Irritating!!

So, we decided that we've been married long enough, we should think about children. This was last year in May. As per the plan, I was going to get healthier between May and November and begin trying in earnest in November. The archives have a post from October, when I though I might be pregnant... Then I started working like a bit of a maniac. Right through till March. Around that time, SO also travelled (Feb to March). So our earliest bet was April.

In April, I did some bodily research and think I got the timing right. It was last week. From Saturday, I've been feeling the following:

1. Crabby - have violent mood-swings with things upsetting me much more than they normally would.
2. Painful breasts and nipples - TMI for some, but hey - nobody else reads this blog right?
3. I guess bloated? I feel full most of the time, don't realise that I'm hungry, can't eat too much.

Yesterday I had slight back pain - like I get with my period (again TMI I guess)

Today, I've a new one - fluttering in the lower abdomen. Not sure if it feels like period cramps or what. It's all rather confusing.

I'd like to believe that I'm pregnant - but what if I'm not? Apart from these, I see no symptoms. No food cravings or aversions, no fatigue (though I'd certainly like to sleep), no nausea, no bleeding.

I'd like to tell someone other than SO that this is going on - just cause I'm very excited. He's excited - but much more cautious. Doesn't want to get too hopeful in case I'm wrong. If I'm wrong, I've a lot to worry about. This is rather kick-ass PMS!

Shammi Kappor and Mohammad Rafi

Have a lot to answer for! I grew up listening to Mohammad Rafi and spent significant amounts of time watching Shammi Kappor movies. All romantic, with intensely romantic songs. Small wonder that I'm incurable!

He's Back!

I may not have mentioned it, but I think I did. SO was traveling for 5 weeks. Added to this was my own travel and slightly hectic life. And added to both these were some slightly traumatic events - illness in family. The net result is that I was missing SO terribly. Oddly, it was not in a confused way of enjoying being by myself - it was in the way of missing someone who was a part of my every day. It sank in only yesterday when I returned home and found him sitting the way only he does, doing something. I realised only yesterday how much I missed his quiet presence. When I say quiet, I mean the times when we may be doing different things - but are both in the same place at the same time.

Just got some more family bad news... so glad SO's back!

Anoop Desai

So we have another American of Indian Origin in the American Idol. Anoop Desai. Unlike Sanjaya Malakar, this boy can sing and is more mature (hopefully won't rely on propos and shock value). But I'm confused... is he in because he can sing? Or because he appeals to a bunch of 'demographics'?

He's No. 13, he came back on a Wildcard. That's approximately twice that America didn't vote him through. Did the judges let him back in because they trust his talent? Or because they were told that he appeals to many American demographics and the Indian Amercian demographic?

Come to think of it, there are absolutely no Indian-American recording artists in the US. Though India is a gigantic market, and a good consumer of other American music.

Am I being psycho?

Of Friends...

Apparently Oscar Wilde said 'Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.' Several people have said stuff like this. To me, this means one of two things:

1. They're wrong; or
2. I'm not a woman.

When I was little, I had mainly male friends. Might be just because I have an elder brother who's just a year older. For a really long time we hung out together and had the same group. I went to an all girl's school, so made female friends along the way. Then to a co-ed school and college and now have many friends of both sexes. I also continue to make more friends of both sexes. What I've just (literally, just) realised is that it's easier to make friends with women on an on-going basis. With men/boys, you've to make friends at some strategic point.

Most of my male friends (and they're good friends) are from school and college. Times when we had plenty of bonding opportunities not related to technical discussions or alcohol. I will confess that in college sometimes it did relate to alcohol, but often times it was just talking. And after many years of talking, you apparently build a bond that's impossible to break.

I say apparently because last weekend I met a bunch of my friends, mostly male. I've not met some of them for 8+ years. But we're still the same. We still have fun together, are able to talk without inhibition, without taking offence. I miss them! And there's no passion, enmity or worship. Only friendship.

On a slightly different point, one of my friends from college is... treating himself badly. He's a dear friend, a boy's boy. I hadn't met him for absolutely ages, but I still feel for him like I did in college. Which is that he's a good friend and I enjoy spending time with him. I had an absolute blast, but he... drank way too much. Apparently he's also been very ill in the recent past. He'll do what he wants to, but I feel like asking him to keep himself going, for his friends and family. I don't want to lose another friend, especially where it is completely avoidable. I'm not sure how I communicate this to him, without completely pissing him off.

I also find that guys think it's easier to do stuff that their wives disapprove of in hiding, rather than either change or have a frank conversation with their wives. I wouldn't put it past SO to do the same, but I'd like to think I have given him enough security to tell me that he wants to do something (play video games all night, smoke cigarettes, drink like a fish, smoke dope, etc.) I may not agree with him, but my view is that it's his life and his health. I refuse to take responsibility for it, just like he refuses to take responsbility for mine (being fat, eating wrong, not exercising, etc.) I think this works and am not sure whether the other way is because it's convenient...

I guess the upshot is, I'd like to think that I'm a better wife than some others, but I'm fairly certain everybody's only doing the best they can for their own marriages... and I'm not a woman :)

On Roger Federer

So he lost yesterday. It was a very sad thing to watch, I thought he'd win all the way upto when he lost. Just one break down after winning the 4th set convincingly. I thought Rafa's tiring, Federer's still strong. Then came the break and eventually the break down. I believe that Federer handled last year because it was a bad year. Every athlete has bad years, times when things aren't going the way you need them to. He honestly believed this year would be different. He had a dream run upto the finals. He had a tough match that just suddenly fell apart.

And hats-off to Rafa. He knew that he had made Federer cry. The way Steffi Graf made Jana Novotna cry all those years ago. Federer watched Rafa snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. It hurt him cruelly, but he pulled himself together and made a speech.

What I'm hoping for now is that he can pull himself together and get through the year without a monkey on his back. Without thinking that Rafa's just better than him. But thinking that Rafa had a good day, a couple of bad calls, a couple of errors and it could have been Federer's good day.

What I took away from that match was that the two players, though different in style, are so well matched that it comes down to the last set, to who has a better game, to who has the better calls/challenges. I am indeed privileged to be living in the age of these players. To watch true sportsmen and athletes battle it out with all they've got. I just wish their hearts didn't break when they lose.

News and News

Roger Federer is now in the Australian Open Finals!! Though this may not affect anybody else personally, it affects me. I care that this man, who had an appalling year last year, has come back to win the quarters and semis in straight sets. Now let's watch the finals.

In other news, my brother's been 'let go' from his job. He's in the US and his employer has been forced to cut jobs. It is shocking to have this happen to someone I know. I know things are bad out there, people are losing jobs and all that, but I honestly didn't expect someone I know to be affected. Especially someone who was told by teachers that he 'would go far in life'... I'm slightly afraid for my brother.

Free Flow

I'm in a meeting on a Sunday afternoon. The discussions going on don't interest me in the slightest so I'm listening to music. It's strange when there is a room full of conversation going on that you cannot hear. And what you're listening to flits across your face. I wonder if anybody else is looking at me, so I look up. I catch your puzzled eye, wondering what I'm thinking. Why I look excited, then wistful, then the secret smile.

The world is a scary place, we're so much 'out there'. I give my all to my work and the people I work with - well, if I like them. I don't lie, I don't hide, I don't pretend. I expect the same from them and most often I get it. Scary because if we're seeing each other more than family... we become closer to each other than family sometimes. This is not a bad thing, just a sad thing.

Its at times like this that I miss SO a great deal. I don't want other people knowing what I'm thinking and feeling, trying to keep me entertained or cheer me up when I've had a rotten day. So far, I've managed to not let that happen, but this week was bad. A few days ago, I was very unjustly accused of not doing my job well enough. I was wounded, to say the least. I had to keep a professional air about it and I did for the most part. I cried my eyes out. But my colleagues didn't see that part (well not everybody). I could have looked to my colleagues, and if I was angry with SO for being distant I might well have, for support and reassurance.

This time, given the way I'm feeling about SO, I walked away, called him and bawled like a baby. It was amazing how much I cried, first time I've ever cried like this about work. Hopefully the only ever time. I've been upset because of mistakes I've made, but not offended violently because of an undeserved comment.

I miss my husband!

Johnny Cash

And this song called Hurt - http://in.youtube.com/watch?v=SmVAWKfJ4Go&feature=related

A colleague sent a bunch of us this. It's a Nine Inch Nails song (http://in.youtube.com/watch?v=gjwgYvzQWS4). It is Johnny Cash's confession. His telling God that he repents, and now he's ready to die. This is all I'll say because anything more makes it less.

Why I love being Married

So I never thought I'd get to this stage, but here I am. I'm away from SO again, but just before I travelled, I spent about 10 days almost completely with him. I had just come back from one trip and a few days of work which were rather harrowing but the upside is that it was very Honeymoony. I was just so happy to be with him that I didn't fight with him at all. I think we made it through the entire period with only him getting angry with me once. And I absolutely loved it.

To my mind, this is what a Honeymoon would be like. You spend time just being with that other person, when you're at a stage that you're happy to be together, enjoying each other's company. No other stresses, no tensions apart from what to do for the day (in our case where to eat). I loved it and I love him. I also think this is why Honeymoons are important, they help the couple bond as a couple. To understand what they mean to each other and how they think about certain things. I've not had this time with SO in a really long time. We try on weekends and stuff but the growing together takes some concerted time and bonding.

And so now, we're an 'us'. We have opinions, we have likes and dislikes, we also have fights but at least 'we' exist.

