Zindagi In Short

 I needed a place to write stuff, and remembered that I have had a place, for years! Thank you, place!

I watched part of an anthology on Netflix, called Zindagi in Short. They are mostly 'women-centric' short films, and I am irritated. The one that has irritated me the most so far, is one about a women who is married, in a sexually-abusive relationship, and is taken advantage of by another man. They show the second part as being romantic, fulfilling and 'good', but she says no, she fights back, and he 'overcomes her struggles'. This is still rape. There was no enthusiastic consent the first time, and therefore, it is rape. 

This got me thinking about these kinds of films, this is the male gaze, what men expect when they think of women and sex. How they think consent works. I am not saying women don't think like this, several do, which is also problematic. Some women think this is consent, but it is not. It is an idea sold to them by media in all forms, especially 'romantic' movies and books. The bullshit notion that somebody else knows what you want and need, and will give it to you, whether you want it or not.

The other 2 stories that I have watched are similarly superficial, so I'm not thrilled with this anthology. What I did note though, is that 2 out of the 3 I have seen, speak to the loneliness of this stage in a woman's life. Children grown, husband busy. What is the woman to do? 

I am in my middle-age now. I can see half my life ahead of me, I have a lot to look forward to, but what I can also see is the time when I will not be actively needed for what I am today. Though, because I can see it, I have plans for it. These women did not. I am not blaming them, they are characters in a story, and their writers did not. What did the women around me do? Find stuff to get involved in, build and manage their social circle, even if it is mainly each other. Support each other through menopause and getting to actual old-age. While those around me were related to each other, maybe I will be able to do this with my friends? For my friends?

Recovered!

 I forgot what my password was. I thought I had lost this blog, and my space to be me publicly, forever. Then suddenly one night, I remembered the password. I remembered how I created the password and why, and here I am.

It's been 3 years since I last posted and in this time, I have been journalling in real time. In some ways, that is better, but in some ways much worse. Why worse? Because the journal is sitting around for someone else to read. Someone about whom I had written terrible things, based on how I was feeling a particular day. Could they read this blog? Sure, but one doesn't know it exists, and the other has probably forgotten.

I remembered the password, then I didn't log in for a while. Today, I was typing something into a browser, starting with 's' and my blog name popped up. So I gave it a shot. And I've recovered my space!

Football Fever

I love football as a sport, it requires extreme athleticism and extreme teamwork. At present though, I am feeling like a football.

In some ways, a football has only one job, to get passed from foot to foot (or occasionally hand) for about 100 minutes per game. I am currently being passed from foot to foot, while being expected to continue performing my daily tasks, at the same level of efficiency and quality as always.

I am slightly surprised by how much this has thrown me. Let's try to unpack.

On Thursday, 20th September, 2018, my boss announced that I was being moved to a different team. There was no news on who I'd be moving to, or what I would do in this new team. I made some assumptions, and was slightly angry that my input was not sought in this process. I understood, but I was not happy. The move was announced on Friday 21st September, 2018, with some more announcements about which team I would go to and who I'd be reporting to. Some comfort there, it seemed like a vote in favour of my capabilities. There were some grey areas/gaps, but I was comfortable that I was being taken care of.

On Monday, 24th September, 2018, I realised that I saw things a little differently than the reality, and thought that with my current boss's support, we can get there. I tried to get to speak to my current boss, but was fobbed off to a later date. I was disconcerted, but carried on with some activities related to the move. All the activities seemed like they made sense, had good feedback, and I asked again, to speak to my boss regarding the activities. I was given a hearing on 28th September, 2018 (which went very well with regard to the activities) and informed that, once again, I would be changing managers. Again, I understand, but am now seriously disturbed.

Why am I disturbed? I have a list, which we may work through:

1. I have a very full plate;
2. I need time to process change, and I'm having changes flung at me, without any space to process them;
3. I do not know whether my new manager will be as receptive to my need for flexibility and my style of operations as my old manager (not interim manager, who knows nothing about this) will be, which makes me afraid for my role in the organisation;
4. I do not know what is expected of me;
5. I feel seriously disrespected, in that my inputs were not sought, not once, but twice, and there is an underlying assumption that I will be fine with it.
6. I work best when I feel appreciated. I can be underpaid and overworked and I will still deliver, as long as I know that my work is appreciated. All of this leaves me feeling that my work is not appreciated, or that I'm being taken advantage of.
7. When I feel unappreciated, or taken advantage of, I lose motivation to work. Because my primary motivation is to be told I'm doing a good job.

I feel like a tightly wound spring, and I need to uncoil because I'm not able to cope with my son, a child, who will one day have to learn to cope with this stuff himself. Why?

It feels like the answer is that my coping mechanisms are as follows:

1. Withdraw into myself;
2. Identify the source of the discomfort;
3. Evaluate measures to deal with said discomfort;
4. Deploy measures to deal;

This takes time and space, which I lack during the work week, because - life. SO has been incredibly supportive this weekend, allowing me the time and space I need to make my peace with my life at present.

