about it. And maybe that someone is not SO, while that is sad, that is acceptable. Because I think it's really unfair to a child if we adopt it without this level of excitement and enthusiasm.

Writing Your Own Love Story

I'm back home now, back in my city, my office... I'm adjusting in some ways and being difficult in others. I thought that I'd explained enough to the SO, and I have in parts and have not in parts. I am though, sure that I'm not  going to leave him. It's not like I don't want to from time to time, but that I feel this is an important part of my life. He and his family are now an important part of my life and I don't think I have the inclination, energy or time to change that.

This realisation has made me believe that I must be more open about my issues, be more forthcoming about what I feel and why, so SO can decide what he wants to do about it. I think this approach is working well, because he now has more information about what it will take to make this work, and I am not feeling shut out or unimportant, because he's actively listening and responding.

This particular post though, is about love stories, the way they are in romance novels. I'm a romantic, was and probably always will be. Which means that I like a certain kind of man, the hero of a romance novel. I know that almost all romance novels are written by women, so there are no men like that, but I found this - http://juliagrey.wordpress.com/contributors-stories/ten-ways-to-be-a-lover-a-man-looks-at-romance-novels/ and it's spot on! Some of the 'characteristics' of a romantic novel hero include being super rich and good at everything, and having good genes (tall, dark and handsome) is obviously fictitious, and some of the behaviour advice, while in keeping with the genre, is just misogynistic (touch early and often) but some stuff is accurate for me.

In short, I would like my man to think only of me. Obviously not all the time, but from time to time I'd like to know that I'm the only thing on his mind, or at least that I am on his mind from time to time. I'd also like him to be the best I've ever had, and to declare himself repeatedly and often. I'm learning how to be more secure in myself, but that apart, I think in a relationship, I'd like to know that my significant other values me. For now, the message seems to be getting through, which bodes well for 2013.

I think i will have the love story I want, eventually. And when I tell it then, it will be with a relationship of long standing and a true life-partner. A worthwhile life and love story.

Happy Thanksgiving!

It was my first Thanksgiving in the US and I spent it with a second cousin and her friends. I had a much better time than I expected, because I expected a bunch of people talking about themselves (talk about low expectations!) What I found instead, were a bunch of bright, articulate people who were warm and welcoming, we played Taboo and some of us even watched a movie (Life of Pi). I got back today, have some work to get done, and potentially a dinner tonight. Most of the people I spoke to over Thanksgiving are older than me, and the one message I got for myself, is that you've got to be self-aware.

Life of Pi is a beautiful movie! It's so... beautiful! I haven't read the book and as always, the way India and Indians are portrayed jarred a bit, but it was still very beautiful. I'm guessing Irfan Khan will soon become a sought after Hollywood star, people will begin writing parts for him, which is good for all Indian talent in North America I guess.

Also, as some of the people I met over the weekend are very into music, I heard of 'Perfect' by Pink. Like everything else of it's type, this song made me cry. The sanitized video is simple, about how easy it is to make a child confused. Maybe it's especially true about little girls or girls, who are anyway bombarded with messages about body and beauty but maybe not. At any rate, as an adult (who should therefore know better) with self-esteem issues, this song made sense. I wanted to say that I've forgiven my parents for not noticing or not helping earlier, but that forgiveness is complete, so I no longer want to say that. They did their best, and I know that. So we're good. What's left now is for me to work on myself.

I saw a version of the Cinderella story, in some magical kingdom, with Anne Hathaway and a really cute prince. The twist in the story was that Ella was cursed to be obedient, when people discover this, they use it to their advantage, making her do things she doesn't want to, and to hurt people she likes.  [SPOILER ALERT] The way she breaks the curse though, is to tell herself what to do, while looking in a mirror. It's a very simple twist, which she doesn't discover till a very crucial point in the story, but that's the key isn't it?

We grow up, believing what the world tells us about us. We grow older and learn about ourselves, learn that we can change and learn new stuff, be different. And I'm  now working on telling myself what to believe about me. I may not be perfect, but I am certainly enough.