And Men will be Boys

So... the more you work, the more you realise that you're the only girl/woman in some situations. Not a bad thing, but guys sometimes forget this. Leading to an overdrive of testosterone and a higher level of irritation. Irritation because men are boys. In large groups where they are not close friends they discuss the most mundane stuff. Cars, watches, girls... I can stomach the cars and watches, having some interest in cars myself. The girls part upsets me greatly. It upsets me as a woman, and it upsets me as a person who works fairly hard.

Yesterday, I went out with a bunch of the guys I'm working on this project with. They're fun and stuff, enjoyable to hang out with, but constantly checking out women. Ok, so you get past that and say to yourself that they're appreciating, what's the harm in that. Then we go to a club. There are several girls there who are dressed to party, and are clearly girly girls - slim and sexy. I'm trying to put down what I found offensive. Why don't I start with the setting. It's a club in a city outside India. A club that shuts down at 3:00 a.m. or so. There is a band that performs here, with a 'lead' singer who's Canadian. She's hot, and a lot of people hit on her. Apart from that, she's got all these men who want to be close to her. Married men, out for an evening of fun with their friends. They may go regularly, or they may go off and on. I also have no clue about whether she has any objections, but I find it hard to believe that she wouldn't. They're out of shape, they're Asian, they're short and have children who may be this girl's age. They put their hands on her waist and their heads on her shoulder. Maybe she enjoys it... It would be like Bar Girls in Bombay or the Thai Bar Girls. Maybe she does.

Then there are all these other girls. Girls that go out to clubs, well dressed, in gorups of girls only, accepting drinks from men, dancing with men, giving men their phone numbers. Men that they just met, men that maybe they meet regularly at these clubs. The understanding appears to be, I'm young and pretty, you havemoney and want company, let's get together. Maybe some of these go on to be more, but it all seems so shallow. The guys feel happy because they're in the company of pretty girls, the girls feel happy that they went out and partied, without spending much money. And yet, all these men are married. I doubt very much their wives are thinking 'Thank God he's gone out with other women to dance, I so don't want to dance with him!'

So the trauma for me is twofold. The first is that one day, SO will be like this, or in this position. Senior enough to be working like a dog and want to party hard when he's done for the day. Maybe it'll be different because SO hates dancing... so maybe it'll never be him.

The second is what is a working woman to do? I work hard as well, and I love to dance. But dancing requires either supreme confidence in yourself (i.e. not caring how you look) or a very safe environment. Partying with the people I work with, when I'm not in the best shape physically, is not much fun. I had a bit of a blast yesterday, 2 of the men I was with are good dancers. Meaning, if you let them lead, you have a pretty good time. You know how it is? Their upper arms are locked, so there's that pull, you'll only go so far out, they've got you. Both of them are married and I'm fairly certain their wives would love to dance with them. Just that this dancing, their night-out-on-town dancing, is not for themselves, it's for work. So, when they're with family, they won't do this.

But back to me now... What am I to do? These guys are my colleagues, I don't want to become a party girl for them, but I do like to party (i.e. dance). Does that mean I've to find other friends? The other irritation is that they're all so Male!

What is a girl to do?

The Woman and the Mind

So I've never pretended to be anything apart from a woman. And this woman, she's part atavistic and part... well, I want to say refined, but that might be too strong a word. Maybe evolved is the right word. I'd like to think that I'm a good person. A person who can see beyond animal urges. But then... maybe I'm not. I've met a couple of men recently. They're so 'man'ly that it borders on chauvanistic, but they're hot.

So here I am. The 'Woman' thinks that these men are hot and likes their company. The 'Mind' thinks that they're chauvanistic and... well problematic at many levels. An additional problem is that I work with these men. So they can't know what the Woman is thinking. And I need to watch how I communicate what the Mind is thinking.

Ah, the absolute joys of being a working woman! I guess there is a genuine upside to this. The various pheromones that the Woman gets, keeps the Mind relaxed and functioning effectively. The downside is that the Mind is constantly checking the Woman.

I guess I was unaware or unwilling to acknowledge how strong the Woman is. I'd like to spend some time on this. The Woman adds a very useful dimension to my job. There is a lot of empathy and patience that she brings. She also brings some genuineness. But at some bottom line, she's very elemental, reactions are very immediate. The Mind is able to bring some balance, actually a lot of balance. And even in this situation, they get to work together... to keep Me standing.

Of Friendship and Death

It seems odd that in the aftermath of the horrendous 4 days in Mumbai, I'm talking of friendship. I guess the real advantages of an anonymous blog is that nobody knows who I am, so if I say a friend died in that episode, it doesn't matter to anybody but me.

The reasons I'm talking only of my friend are many, but the core is that while the insanity was unravelling in Mumbai, I was rather blase in Bangalore. I knew that some strange shit was going down in Mumbai, but what the heck, it's Mumbai right? Far away from me, etc. But wait a minute... suddenly I found out my friend died. So here's the scene, I'm Blase in Bangalore, I've another set of friends in the US. They're even more blase, because what the hey, Mumbai's soooo far away. But then our friend dies.

In some senses it feels like a play. We're all happy, hunky-dory living our lives and suddenly we hear this. I could write a school play, where one by one, several characters go on about what this particular individual meant to them. Some good friends, some acquaintances, some loved him, some hated him... all of which is true. But does this mean that we've reached a state where we only feel, when something touches us directly? So all this empathy that I thought I had is actually nothing?

Quite apart from that, my friend and I had this weird bond. He would keep in touch a lot. I would reciprocate but never initiate. For some time because the amount of attention I would get made me uncomfortable, for some time because he married a person I wasn't too fond off, for some time because he divorced her and the reason why made me wary of him. And now, he's not around anymore.

I guess in some way I want to say goodbye to him. To the person that he was, steadfast. I remember a lot of things about him, but I think this piece was paramount. My friend was steadfast. If he thought something was right, he would tolerate no less, and he would appreciate 'right-mindedness' in everyone, everywhere. I will miss him a lot.

Somalian Pirates and the World

I'd heard reports about Somalian Pirates. I also know that the Indian Navy has recently rescued a ship that was almost held hostage. I incidentally did some reading and have some opinions (as usual).

Somalia is going through a phase of anarchy where its each person/clan out for themselves. There is apparently no thought given to development of the country as a whole. So the fishermen began overfishing their waters - meaning that in due course there is nothing left to fish. Then the piracy began because it's another way to make money. People are starving and other people are making tons of money by being pirates. Nobody but Somalia can prosecute the pirates because it's either piracy on the high-seas or piracy in Somalian waters. Somalia may not want to prosecute the pirates - after all they're earning money in dollars!

Where does this leave the rest of us? Is this what the White Man's Burden is? Noblesse Oblige? The responsibility of various groups who've gone through this, who know better, to teach those who apparently don't? But who are the enlightened? And what if the un-enlightened don't want to be enlightened? What if every single Somali is willing to have the country disintegrate and the population die? Do we stand by and watch?

Somalia was the centre of a lot of world attention in the 80s and 90s. Famine, civil war, UN Peacekeeping. Eventually the world stepped out and allowed Somalia to take care of itself, and apparently it doesn't want to. Is that a problem? Should it be?

From a distance I can see that their attitude is short-term. It will only lead to more anarchy and an implosion, but if they don't care, what can anybody do?

It's a deeply philosophical question. You can educate and you can empower. Once you've done that, you've to let the person/group/country make their own decisions. They may not be decisions that you would take but they are not your decisions to take. You get to stand by and be a spectator to violence and disintegration. You get to cry when all the things you said would come to pass actually do, and all the pain you forecasted is felt.

But you still get to hope that things will get better. For them and for the world as a whole. If you give up that hope, there is almost no reason to go on.

Me and Abortion...

Interestingly, I can trace all my views on abortion back to a single statement from a lady doctor, who had come to my school to teach us about sex. She showed us a picture of a foetus at 4 weeks or so. She asked us how a woman knows she's pregnant. One answered "When she starts vomitting". Thanks to all hindi movies. True enough, but the first sign, she informs us, is a missed period.

Then she shows us this picture, little baby, hands forming, big head, marks for eyes and nose and stuff, and asks us what we're thinking. Then she says "Are you thinking that you look so human, and your mother doesn't even know you exist yet?" From that moment, I knew what to think. I had other conversations with myself about bodies and souls and when a soul enters a body, when life begins etc. But that was always at the heart of it. Once the foetus is formed - whether it carries to term or not, it is alive. It is a human being.

This all has some special meaning now. I've been trying to get healthier, and want to have a child quite badly. I've missed my July period quite comprehensively, but am not at all sure whether it's just the residual PCOS angst. I was regular for 2 months before this, but 2 months is not enough right? I'm waiting for another week before I take a test. I'm also a bit of a mess. I'm still me, I'm quite excited about being pregnant (if I am) but I'm a bit of a mess. I'm over aggressive and over weepy. I'm not sure at all that I'm pregnant, but there is a chance. It's a scary chance too :)

I wish there was an easy way to tell - like the little toe on my left foot would twitch uncontrollably and then I could be sure. The thing is, with the tests - you've got to wait for a long time to be sure. The initial tests may be negative, and then it may be positive... Or it may actually be negative. So how long do you wait? How long do you decide to keep non-alcoholic... How much exercise is acceptable?

In short, am I pregnant or ill?

Dil ko... nahin pata hai

I watched Jaane Tu... the other day. It was only during the movie that I noticed the brilliance of Nazrein Milana. It's a nice breezy song but has some wonderful vocals. The words... they're fine, but the music and voices are amazing. Of the singers, I've only heard of Naresh Iyer before, and I'm glad that all the others were involved in this.