I'm now at Stage 3 - evaluate measures to deal. The measures that I'm adopting are:

1. Remember that there's a team looking to me for direction on how to react. If I react poorly, they will react poorly;
2. Remember that I do not need this job. It is a job, and it is work, I have set my life up in a way that means I can quit the job, and not find myself flat on my face;
3. I want to be professional enough to complete all tasks well, because that's the standard I hold myself to, irrespective of what the organisation expects of me;
4. I need to prepare talking points to highlight my discomfort to the organisation, so that the next time they embark down this path, they do not treat someone like me, the way they have treated me.

In short, at present, I have the upper hand and moral high ground. I can take the high road, because that's who I am, but I must also call out what I perceive as disrespect, so that the organisation is also held to a higher standard.

As always, thank you blog, for listening!

Of Jobs and Work

One thing I prided myself on, was not needing to worry about money. In my working life so far, money had come to me when I needed it, and usually as much, or more than I needed. I have had managers who were appreciative of my efforts and skills, and were communicative of it.

I now find myself in a situation where money is becoming a bit of a challenge, as I need to plan for education for my child, and potentially other living arrangements. I also have a manager who claims to be appreciative of my efforts and skills, but appreciation does not extend to financial incentives. My organization recently underwent a salary revision, ostensibly company-wide, but I was not considered. Not because I was not eligible, but because my boss did not think I needed one. When I questioned this, she seemed to suggest that I am not doing enough.

That has cut me to the quick. After the hurt subsided, I am now dealing with the anger, and the accompanying lack of motivation. I genuinely believe I have gone above and beyond, working at every available opportunity, sometimes on weekends. By nature, I do not complain, and until now, I have not had to ask for a raise or a promotion because it seemed obvious that I deserved one.

According to SO, the challenge might be in my boss's attitude as much as it is in my lack of outward communication of what I do. This may be accurate as well, but it is outside my control, so, is it worth considering?

The reason I need to blog about this, where I tend not to blog about work, is because I remain very angry. So angry, that I'm not interested in doing any of the work that I have accepted already. I am, similarly, not inclined to take on new work. I know this about myself, I thrive with recognition, even if it is not public recognition. I need my boss/manager to pat me on the head and say I've been a good girl. I am now old enough to stop with this attitude.

I need to grow up in this area and decide whether I'm going to do the work to a level satisfactory to me, and have it out with my boss, or I'm going to have it out with my boss about how this has impacted me, and that I'm not sure that I can continue working even to the level that I have so far.

I need to be clear and practical about what I can realistically manage. To be pragmatic about the demands I am placing on myself, and how sustainable they are. And then communicate this to my boss transparently. If this means my ratings suffer, or that I am not considered for future promotions/hikes, so be it. Because to me, it will mean that I'm putting my health and family first.

Just to be clear, what I have done in the past year, definitely since June 2017, is to put this job first. I've relocated my son (granted, he is happier), relocated my family, and worked at every available opportunity on week days. I count socializing with work colleagues as working, because it is not 100% socializing, it involves building a culture and sharing experiences and guidance.

Can I say with objectivity, that my boss has been unfair? I don't know, because I cannot see anybody else's experience. I cannot force her to share information about anybody else, nor do I want her to. I realise my fundamental mistake is in not realising (a) that she doesn't have any benchmarks to evaluate whether I get paid appropriately for the market here; and (b) I don't know what kind of communication she expects about what I do.

Doing work... this one I have to figure out. I cannot compromise my health and sanity, and I need to understand whether this team values my intellectual pursuits at all or not. If they do, then I'm ready to continue contributing them. If not, I'm willing to do that work for me, and not share with the team. Will that change my visible contribution of work? Probably not, but it will make things much more bearable for me. To constantly feel I am not doing enough is not working for me.

What can I do about it? Earlier this year, I spoke to my boss about going back to part-time. That worked for her and for me (though I needed more money). If I can go back to part-time with the current expense model, which will force more saving and less guilt/more rest, I should be better. Why does the less guilt/more rest matter? Because when I'm tired or sad, I eat. And this 'eating' involves ordering food, which is not cheap. It's a vicious cycle, but one that I know I can nip in the bud, if I'm smart about how I manage. I need to speak to SO about this, because it will impact our financial situation, but at this point, it's probably best for all of us. If I officially work only 6 hours a day, then I have time to cook/exercise during the day. It makes me less on edge around the child, as I don't have more tasks to complete when he's around. It also means I can relax a little regarding evening calls, so will be more relaxed when he goes to sleep.

Is this the 'fair' outcome? I don't think so, but I'm willing to put off fairness for now, focussing instead on what is best for my family and I, and how we can get through the next year, when the child will be old enough for school, so another new set of parameters will need to be adjusted to.

Thank you for listening, dear blog! I'm glad I'll always have you!

Letting Go

I need to free myself of expectations that I appear to have of SO. I keep telling myself that the expectations are based on commitments he made, but that doesn't change reality. The reality is that he doesn't live up to those expectations. This means that I'm constantly irritated that he's not doing what he said he'd do. Which doesn't help with my peace of mind.