Clashing Tides

Today, my parents depart after visiting the US for 55 days. When they came, I realised that it had been over 10 years since I shared a house with them for more than an occasional day. For one month, we shared a bathroom, then they travelled for 2 weeks and now for another 9 days, we've been 'family' again. Not a complete family as my brother is elsewhere (where they were for 2 weeks) and somehow, the thought of them leaving makes me tear up.

I thought it might be relief that they're going, but it's not. I'm going to miss having them around, as remarkably weird as that sounds.Sure, we aggravated each other, but we're family, we took the aggravation and tried to be nicer. They did stuff like grocery shopping and cooking and fixing things, so I wouldn't have to. I took them places and negotiated the unfamiliar as much as I could, so they didn't have to. And this is what it's about. 3 adults who like each other enough to make allowances for tempers and moods, and want to help each other do less. What also upsets me is that when we all go back (I follow in just about 2 weeks) we'll go back to seeing each other once on 2 weeks or 3 weeks for 2 hours or so, our lives going back to routines that don't include each other, and this makes me ineffably sad. I guess I finally understand what the parent-child relationship is. Especially one where we've all made our peace with the people we are, have gone beyond control issues, so genuinely respect each other and trust each other.

I'm going to miss my mommy and daddy!

The Things You Know

Or don't know or want to learn or want to ignore... or whatever :)

When I was little, I heard or read the story of the monk in training who studied for years and years and then took the all important exam. The exam had a single question 'What do you know?' The eximinee wrote pages and pages and thought hard and took as long as he possibly could. When the results came out, he had failed and he complained bitterly to his master. The master just told him that he hadn't leant the right lesson. So the monk studied harder for many more years, and then took the exam again. The question was the same, but this time, the examinee answered with a single sentence. When he read the sentence, the master hugged the monk and told him he had passed.

The thing about this story is, they don't tell you what the sentence is. So when I was little, I thought the sentence was 'I don't know anything.' I was in my teen years, or maybe early 20s, learning about biases and stereotypes and how colour is a concept and numbers are representations, I thought that must be it. Nobody could say with any certainty that they knew anything at all.

Then a few years ago, I found QI. IT's a quiz show on BBC which is now in it's 10th season, which I discovered in my 30s. As it's not available on TV where I am, it's available on YouTube :) QI is merely an example, but basically, though my life, I've retained a curious spirit, I want to know more. I keep reading things, learning things, forgetting things, but I want to know more. And paradoxically, I found there were some things I was sure I knew. Things like you must always be kind. Things like all people are the same and must be treated equally.

So now, in my mid-30s, my answer to the monk's exam question is 'I have a lot to learn.' Maybe one day I will find the answer to the question in the actual story, but till then, this is my answer.

Soft

I can't tell if I'm too soft, but I'm weird. I cry easily, in a way that people that know me, both personally and professionally (apart from the SO) would not expect or even acknowledge. When I am with myself, when I'm fully me, hurt touches me deeply and the grave injustices of the world suggest that God is not kind or beautiful and certainly not all-loving. I've felt like this before, when my 30 year old cousin died from a brain aneurysm that a 30 year old had no business having. Leaving behind him a wife who was his college sweetheart who had to go through another marriage to get to him, and a 4 month old baby who is almost 4 now, growing up with words about her father instead of memories.

Today, thanks to Google's abilities to find something or the other in response to any search query, I found http://munchkinmom.blogspot.com/. A blog by a lady who was married to a man she loved and who loved her. Three children, two of whom were adopted, two with special needs, one with psychological issues that they were working with. The last post was in October 2011, talking about how the family scatterred the ashes of her husband. I read on to the time he died, a 46 year old man who died of a heart attack, suddenly one Saturday, while with his children. Then I went back to the last published post and noticed a list of comments. The blogger had herself, passed away 2 days after her last post, injured fatally in a freak road accident. At first, reading her blog, I cried for what she'd lost, and how simply she talked about her challenges. And how she was being a good person, choosing the 'right way' each time, every day, though it's a very difficult thing to do. And then I cried for the children. In 3 months, their world changed completely. From struggling with their issues with the support of two wonderful, loving, caring parents, they had to face the world themselves. They continued to have family, a grand parent and an aunt, and I hope they are doing well, but my heart goes out to them.

I can't tell what it is, but these ordinary cruelties of life are killing me these days.