About the movie though. I saw Pratiek Babbar. I had read a review before which said he was good, so I was expecting a lot. He was good, I'll admit, but not stunningly so. Not like, say Vivek Oberoi in Company. He did have a tiny role though, which he did well. I found it a bit irritating that he was so upset by his sister having her own life. But, that's also not his fault. I realised somewhere in the movie, that he's also Smita Patil's son. He has her cheek bones I would say. Some of the intensity of expression as well. I was intrigued and wanted to see more of him, so did some Google-ing.

I noted a few things. Pratiek is the only child of Raj Babbar and Smita Patil. Raj Babbar has two other children, Arya and Juhi (both of whom debuted in Hindi movies, but didn't make it very far). Raj Babbar was married to Nadira Babbar, whom he left to be with Smita Patil, and had Pratiek. Smita Patil died in giving birth to Pratiek. Pratiek then stayed with Smita Patil's parents, and Raj and Nadira Babbar reconciled. Do I see a minor hindi movie right here?

So many thoughts about all these real people... young people too. There are some older people, who made choices that have shaped the lives of the younger people. I hope they put sufficient thought into it.

Love and Poetry

Hindi Movie style...

It's very interesting that there is a firm link between love and poetry all over the world. My take is that love arouses the 'finer feelings' in a person, which are reflected by poetry rather than prose. A great example of this (at least, I think it's fabulous) is a song from a movie that's flopping. Thoda Pyar Thoda Magic has this song called 'Nihal ho Gayi'. I listend to it many many times before I realised what it was saying. Partly because 'Nihal' doesn't mean much to me. But one day I listened to a verse:

jisko main bheed kehta tha wo log ho gaye
jisko sadak samajhta tha wo raah ho gayi
chamakti aasma mein gol cheez chaand ho gayi
ho teri ek nazar se, ho teri ek nazar se
daaliyon mein jhoomte wo rang phool ho gaye
khushbuon se saans saans maalamal ho gayi
teri ek nazar se zindagi nihal ho gayi


What I thought was a crowd became people;
What I thought was an ordinary road became path to a future;
The round shiny thing in the sky has become the moon;
With one look you've changed my life.
The colours on branches have become flowers;
My breath is filled with perfumed airs;
With one look you've changed my life.

ek hawa jo paas aayi to jhonka kaha use
paani jo barasne laga rimjhim kaha use
hothon ke mudne ko muskurana kaha
ho teri ek nazar se, ho teri ek nazar se
badla mahina to naya mausam kaha use
sur naya naya nai nai si taal ho gayi
ho teri ek nazar se zindagi nihal ho gayi
nihal ho gayi nihal ho gayi


Wind passed by me and I call it a breeze,
Water falling became a musical drizzle,
The bending of lips I now call a smile;
With one look, with one look,
Changing months have now become seasons,
New sounds sound like music,
With one look you've changed my life.

My translations may be rubbish, but think of a person who couldn't care about the moon. Didn't ever look at it as a magical thing, and then, suddenly one day, it's a special object.

:) Now I know why I'm a romantic. And will probably remain incurably so.
Life and love are very beautiful. Sometimes the beauty of it all makes me cry, sometimes the sadness of it all makes me cry. I guess I'm just generally weepy :)

Federer v. Nadal

I saw most of the match yesterday. Federer losing to Nadal. Not such a big thing in itself, but coming hot on the heels of a loss at the French Open in straight sets and the fact that Federer has won more encounters on grass than he has lost. Yesterday, if he had won, it would have been his 6th Wimbledon title. Beating some older records that he had equalled last year. It was a well fought match, but to me, Federer was outclassed. Rafael Nadal was the better player yesterday, and it's only correct that the better player wins.

Does that mean that Federer is done for? One of the commentators was very vocal about how this loss is going to destroy Federer. Which is what sometimes makes me very grateful that I'm a normal human being. My definition of myself and in fact, my own identity, depend on things apart from my 'ability'. And I hope that Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal are aware of who they are, apart from being superb tennis players.

I keep thinking about that match, and maybe at some level the commentators are right. Being the champion was a part of his identity. There was one particular volley where I could see that Federer did not expect a return. But he got one, a brilliant one at that. Nadal on the other hand, clearly knew that he had to be prepared for everything. He did not ever give up. It was a brilliant game, just a little sad if you were supporting Federer.

And now we get to see the stuff champions are made of. A man who has played and won for over 5 years now, whose career has proved that he is a brilliant player on a lot of surfaces, has to decide what he is. Is he able to admit that he is a brilliant player, but not always the best on a day? Is he willing to admit that? Is he able to push himself hard enough so that he is at the absolute peak of his own skill? At that level, if he's the better player on the day, he will definitely win. But if he's decided in his mind that he is generally the better player, that's not good enough.

The way I see it, the Wimbledon final only showed that one thought he coudl rest on his laurels, the other was clear that he has to push forward. Either way, the future of men's tennis has just got a whole lot more interesting. And with all this, Nadal is 22 and Federer is 26. Each can safely play upto the age of 30. :) Fun Fun Fun.

Inauthenticity

I've been thinking about what someone calls the 'authentic self'. The person you 'are'. This has nothing to do with philosophy and culture or anything else. This is the basic personality that you have. And his thinking is, that if that authentic self is imposed upon, basically by your own ideas of who you want to be or what you want to do, it will be abidingly unhappy.

I believed that my authentic self was happy. Objectively, I'm a happy person. Partially because my professional life is going well and my personal life has all the trappings of success. However, I'm not abidingly happy. I mean, I find myself being unappy from time to time, and not because my work makes demands of me. I tried to blame this on other people and situations, but that's not the case, because I am unhappy, they are not. So... why am I unhappy?

The root cause appears to be that my marriage is not all that I want it to be. See? Now I can be completely objective and say that it's not all I want it to be. Therefore, the issue is with me. Either with regard to expectation or with regard to perception. The only issue here is one that I have consistently refused to acknowledge before. What if my expectations of a marriage are reasonable, but SO cannot possibly fulfill those expectations with his authentic self?

I was asked: What did I hope marriage would do for my life?
I had hoped for a partner who would be happy to spend his free time with me. We would share responsibilities around the house and spend time making each other feel happier. Spend time bonding and eventually have children. What I really want is companionship at a soul level. For someone who knows that I am tired, to try and make me feel better, either by massage or conversation or just by hugging. I'm going through a rather demanding period at work. Not that the work is un-doable or outside my understanding, just that there is a lot of it. I often need a hug at the end of the day. And SO is working too hard himself, comes home late, watches TV till he's sleepy and goes to sleep. By then, I'm asleep and any affection that he shows me, wakes me up - making me very very cranky.

What qualities would I be able to express in an ideal relationship?
Affection. The joy of being with somebody. I have always wanted to be one of those couples that walk down roads holding hands. Not because they're afraid of losing the other, but because they rejoice in being together. As long as I have known SO, I have know that he is not comfortable with public displays of affection, so have tried to be good about this. He is also not comfortable with private displays of affection - something that hurts at times and rankles at other times. Clearly, this affects me greatly. For a variety of reasons, not the least of which is that I did not see my parents enjoying each other's company when I was young. I didn't get the sense from them that they were happy with each other. They are still together, but it was difficult growing up with the tension and constant arguing. I promised myself that my children would not have that. I'm not sure if this 'requirement' of mine is just something in my mind or something that is part of me. I have a ton of friends, and I'm affectionate with them, in that I give of my time and thoughts. Displays of affection are not physical. So why do I demand more of this relationship? Why does it hurt me that I cannot hold SO's hand and smile sappily at him? This requires more thought.

What cannot I do (that I really want to) in this relationship?
The answer is related. The answer is to freely express affection and to have children. I really want to have children and we're making no progress in that department. For a while, I was also at fault on this - was developing PCOS. However, I've modified diet and have taken on an exercise routine. This should make me better, can't say for sure. However, we're nowhere near on the way to having children. I believe this is for no fault of mine. Also... given the way I feel otherwise, I'm not sure in my mind whether it's right to have children. Clearly, they'll see only what I saw. Which is again not something I want for them.

What was my level of satisfaction with life before I got married?
Contrary to the way my question was phrased, all my life, I've known that I want to be married. I want to share my life with someone else, share my home with someone else. Due to this, my level of satisfaction before marriage was low. I wanted a husband, exactly like I want children. The urge to be married, sharing everything, came in my mid-20s and was very very strong. The urge for children has been with me maybe 3 years now. Impractical as I wasn't married, but now...
I can see that if SO turns coat and says he can't do this, he doesn't understand me and marriage, I've become a total bitch and he wants out, I'll agree. I'll also be looking for someone who's ready to get married shortly after that.

There are a few more questions, clearly framed because I seemed unhappy with being married. Myabe if I had expressed a dissatisfaction with this particular marriage, the questions would have been different. I can ask myself. Am I unhappy in my marriage? Yes. I am. I can be honest about this. What I can't tell is, why.

This being unhappy results in me snapping at my husband for stupid little things, making him feel that I'm a bitch, or worse, making him feel inadequate. I try hard not to pressure him on the baby as naturally that makes him feel even more inadequate, but I'm not helping anything. I used to think that the issue was with respect. Which was that I didn't respect him enough. That is very possible, because in the whole process of getting married, I was buffetted quite a bit.

I'd like to think that I am over that. The scars have faded quite a bit, but new wounds keep forming. Wounds along the lines of 'if he knows that I have difficulty sleeping with noise/light, how can he watch the tv with the volume on high?' It presumes a level of sensitivity, which either he may not have, or may not think is necessary. The bottom line is that I make him walk on eggshells in his own house. My excuse? That he does the same to me. He has told me of his 'expectations' for the way the house should be, and I try very hard to keep it like that. I think I feel that I try very hard, but he isn't trying.

I think I have found the inauthenticity. The answer of course is, that conforming to his expectations is hurting me, partially because he is not conforming to my expectations. But then, what are my expectations? What I've listed above? Can you make someone show 'happiness to be with you'? What if they think they 'show' it enough, but you don't think so?

Is the question then, who would need to be less in-authentic to meet the other's expectations? Is that a fair question? Can the answer and living that answer ever be satisfactory?

Kya Hua Jo Laari Chooti

Interestingly, I'm always thinking of songs that suit my mood. I.E. I have a song running in my head all the time and it usually echoes what's happening at the time. Yesterday, the song echoed the sudden excitement at meeting someone. Today it is a song asking what's the matter if you miss the metaphorical boat ... :) My subconscious is a bit surprising. Why am I worried about missing boats? Cause the crush has ended as quickly as it began. The man is married with children.

I've noticed this about myself, if the object of affection is 'reserved', he's forgotten somewhat quickly. Not because he is not interesting, just that it's not an option. The more 'reserved' the faster things get closed. Strange I think... but morally defensible.

And then there was...

The past week and a half has been a bit crazy. I was in the US last week and had fun, but slept badly. I managed to exercise though, so that was very good. I got back on Sunday, which was a remarkably crappy day due to jet lag. Monday I went to work and managed quite well, in the evening I found out that my aunt had passed away. She was very ill, bed ridden and had Parkinsons, so couldn't talk, couldn't move, nothing. It is a good thing that she is no more, but she was my aunt. Endless summers of my childhood were spent with her and I miss her. I messaged SO to tell hem, and he messaged back and forth a bit. I was a bit hurt that he couldn't call.

Monday night I slept very badly and on Tuesday I found out that I had to travel again on Wednesday. Domestic only, so no real stress, but just the packing, catching a flight... irritating. So here I am now, in another city. And what happened? Yesterday I got to the office, walked in to the relevant meeting room, and fell for one of my colleagues. It's a weird crush, I can't explain it. I guess I could explain it as missing SO, but it's a very interesting experience. I've spoken to him before, but very little. And here I am, crushing away!

We'll see when this ends.

Looking for Romance

Life and love... I'm in a strangely philosophical state about both. I don't know what it is, but just thinking generally about the nature of both. People fall in love, fall out of love, fall in love again. I notice that life is also similar. People are born, they live, they die etc. Some times during this very life time, they are born again. They go through dramatic transformations which make other people that know them wonder who they are. That make their loved ones wonder if they're the same person. That make their lover wonder if this is the one they fell in love with.

I'm going through a slightly transformational phase with regard to my body. I'm trying to eat more healthy food and live a generally more healthy life. This has made me tend towards vegetarianism and get a bit militant with exercise. It's been just 5 weeks, and I've missed as often as I've hit, but I could sense some fear. Fear when I said, I may become vegetarian from the inside out.

Whether I will become vegetarian remains to be seen, but it got me evaluating people and changes that people go through. You can't base your decisions on a person based on what they told you two years ago. But can you constantly poll them? Do you say, these issues are still important to me, what do you think about them now? For instance, it's important to me to maintain a healthy life style, what do you think? And if the answer has changed since you first heard it... do you say stop, this is not what I signed up for? Do you then renegotiate the terms of your being together? How does it all work?

I was reading about this author, I've clean forgotten his name, but I'm sure Google will help me find him. David Sedaris. The only things I remembered about him are that he is gay, lives in Paris, and has recently been 'discussed' for his non-fiction being over embellished. Anyway, what struck me about what he said about his boyfriend:

"In his case, he writes, Mr. Hamrick annoys him by walking too quickly, leaving Mr. Sedaris to scuttle, bewildered and lost, in his wake. But then he remembers that Mr. Hamrick does all the couple’s paperwork, and handles all the money, and fixes all the broken appliances, and negotiates all the day-to-day living, and how happy he is when he finally spots Mr. Hamrick again."

So which of this is important? The division of labour between the couple? Or the feeling of joy when he finally spots his boyfriend again? Are both equally important? Would he stop caring about the division of labour if he was no longer happy at spotting the man again? I think that's the key. To all lasting relationships, the key is to be able to smile every time you think of the person you love. Parents have that with children most of the time. Spouses have it with each other in the honeymoon phase. Then they have to work hard at maintaining it. How? That's a brilliant question. That's one that has me twisted in knots. This is probably also the source of all pre-wedding jitters and cold feet.

You cannot know for sure, ever, that for the rest of your life, you will smile when you see a particular person. You cannot know that even though they make you furious today, tomorrow you will be besotted again, wondering how you could have ever harboured a mean thought about them. So what then is marriage? The belief that no matter how bad things get, this person has the qualities that will make you forgive them everything, everytime? And then what if this person changes?

And in all this, what is romance? What is that spark that the various movies have... that make us feel that this man and this woman, who appear to have nothing in common, will make it to a happily ever after?

Hi, I'm A and I'm an Incurable Romantic

I've noticed this about myself in the past, but thought I was over it. I used to get excited at weddings and love watching romantic comedies. I thought I'd grow out of it in time but now I'm learning to accept it.

What is really weird is not that I'm this way, but that I'm also very cynical about the world in general. I try to believe the best of people, but I know that people are people. I know that when times get tough, most people quit. I know objectively, that a movie is a tiny chunk of a fictionalised set of occurrences in some people's lives. I know that some movies even romanticise love too much, leading to a bunch of impossible expectations.

I know all this, and still when I see SO, my stomach moves around a bit. I know that real life and real love are remarkably hard work, and still (unless we're fighting a lot), I'll take all that hard work to have some time that I can snuggle into him and feel that absolute peace.

No Wonder!

For anybody that cares to notice, I started another blog regarding my aim of losing weight. Well, more about getting healthy really. Now I know why I needed to. I'm middle class Indian and am eating too much, see? For those who have no idea what I'm talking about, over the past few days, Condoleeza Rice and President Bush have suggested that improving nutrition in India is responsbible in some part for price rise in the world.

:) So now I'm watching what I eat so the starving masses in America don't feel so bad. Maybe for my children, it won't be that there are starving children in Africa, but that there are starving children in the US?

Today...

I am not a happy person. I'm functioning normally. Nobody around me knows, but I don't want to go home. I'm depressed and really don't want to meet SO. I mean, I want to meet him, but I'm angry with him. And he doesn't seem to care.

Why am I angry with him? Because he doesn't understand me, but won't take the trouble to do things that I request. I know that sounds weird. I mean, he doesn't understand why I like things a certain way. Fine, I get that. But it's important to me that they be done that way, so if it doesn't hurt him, couldn't he just do them that way? Do we have to go into 'why' every single time? Can he genuinely not see the why? To me the why is logical. The most fights we have is because I don't like waste, and it doesn't affect him much.

I guess what depresses me is that I feel very strongly about it. I just read that poor in India are getting less and less food. In my own country. So how can I order more than I need? In cities itself, there are issues with water, so how can I use more than I need? To me, these are matter of fact. They are not debatable - waste is wrong. Is this a bad principle? Am I asking for too much?

So the things that upset me are, opening taps too wide when washing hands, washing vessels etc. Letting water run when not necessary, using more gas than necessary, ordering more food than you can eat. I guess the 'necessary' part is where the main difference is. What he thinks is necessary, I think is too much. I try not to crib, but it genuinely hurts me. What's worse is, sometimes I get depressed that it doesn't even matter to him. Not the hurting me part, but the waste part. We live in the same world. We are exposed to the same poverty around us, and it doesn't matter to him.

What set it off was that yesterday, he'd made rice in the pressure cooker. Not bad in itself. But he used the biggest available vessel for that. We have normal sized vessels, that would have comfortably held the amount of rice he wanted to make. So I asked him to use smaller vessels. I was tired and hungry and really didn't want to eat rice (cause I prefer not to eat rice at night). So I was making my own meal. He asked 'why'. I snapped.

I understand that the situation arose more out of tiredness and hunger, but I'm still angry. I couldn't apologize last night and I didn't even want to share a bed with him. I'm still angry and don't want to talk to him. I mean, I want to talk to him, but I want him to understand.

And it hurts that he's never going to.

The worst is, I don't know what to do about this. I can get beyond yesterday, beyond his not wanting to make amends in any manner. But I can't get beyond the fact that this is important to me. Trying to make the world a better place in small ways is important to me. He doesn't get this, but he does manage to mock me and pick holes in my attempts. I know I'm being petty, but so is he at times.

I've prayed for strength on this many times, and I'm going to continue to pray. I love him, very much. When we're making sense to each other, we have a great time. But when this happens.... throws me off.

Phoenix Squeaking

The urge to write has struck again. Oddly actually. Just a few days ago I was thinking that I've stopped writing. Partly due to not having anything to write about, partly due to not having an audience. But then, as usual, I need to write for self.

Last year was a nice roller coaster. This year promises to be much of the same. I think I did a New Year post at the beginning of 2007 but don't really want to visit it now. I know that life went on that year. I know that my job went on, went pretty well actually. I'm happy and confident and pretend to be overworked :) That's the best way to be, pretending to be overworked. I think in the past year, I came to terms with my work and my role. I didn't always want to do what I'm doing now... i.e. this profession. I wanted to be in a very different line when I was much younger. However, in 2007, I figured that I really enjoyed what I do, I'm good at it and with the right level of support, I can do a good job. I'm not a star, but I'm nice :)

That's my consolation for not being a genius. See, if I was a genius, I would be nasty, cause I woudn't have much patience with mere mortal's inability to understand. But being a mere mortal myself, I'm patient and nice. I guess a large part of my role, and my new job (new from November 2006) has been to understand a situation and communicate it clearly. The people I'm explaining to should ideally already know the situation but often don't. The ones that do are a pleasure to work with, we're all on the same side then. But the ones that don't fight the other side's battle first. It's a challenge to convince them, without getting hyper agressive. My new job has helped in this a lot, by providing me information. Now, I understand properly myself, and therefore can explain without too much stress.

On the personal front... I guess a lot happened. I got married, for one. Did that change anything? Not really. Having known SO for a bunch of years before we got married means that there's no real 'newlywed' time. But there is still a lot of adjustment regarding new family and stuff. Stuff that I honestly didn't think I'd need to deal with, but have managed reasonably well. Sometimes I'm not very interested in being a good girl, but I'm still not rude or nasty or even bad. Just a little less gracious than I would be otherwise.

At some level, I find it irritating being a daughter-in-law. Like I find it irritating to be a daughter. The 'duty' is a chafing leash, but one that's on for life. The Daughter Leash was one that I was born with, the Daughter-in-Law one, I chose. :) Serves me right what? It's not like there are some weird demands, just that there are demands, when I'm not ready for them or not in the best mood to deal with them. But still... duty right?

Turn Turn Turn

It's really strange. I want to blog about this but... I went for a wedding reception yesterday. The bride was my classmate in college, the groom two years my senior. The groom and I worked together at my first job. The groom was my first boyfriend. I had a half boyfriend before him, and he and I didn't last very long, just about a month... but there you have it.

I fell in love with him at some point, we went around shortly after that, and we broke up shortly after that. About 6 months afte we broke up, I started seeing SO. It's not the history of the relationship that I want to write about. It's about the guy I knew, and, due to pride... now know no longer.

Well, maybe pride is a harsh word, more like self-preservation. Even when he and I were seeing each other, he was seeing the girl he eventually married. They were not in any real relationship as they were in different cities and she was seeing someone else, but they were definitely emotionally engaged. One of the reasons I broke up with him. Yes, I broke up with him. Because I was (and am) a total romantic, and I could see that though he liked me very much, his love was reserved.

I've not met him in ages. I've not spoken to him in almost as long, but whenever we get around to talking, it's for hours. He was in some ways, the most gentle person I knew. Not in terms of thoughts or actions, but in general. He was accepting of anything. He had his bad points for sure, but I don't want to think about those for now. What struck me when I saw him yesterday was that my first boyfriend had got married to a woman he's loved for a long time :) Made me quite happy. And made me remember the time I spent with him.

That led me to the time when I met SO and fell in love and all of that. We've been together quite a while now and have quite a while to go, but it was nice to reminisce. It was so nice, in fact, that I was much nicer to SO than I normally am when he came back at some un-Godly hour and woke me up. But that's a different story...

Depressed and Scared

It's been a while since I've been in this situation. I've been here before and last time as well I was seriously depressed. I made a mistake at work. The fall out is limited as we sort of caught it in time. I'm also doing whatever damage control I can and my boss is being an absolute gem about this. However, the mistake was made, and it's my fault.

These are the times when being responsible really scares me. Normally I tend towards the right thing. Erring on the side of caution and all that. This one... has two points of view. It would even have been ok if I had considered the two points of view and subscribed to one. It's just that I missed the issue altogether. My mistake.

The problem with this is, I become very unmotivated about future work. I become scared of making another mistake. Then I end up overanalyzing everything, turning to my boss at all times etc. Not a very pleasant place to be in.

I know I'm handling the situation ok. I'm not running away, I'm taking responsibility, willing to face the flak, willing to do everything I can to fix this. But I'm still scared. The last time this happened, I worked myself out of my job. This time, I know I'm not going to do that. I'm going to stay and continue to do my job. I do know I'll never repeat this mistake, but I'm petrified of making another one.

More Serious Issues

I have strong views about abortion. It's odd, I'm not sure that my views relate to religion but... on deeper examination they probably do. When I was in college, I discovered the 'personal-political' situation. To me, it's where you have personal opinions that are actually based on some political views. You could say that it's purely personal, and nobody has a right to dispute/judge them. You could say this, but it is always important to realise that opinions are based on your view of the world, of what is right and wrong... and eventually, the information you are provided.

I chose abortion to talk about because my views on it formed very early. I realise that some part of this is because I went to a Catholic school but a large part is because I believe in re-incarnation. I find it fascinating that I do not believe in organized religion, but I'm deeply religious. I do not know what to do in temples and churches and the like, but God is very important to me. When I was quite young, I decided that souls do not get extinguished. I'm not sure why I decided this but it made sense to me that people are souls in bodies. Bodies die, souls go on. And souls are therefore reborn. Then when I thought about the time of rebirth... the 'quickening' seemed like an artificial point of time. 'Quickening' is the time that medicine decides that the foetus has an independent existence. This is a bit weird, cause though a day old foetus cannot survive on it's own, it is still another existence right? A whole different life. Therefore, to me, when conception occurs, life begins. And thereafter, to end that life is murder. Therefore, abortion is murder. But then there are other issues. Surely there must be some situations in which abortion is defensible? Sure there are, when other people do not believe what I do.

Basically, when I look at the issue of abortion, I can see how my personal opinion is advised by several religious and political issues. I believe that the fact that I can see this will enable me to participate in a discussion on the issue impartially. I know why I feel the way I do, and can see why others may not feel the same way. This means that I will not push my view as being the only 'right' view. I'd like to think that all the world needs is some sensitivity to the views of others... but does this mean there is no objective 'right'? Tough one :)

Marriage and Divorce

So two friends of mine are getting a divorce. From each other. They've known each other since they were 15/16 and were seeing each other when we were all in our early 20s. Now, he's 30 and she's 29. They got married 2 years ago, soon after she got out another marriage. Not very encouraging circumstances, but there you go. When I heard they were getting married I was horrified. I didn't think it made sense. Her coming out of a divorce that she hadn't initiated, him coming out of a break-up that wasn't pleasant. I didn't know her too well and knew him well. Didn't want to cause them any trouble so didn't voice any opinions. When we met up as a group, they seemed happy together. Quite in love and all that.

Two years they managed fairly well. He has a travelling job, she didn't want to travel when she should (though for a large part, she didn't have the option). They met whenever possible but she always seemed... not completely happy. He on the other hand, was always very upbeat about the situation. In retrospect, seems to me like she'd come out of one bad marriage and was very scared that she was in another bad marriage.

Last week they announced their divorce. Her without any reasons but with resignation and him with much angst. I was always a better friend of his, and will probably stay that way but it's so sad. She is unique. She defies definition, probably one of the best things about her. She lives life on her own terms and damns the consequences. She doesn't particularly care what other people (even her friends) think of her but does like having them around. I know that she's not happy to do this, but I also know that she was definitely more unhappy in the marriage.

It's almost horrific, I feel for them both, quite a bit. And then I worry about SO and me. We're very different from my friends, and in some ways, very similar to them. I'd like to believe that I'm independent and 'own terms'y but I know I'm not completely like that. SO is traditional like my friend and has the same 'we will make it work' conviction. But sometimes I wonder, what if it's just not working? You can keep trying and it will keep being broken. Do you pretend otherwise and continue? Or do you stop and say, lets stop wasting our time and get on with our lives?

Life is short, regrets are long. Living in a mistake will be the longest regret ever. I known in my mind that what they've done is the right thing. But facing the death of a relationship is not easy. Even if it's not your own relationship.

Bring on the 'Laws!

So now I'm a married woman. Not like my daily life has changed, but my weekly life may have some minor modifications. Like I will need to call SO's parents or talk to them when he calls. I will need to attend functions in SO's family etc. Normal family stuff, but not normal unmarried stuff. After spending a week with SO's family and getting to know them, I'm not worried about that part any more. There was a time when I worried that I would not be able to be a good daughter-in-law cause I no longer have the 'will to adjust'. But turns out that not only do I have it, I'm quite willing to demonstrate it. I'm not sure how much that had to do with it being SO's family. I would do as much for any friend's family and any set of elders. I guess at the end of the day, I'm happy that I'm still the nice person that I used to be. The person that I thought had changed.

I have changed though, the insecurities I had about SO 3 years ago are not the insecurities I have now. There was a time when I was sure that he would find someone that he loved more and therefore, would leave me. That's not it anymore. He may find someone else that he loves me, and he may leave me... but strangely, it doesn't worry me as much as it did. Now instead, the worries are about living harmoniously with someone who's quite different.

What I find weirdest about my reactions are the remarkable anti-climax of getting married. It's like now all hope is out of the window and it's SO for life. Not like I don't want that, but when he really pisses me off, I can no longer think of the knight in shining armour who will sweep me off my feet and away from the insensitivity of SO. Don't get me wrong, I do want to be with SO for life... but see what I mean by the anti-climax? Nothing changes after marriage and the things that irritated me before, continue to irritate me. Likewise for him I'm sure. And since we've been together for so long, there's no 'newlywed glow' either. But hey, that's the down side of knowing someone well before you marry them. It's quite funny, SO and I were staying with his relatives and he showed little inclination to do stuff with me, i.e. go for walks with me or go out when I was going out etc. It's normal for him and after he did it a couple of times, I stopped getting seriously upset. But not so his mother. There was a time when my father-in-law was going to the nearest town and asked me to go along, to see it. I promptly agreed and asked SO, who said no. Then when it got time to leave, he was patiently putting his shoes on. Upon careful and subtle questioning, turns out his mother commanded that he comes along as well :) I was quite amused.

So now, being a vetran of marriage, I'm all ready to meet the in-laws in their multitudes knowing that I will not disgrace them, my parents, or myself.

Stuck with You

So I think I finally have an answer to why love marriages are better than arranged marriages. Cause you've only yourself to blame if you're 'stuck with someone you don't love or even like'. Every girl I know (and I mostly know Indian girls) has faced the 'marriage' question from the minute she finishes studying. Several of them have found their own men and married them, but those that have not got married till quite late or not at all... get the 'arranged' treatment. They're educated and independent and yet worlds of parental pressure put them in this situation.

The situation of meeting guys and contemplating spending the rest of their lives with them. I think I've mentioned this before, but one friend of mine refused to meet guys because turning them down after meeting them would make it personal, whereas refusing the arranged marriage route is a matter of principal. She has unfortunately succumbed to meeting guys... and is now turning them down - personally.

And these are the girls who have the luxury of meeting guys at their own convenience. So for one of these, you probably have about 20 that meet guys at their parents schedule. And after meeting about 20-30 guys, you probably figure 'hey, he's seems nice, no BO, can't be all bad what?'

It's not very different for guys. One man I know who's a nice guy, not a stunner but a really nice person went through this. In his late 20s his mother (father had passed away a few years earlier) convinced him that it was time. He looked and he looked and found that he couldn't have a sane conversation with majority of them. After a while, he found one that he could talk to for more than 5 minutes and agreed to marry her. The enormity of what he'd done struck him shortly after the engagement. Now they're married and are the kind of couple that snipe at each other. Given their social context, divorce is almost out of the question. The only upside is no children yet.

You sometimes see arranged marriages that work out wonderfully and love marriages that fail horribly. I sometimes look at SO and wonder if it would have been easier with a guy from a more similar social background. But then I figure, a lot of it is about making an effort. You need to make that effort whatever the lead up to the marriage was. But with the 'love' part of it, at least some bond already exists.

Stuck on you as opposed to stuck with you?

Well did you evah!

Of late I've been reading more and more blogs. Hopping from one blog I like to a blog that person likes etc. Typically people write about themselves and their lives. And typically, their love life forms an important part of the blog. Be it Mommy Blogs which go on about their families or single women blogs that go on about their social lives.

I've hinted at it here and there but just to put it out there... I'm getting married in a few weeks. To SO, a man I've known for 6 years now. A man who is very different from me and quite different from what I believed I wanted in a man. Even now... sometimes it makes little sense that we are together. We don't really like the same stuff. We like movies, but different kinds, we like food but different kinds etc. Our tastes are different and our thoughts are different.

In these 6 years there have been times when I didn't know what was going on anymore. Heck, in the last 1 year there have been times when I didn't know what was going on. And yet, I'm getting married in less than a month. To SO.

When I was a kid, my mother used to sing a rhyme to me 'There was a little girl, who had a little curl, right in the middle of her forehead. When she was good, she was very very good, but when she was bad, she was horrid.' Being a little girl with curly hair... I took it slightly to heart. But I was not horrid.

Sometimes I feel like SO and I are like that. When we're good, we're good. And when we're bad, I'm horrid. Sometimes the whole 'getting married' part freaks me out. I keep telling myself that it's actually exciting... but somehow. I guess a lot of it has to do with having a wedding in the 'form' that I really didn't want. I wanted to wear a simple saree, get a registered wedding and have lunch. I didn't want to do the 'bride' thing because I'm well past that point in my life.

Apparently weddings aren't about the bride and groom, they're about family. Sure, of course they are! But without the bride and groom, would you have a wedding I say? Would you? And doesn't it matter that the bride and groom are comfortable? Don't you want them to be smiling for joy and not out of compulsion?

I tell myself that it'll all be fine and that on that day I'll be the glowing bride without much trouble. I think it'll have a lot to do with how SO is around that time. I'm going to need a lot of support because I really do not want to do the religious thing. My relationship with God is quite special and has nothing to do with visiting temples or celebrating festivals. According to me, God has already witnessed my wedding with SO. This ceremony that we are putting on is for all the various people that want to attend something. So... I'm going to need SO looking at me going 'Yes, I know this is not what you want and I understand that you're being good about this.'

It's stupid and childish but apparently now I want brownie points for getting married like this! Kya Kool Hai Hum!

Right and ... Not Right

I'm not a very 'good' girl but somehow I find I'm very aware of my 'duty'. I don't do it most of the time but I'm definitely aware of it. At some level I may even say I have an exaggerated sense of duty. I know what my role as a daughter is. It's not to be subservient and obedient, but it is to be of support to my parents. I don't always do what they want but I try not to scare them too much. I try to make sure they don't worry about me too much and that they know they can call me whenever they need anything. I don't have a super-close, friends-friends, relationship, but I'm clear that they're my parents and I've a responsibility to them. After a bit of thought, I realise what I'm trying to say is that I see my filial duty is to do stuff to keep my parents happy while maintaining my identity.

And I'm ranting on because SO is refusing to visit his grand father, who just turned 80, because of ego. Maybe it's more than just ego. The visit involves spending the better part of the weekend travelling, by bus. I understand that it's uncomfortable and not something that you'd be jumping at. But it's something with low effort and high 'joy' potential. And I refuse to be an excuse.

Getting Lucky...

So this is one complicated post and if I get it all out in one shot, I'll be rather proud of myself. I've been reading the blog of a girl who's about 25. She's Indian and confesses to being sexually active. 25 is younger than me, but is it that much younger than me?

There was a time when I contemplated being sexually active, i.e. having sex with multiple partners and always thought that it woulnd't be an option for me. Body image issues. I've no idea what this girl looks like, but really that's not the point of this post. The point of this post is that she mentioned at some point, thinking of how long it's been since she 'got lucky'.

Thinking about it, 'getting lucky' is a term usually used by guys right? Cause they're the ones that get sex when they're lucky. Otherwise they get themselves... (digression, Pink has apparently sung a song called 'You and Your Hand'). The construct always has been that the guy has to work rather hard to get sex. Even when he's in a committed relationship with the girl. That is, committed but not married. The movies, books and stories revolve around how he as to woo her so that he can kiss her, any making out requires more effort and whether he will have sex or not, depends purely on the girl, and therefore on luck. Cause who knows what will make her say yes. Right? Even in India, typically guys don't expect sex from dates. At least, the ones I've met don't.

So... wouldn't it just ber her option? To go out, see if she meets a nice guy and 'hookup'? There was a brief window of singledom after I had experienced physical intimacy with a guy. I think part of the reason why 'they' make virginity an issue is cause once you start, you don't want to stop :) Sex and being intimate are very enjoyable if done right. You're young, hormones are raging, you're in good shape physically (again, a factor of being young, not fit) and you're in love or at least attracted. So in this period of no-guyness, I contemplated random hook-ups. Going out, getting slightly high, hitting on someone and taking them home. See, even typing that out now scares me and I'm not quite sure why.

Maybe it's cause I'm a snob and when I was going out (back then), I didn't have too much money to spend. So the people that I could hook-up with, wouldn't have been the people I would want to end up with. Maybe that's the key, I'm frighteningly romantic and a hook-up would have been much more in my fevered brain. Though I would rationally know that it was just about sex, I would have guilted myself and the other person into believing it was much more. Maybe it's good that I was poor back then :)

But even now, when I can afford several things, the idea of a hook-up is not very appealing. I know what it's like to be with someone. To be able to snuggle up to someone and be held. It's a rather yummy feeling in a way that has nothing to do with sex. Maybe my angst is that the real aim was intimacy and not sex. And that's not something that usually arises out of hook-ups.

So net result? At least I know that I've finally gotten lucky :) Poor SO, doesn't know fully what he's getting into.

Lybrel

So, someone's made a pill which makes periods go away. And if you didn't know I was a girl before this, you certainly know now.

Yes, periods can go away completely. Sometimes I think it's great, sometimes not so much. The conflict is mainly because these are parts that work in crazy ways. And as several articles say, I too have a love-hate relationship with menstruation. I hate it's arrival, but I'm always glad that it does. Means that everything inside is working... more or less. If I could have it go away and still get pregnant when I want? Is that such a bad thing? See, I have my bad days each month, and sometimes I'm not sure if it's me or not. If something could make sure that I don't have any bad days that are not 'me', wouldn't it be a good thing?

Then I read this "Menstruation brings wisdom, she adds, and doesn’t get the reverence its due in our fast-paced society." Wisdom??? What kind of 'wisdom' does one get? That one is forced to bear discomfort for the privilege of being able to bear children?

I once read one of those 'men's rules' things which said 'how can you trust something that bleeds for 5 days but doesn't die?' I kind of agree. Now I know the science of it all, I know that several female mammals go through an estrous cycle... but to the unaware, it's weird right? It bleeds for 'x' amount of time. Then why doesn't it die? How weird it must be? But no, it's not weird... it's wisdom inducing!

And frankly, society is fast-paced. You don't get a time out for being a woman. If you mention your 'female problems' for time off... it's more likely that the interesting work will go to your male colleagues. You may even get questions about whether it's 'that time of month'. After all the hard work women do to make sure that their professional lives are not subject to their periods, I think it's just nasty to say that we shouldn't have the option of turning them off.

There are several reasons why I may choose not to, but my menstruation giving me 'wisdom' is not one of them!

A Charmed Life... or Strike One

I'm still slightly new at my job. I enjoy it quite a bit now and had, about two months ago, suddenly come into a lot of power. In my giddiness about the power, I had begun a process, two months ago that I thought was correct. The process looped back to me early this week. I was still convinced it was correct. Yesterday, I asked some others a question and was met with a 'hell no!'

I'd used this process once before... in grave error it now appears. So far, that one has had no ill consequences... yet. I'm thinking that now I will be much more circumspect. But of the other instance, which was much more serious... when I found the error of my ways, I contacted the relevant people and got the relevant information. I was anticipating a tough fight and some serious back-pedalling on my part.

Magically though, it just went away. I'm thinking that this is because I've got three strikes. I see this as Strike 1. I had stuff like this at past jobs as well... three strikes or get out of jail free cards. After that, jail starts looking more and more probable. So here I am. Thanking my lucky stars and hoping that my remaining chances will be sparingly used.

The important things

So... as I'd said, the challenge of 2007 is navigating new relationships. Increasingly, when new relationships emerge, old ones are tested. When you are faced with a whole new family, you understand what your family actually is. What it means to you, and what you mean to it. You realise that all the times when you've been the 'good' girl pay off when it's time for family to rise to your occasion.

And I begin to wonder, what is really important? The ties we are born with, we grow up and into. The ties we choose to make, what does it take to keep those strong? In the old times when people didn't choose their own lifemates, the ties were pretty much like family. Some slightly distant family connection that you grow into. Maybe it's slightly more complicated in that girls grow up muted in any case. So it's not like they were very vocal in their parent's house and had to ensure that they weren't too vocal in their in-laws place. They faded into one background, and then into the next... till they had their own children. Super cynical what?

But stepping out of the sepia... in this day and age, what does it take? At what point do you stop saying 'your family' 'my family'? Can you ever? What role does each 'partner' play to make sure that it's a smooth move?

Women and Cliques

I'm guessing it's not a 'woman' thing but it always appears to be that way to me. It has always appeared to me that boys are more laissez faire about groups. You can belong if you want to, you don't have to subscribe to some code, and they don't try to exclude. With girls and subsequently women... it's always seemed a bit complicated.

If you don't start the clique, you can only become a member if the majority want you and the 'owner' isn't opposed to you. If the owner likes you, you're in and fully a part of it. They invite you to all their meetings and invite your opinion on a lot of stuff. If the owner doesn't like you, you're a fringe member. Does it matter? Probably not to anything but ego. Just that people you genuinely like may be a part of that clique and you'll never be more than a fringe member.

Maybe I'm just being hypersensitive :)

Equality in Tennis

When I was in school we once had a 'debate' on whether men and women were equal. Then, one of my classmates made the point that women only play 3 sets in Tennis and men play 5. Little surprise that when Wimbledon (amongst other tennis tournaments) has decided to make prize money equal for men and women, that this argument arises again.

What I'm not sure about is, are women uncapable of playing 5 sets? Is that it? Or is it just that in the good old days of tennis, when people did other stuff apart from playing tennis, stamina was lower. For instance, nowadays, sportspeople train every single day. So I think a woman tennis player would be able to play a 5 set match. Whether it would have the same power and intensity as a men's game is different.

There were also arguments about advertising revenue, men's matches bring in more. Another argument was that women players also play doubles and make more money but all these are specious in this day an age.

Interestingly, none of the women players offered to play a 5 set match... is this because they don't want to or because they don't think they need to? They play by the rules and entertain the audiences as thoroughly as the men do... you have to agree if you've seen the 'Steffi will you marry me' video.

More interestingly in the world of Golf, Annika Sorensen tried to play in the PGA as opposed to the LPGA and gave up. She actually admitted defeat. So does that mean that differential prize money in Golf is fine but not in Tennis?

Strangely, I'm wracking my brain to think of another game that men and women play where the women are as famous as the men... maybe like Badminton, Squash, Table Tennis etc... Help?

Amazingly PdO!

See, I joined blogger because I believed that it was free and fun. Rediff had blogs but they got boring and were linked to an email account... and now Google's doing the same!

Why on earth should I link my public, anonymous blog with my personal email account? No reason, so I created an anonymous account that I will probably never use. I believe Gmail doesn't have an account time out process, so what the heck.

But what I really wanted to blog about was that there are reports that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are fighting because Brad was looking at pictures online of Jennifer Anniston's new nose! That's just wrong on sooo many levels! I mean hello!!!

So who do you think made the most money out of that story? The 'friend' that broke the story? I certainly hope so.

Wow, so if I become famous, will someone release a story of how my dog got jealous because I was looking at pictures of the dog that I almost bought?

Would you believe two more things?

One is the official Indian Oscar entry... the other was human greed. Can they get less related? They're not supposed to be related either.

Human greed I encounter every so often, but I encounter with amazing regularity from auto drivers. I'm not sure what it is, whether they receive some sort of training or they size people up and decide that some of us deserve to pay more. Every so often I feel like reading them the 'it's my money!' lecture and it's usually cause they ask some exorbitant amount for a trip. Typically I protest and some of them try to brazen it out, and others actually act like they're being honest. Or maybe they think they are being honest. Recently I was told that the guy's meter didn't work and wasn't what he was asking reasonable? I was too shocked to reason it out so didn't even respond to his request for a counter offer. Then I thought about it and figured I should have told him to check his meter and tell me the reading. Then when we got to the destination, he should tell me the reading again. Xkm into Rs. 6 per km is what I should have paid him. I got another auto though, who used the meter and got me to my destination without any fighting. Took only correct money, which was only half what the first auto driver wanted. It's the second sort of auto driver, who is also quite plentiful, that restores my faith in humanity.

I call this human greed because there's an attitude going around these days which is 'so what if I didn't earn it, you can affod it'.

About Rang De Basanti. Sure, it was a good movie, but if you think about it, it was rather silly, no? I felt for all the characters, quite a bit, till they decided to kill the dude. At that point they lost me. It grew rapidly more fantastic and I lost interest. Lagaan on the other hand was brilliant. But that wasn't the point. The point was that in 2006 there were several other Hindi movies that were great. For instance, my personal choice for an Oscar entry is Omkara. It is an India that foreigners would believe. It is a simple movie, a short movie, with relevant songs and good performances.

Even Lage Raho Munnabhai would have been a good entry. I've not seen the movie, but nobody has anything bad to say about it... except that the first one was funnier. In which case, the first one should have been entered :) But seriously, another movie with good performances and a moral.

Heck, they might even have nominated Dor! Nagesh Kukunoor has been in India making movies for almost a decade. His movies aren't brilliant, but they're definitely stirring. Besides he has that certain something. An Indian who tried America and returned home to make movies about the 'real' India. Don't tell me the committee won't love that!

So there you go, two more things!

Two things

One is serious and one is funny... so I'll start with the funny.

The new Lenovo ad for the face recognition feature has Saif come home all bearded and matted hair. His wife refuses to recognise him, but his computer does. If that isn't strange enough, he has a beard and matted hair, but his chest is still hair free :)

The other thing is the Cisco v. Mac iPhone debate. Cisco owns the iPhone trademark now as it bought the company that registered it. Recently Apple announced the launch of its iPhone. Now there will be some legal wrangling. If we accept the facts at face value, Cisco wins, cause it already owns the mark. But Apple (who's being a bit childish about this by calling Cisco's suit 'silly') has a series of 'i' products. The iBook and the iMac are older than the iPhone. If this case isn't settled out of court, the arguments will be interesting. In 2000, would 'iPhone' automatically have been associated with Apple? If it would, did the company that registered it do so because they wanted to sell the mark to Apple at some time? Does it matter?

It's interesting to think what can be done now... say I register trademarks like 'iClock' and 'iView' and some years down the line Apple decides to sell watches and sunglasses. Can I charge them? Would it matter if I didn't sell any products using these marks?

I'm intrigued... I may ponder on this some more.

What was it?

Ah yes... Happy New Year!

Another year is done and another set of experiences have been collected. Did I learn much? I'm not sure. I changed jobs but kept the friends. I'm in the same house... but will change it one way or the other. 2006 was... a year I guess. It wasn't as exciting as 2005, when I came back from studying and got a new job that I was excited about and when I met new people and made a lot of new friends.

The main highlights of 2006 for me are the various sometimes vicious fights I had with SO. In the five and something years that we've been together, I've fought with him a lot but something about the last few months was more horrible. I'm not sure what it is, maybe it's the distance. 2007 promises that the distance will end and hopefully that'll make all the trauma go away. Hopefully.

What is it with relationships? Maybe it's an Indian thing about 'nibhao'fying relationships. Living up to all the duties that each relationship entails. Friendships are easy that way, you decide what the duties are. Family ties are much more difficult. Finding a fine balance between what you want to do and what you need to do, unless you actually want to do what you need to. And then there's the family you choose. So do you decide what the duties there are? Or do you transplant the duties from your blood family and hope that the new one expects the same? Less is great, more... requires girding of the loins I guess.

I think that's what 2007 will be about for me. Charting and mapping new relationships and understanding what I need to do with them.

Blood and Relatives

I figure the closer they are, the more likely they are to make your blood boil. My parents were over today, with my brother who lives in the States. Something about seeing me and all the relatives/family friends in this area. It was going ok till my mother said something which set my blood steaming.

Over the years I've realised that I get intensely angry very fast but very few things get me that angry. My family though can set me off like a shot. SO is another one and with him the outcome is usually thorough as well.

So there we were, sitting in my flat and I brought up the removal of a piece of woodwork which my parents had installed when they bought this flat. They really like it and probably feel sentimental about it. All fine, but I live here now and the more I look at it, the less I want it. I just want a normal wall there, that I can paint any colour I want and hang stuff on etc. So again I brought it up and my mother's suggested that I remove the stuff that's inside it to see if I can really do without it. If I can, apparently 'it's a matter of a day's work to remove that and give me a wall'. Give me a wall???

I've been a hanger on, I agree. I've not appeared financially responsible and a lot of stuff like that but I'm getting much better at it. I find the more I discuss finances with my mother, the more it seems like I can't manage by myself. The sad thing is, this is their flat. I don't feel like making a change without their approval but when they say stuff like this, I just want to move. Right now I'm so angry that I'm planning to move out after I get married. Just leave this place to them and find a place that I can do almost what I want with.

Parents and children... they're completely unwilling to accept that we can move on with our lives, even move on without them. Sometimes I think that would be easier, but I know that I owe them a hell of a lot. I wish they wouldn't see it as buying a right to my life though...

I wish there was an easier way.

Tongue Tied

I suddenly realised that visitors make my shy :) Please don't go away people, but I hope that nobody expects much from me.

I was just talking to a friend (it's his birthday) and the conversation went around to the new Titan Fastrack watch ad. It involves a collection of watches (CW) in a circle being approached by a solitary watch (SW). SW in a masculine voice says numerous x's. CW in a shrill female voice says 'y' (or my friend would have me believe 'why'). I always thought this ad related to procreation and CW was insisting only on a Y chromosome. My friend on the other hand, believes that the numerous 'xs' utterred are supposed to be 'sex' and CW is actually asking why. It's plausible... but I'm not convinced. It may be that both of us are reading way too much into the ad, but I prefer to see it as a sexist ad that makes little sense. Surely there are easier ways to convey that Titan has new watches for men and women? Maybe it's the same ad agency that came up with 'From 9 to 5 I'm not your fairer or weaker sex', probably believing that it as liberal.

Feminism

It's interesting how many feathers this word ruffles. Some people get angry at being called feminist, some love it, some... don't care either way. My education gave me a lot of exposure to feminism. In my college, it was fashionable, it was elite and it was sometimes rabid. I for one, found the theory somewhat interesting, but overwhelming. I found the rabidity... silly. The excessively rabid feminists are the ones who say all men are... well not fit to live basically. For fun I've said stuff like that myself. But then what makes us different from guys who talk about women being chained to the kitchen?

Of the various guys I know, their attitudes towards women in general is different from their attitude towards a particular woman. Depending on who that woman is, the sensitivity is different. I've often been called 'one of the guys' and participated in many a risque conversation. Actually participated, without getting offended.

My friends may well be 'guy' guys when there are no girls around and by this I mean they may talk about women as being meant to stay at home, in the kitchen or not able to change light bulbs or punctures or whatever. But they're good people. Who interact with other people without taking their gender into account.

I guess that's what it is all about to me. I refuse to be judged based on my gender.

The Satisfied Mobius Strip!

Your movie star name: Chips Rajagopal Your fashion designer name is Aarathi Brussels Your socialite name is Baby Bombay Your fly girl / guy name is A Che Your detective name is Horse Sophia Your barfly name is Biscuits Rusty Nail Your soap opera name is Raman Your rock star name is Dark Chocolate Thought Your Star Wars name is Aarleo Cheana Your punk rock band name is The Satisfied Mobius Strip

The Amazing Meganame Generator

Abhiwarya? or Aishekh?

I just found out the Rediff has decided to dub the Aishwariya Rai - Abhishekh Bachchan 'relationship' Abhiwarya, along the lines of TomKat and Brangelina. I didn't think they were actually seeing each other. Not that I really care at all, just that I don't much like Aishwarya Rai. Don't think she's much of an actor. Still everybody deserves someone right?

Abhishekh Bachchan? I thought he was really cute. Loved his interviews with Simi Garewal, seemed like a fun guy. Thought he deserved better than Aishwarya. Thought Rani Mukherjee was a good choice. They actually shared quite a bit of chemistry in Bunty or Babli. So... that was it I thought. He makes movies with Aishwarya, he does poojas with Aishwarya... so what? They want to get married... so what?

Then I find that there's more. Like a family negotiation for a year almost. Both families have agreed, reports say. But this new movie Dhoom2, in which Aishwarya kisses Hrithik and wears skimpy clothes has upset the Bachchan clan. Abhishekh didn't like the kiss and his family didn't like the clothes. But he goes around kissing women all the time no? One can imagine his mother asking him, 'Uska image bilkul theekh tha, phir yeh sab karne ki kya zaroorat thi? Sab jante hai ki woh achchi dikhti hai to phir ye chote chote kapde kyun pehna usne?' I mean!

I thought it would be easy to be born into a family like that. Sure there's paparazzi but surely the're liberal right? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe they're a traditional Indian family that insist on Bahus being Bahus. They may be excited and excitable young ladies, but after marriage, they take care of the house and children. So what if they are talented and capable in their own right? So what if they have dreams and ambitions?

And then there's Abhishekh. Is it ok for him to have his fiance give up things which are important to her so that she can 'fit in' to his family? Would he draw the line somewhere? What if his wife (whoever she is) wants to continue working when she has children? Would he say it's her choice, I'll stay home with the children? Maybe he's so well brought up that the ambitious girls stay away from him, knowing that when it comes to a choice like this, they will lose.

I know I wouldn't take it. Even if my most favourite hero professed his undying love for me. I guess I'm quite glad that I'm born to a life where I can choose a partner without fear or favour.

And as for Abhiwarya... I prefer IceShake!

A New Voice

I went quiet some time ago mainly because I was leaving a job and office... and moving to a new one. It was quite hard, given that at my old job I did a lot of stuff pretty much by myself and had to properly hand it all over... and that I really liked the team there. The handover wasn't 100% smooth, but it was not bad I believe. There was one issue that came up about two weeks ago that had me a bit worried, but it wasn't a failure to perform a task, it was a failure to record performance. As crucial, but less traumatic.

Then came moving to a new organisation, learning about the organisation, fitting in... it took some time. From not knowing anybody to actually having a lunch group, it's been interesting. These are fun people as well... just that I've to get to know them :)

I met one of my old colleagues last weekend. He was a colleague at my first job, then a friend, then a colleague again, and now just a friend. At some ways, in the job I just left, I felt he was one of my hurdles. He was smart and hard working and all that, but so was I. And he was in my path upwards, and unlikely to move out of there. I guess when I was recruited, I thought my role was important. Soon I learnt that it wasn't that important so wanted to do something that really contributed to the company. I started doing that but it was rather boring... and to get the interesting work, I'd have had to fight quite hard. And there was a hell of a commute to and from work.

My friend would be traumatised to hear that I think he was a hurdle, but maybe he knows. He joined that organisation about two years before me, and naturally had precedence. He was also naturally, doing better than me in terms of salary and position. But I felt at points that there was no room at his level. At points when I felt comfortable with my own abilities, my own skills and believed I could handle what he was handling, I knew that would never happen. Was it because of him, no. What happened to me was that I was in a grey zone. I felt I was as competent, but I was and would always have remained his junior. That as not something I was comfortable with and given all the other factors, it was pushing me out of there.

Maybe my point here is that in some senses, he was competition. Not just competition, but a rival who had a 2 year headstart. Honestly, when I joined I was happy to be his junior and go to him for responses, but eventually I outgrew that and my boss wasn't as useful or helpful. My friend was helpful, but very busy and... well I was as good wasn't I? Yet he was doing high profile work and I wasn't. He had his favourites and I was... on the fringes. He liked me, he liked my work, but I guess the grey zone worked for him as well. I was not a proper junior cause I had almost as much experience as him and I wasn't on-par cause I wasn't very old in the organisation.

His favourite though, was whom I've previously described as the 'hardest worker'. I think that was also an attitude she'd inherited from my friend. Paranoia in all its forms. Jealousy as well. As I said before, I'm happy to do my work and proceed with my life, without worrying about what other people are doing. I think it's a waste of energy to want to work harder than anybody else, I also know that I'm not capable of working more than a reasonable amount. At crunch times I'll work long hours, but it's not something I can or want to do every day. The 'hardest worker' types absolutely have to kill themselves working. It's either training or pure paranoia that somebody will overtake them.

I had this absolutely amazing conversation with a friend of mine recently. Friend from college who's single now and working very hard... and doing the same kind of work or at least willing to talk about it. I'd told my really close friends that I was afraid I was leaving my job because I've made mistakes. She asked if it was 'routine' mistakes and honestly I didn't know. I met her recently and discussed all of this. Turns out it's all the same and some of us obsess about it. Everybody makes mistakes, some of us take it personally. Some of us tell the world about our mistakes and feel terrible about the fixing process. Some of us believe that nobody else makes mistakes because we never hear them talk of it. And when I say mistakes, I mean things we consider hugely serious, but which are actually routine.

Her experience was very akin to mine. Making a major error and not knowing why you made the error. Losing confidence in your abilities for a while and then picking up the pieces. Knowing that we have to go on by ourselves because our bosses don't want to hear that they've to supervise us. And we do, we carry on but are always afraid of the next mistake. When I found out that it's not just me, I realised that looking over my shoulder is counter productive. I'm sure I'll make mistakes, but I've to trust myself. Mistakes might not even be errors of judgement, cause almost every boss I've had would overlook an error of judgement but not carelessness.

Wow! I just realised that I've always considered myself careless. When I was a child, I probably was. I made careless mistakes in maths tests, I lost stuff... Now, I still wouldn't call myself careful. Food for thought!

Skull Crusher Busty Bertha??

Your Pirate Name Is...

Skull Crusher Busty Bertha

What's Your Pirate Name?

Did it a few times and got different answers but the first one was ... appropriate :) Most of my male friends through my late teens and early twenties found me remarkably intimidating. I've chilled out rather a lot and now don't crush skulls that easily... but have gained a lot of weight so other parts of the name are appropriate :)

Blogthings is a wonderful way to waste time without thinking that you're wasting time. Maybe more later.