What I need to do, is to let go of these expectations, and cope with life as it is. Not as it was supposed to be. It's not easy, but it's necessary. What it is, is that on weekdays I should be prepared to be a single parent. If he works late hours, then he's not going to be available in the morning either. If I want to find time for exercise, I've to do it while at work. If that means I miss team lunches on 2 days, that's what I need to do. I'll pick that thought up a little later.

I need to plan meals and cooking around the time I have available, probably mornings and afternoons, planning to cook once in 3 days so there is relatively fresh food. There is the option of alternating rice and rotis. Planning meals will need to happen by Friday evening, so shopping can be meaningful. Meals are breakfast, snack and dinner, 5 days a week and breakfast, lunch, snack and dinner for the remaining 2. Snack can be fruit on several days, but some alternatives need to be available, like pancakes/bread and cheese... look for other options. Breakfast also needs a few more options to be generated.

Exercise. This needs to become a priority. When/how. Needs a little more thought.

Relationship: This one is now on the back-burner. I need no expectations here, I cannot have any of SO.

You Noticed?!

Well, I'm back, mainly because I have things I need to process or just get out of my system.

I'm now the mother of this adorable little boy. He's 21 months old, and he's my favouritest person ever. I want to believe that all children are like him, maybe they are, maybe they aren't. But he's awesome! He's really easy to love.

What else is he? A lot of work. So much work that I'm slacking off because I'm mentally tired. This post is mainly to kick my own ass into gear and keep chugging along, because I owe it to this little, awesome human, to keep things going well for him.

I am tired, this is a fact. I work full time now, this is also a fact. Mental tiredness is hard for me to cope with. This is also true. Before the child, I used to cope with mental tiredness with a lot of rest. Downtime, if you will. I had that option then. Now I don't. Which means, I need to find new ways to recharge, that don't take time.

What works for me:

1. Feeling useful;
2. Doing something new/exciting/cutting edge;
3. Talking to people;

Why I'm having a hard time right now:

1. With the baby, he rarely gives me the sense that I'm useful. He loves me, but he doesn't really 'listen', so my inputs are best received when I'm doing what he wants.
2. Work is mainly the same thing again and again. When it is not, it is pulling together information for other people to use. I like learning things for myself. Selfish!
3. The people I mostly get to talk to are not recharging. Why? Because the topics of conversation are not recharging. They're not new or exciting, rather they focus on the negative, or on what the person has already decided, and end up draining me more.
4. Lack of rest..

What I find really odd, is that if it's just me and the baby, I'm fine to keep going, I feel much less irritated. When SO's in the mix, I get angry. Because I keep feeling like he should be doing more. Should he? Maybe. Can he? Probably not.

What do I need to do? Let go of the fact that he does not do more, learn to cope, plan, and execute. And I suppose, blog again.

A Fine Balance

It has been a long time, and the key update is that I am pregnant, and hopefully this pregnancy will turn into a healthy baby. I'm only 11 weeks pregnant, which is why there is still a doubt.

The reason I am posting though, is because of more stuff that I have had to come to terms with in the relationship, and an internal conflict that I could not articulate till just now.

I have written in the past, about how complicated things become when my in-laws visit. I have dealt with that situation by taking myself out of it. I told myself that they are here only for days, or at most weeks, if she wants to take over the kitchen for that length of time, why does it matter? Similarly with other housekeeping decisions. I feel reasonably proprietary about my home, I don't like it criticized, I don't like others taking steps to clean it, because to me it suggests that it is not well kept. I tamp down reactions when my mother-in-law takes steps, because I don't believe she's seeing it as criticism, just as cleaning.

One area that irked me greatly is the cooking that happens for SO when they visit. What specifically irked me is that SO would repeatedly say he is not a breakfast person, but when she's visiting, or when we are visiting her, every meal would be consumed with gusto. If he is not a breakfast person, why should it matter if there there is breakfast, right? Which brings me to now.

SO has started working again and this new job takes more of his time and energy than he can really afford. He'll work it out at some point, but it meant that for many days, he would not eat lunch. Initially, he would eat cornflakes for breakfast and, as I later learnt, not eat anything till dinner. The one fine day, he found that cornflakes didn't work for him, so he stopped eating breakfast. Which meant that occasionally, there are days when his only meal was dinner. It irritated me, because he is an adult right? Just like me? If I am responsible for my own meals, why can't he be? I agreed to take care of dinner because we now have only one income, and we need to save as much on frivolous expenses as possible.

The added wrinkle is that our tastes are very different, and I often feel that the effort I put into cooking is appreciated. This is my fault, because I'm not fond of cooking, or rather, I'm not fond of cooking food which is high in spice and oil, which appears to be the only way SO likes to eat. I did some work on this for myself, have decided that I have to cook and eat healthy for me and the baby. SO also gets to eat, because there is food. He does not have to relish it, in fact, he doesn't even have to eat it. But it will be available for him. To his credit, he usually eats it.

Fairly recently, I have also taken responsibility for breakfast for him. It irritated me no end to do so, and the conflict, which I have only just been able to articulate is that I feel like he is not being an adult. He refuses to take care of himself, his health and body. I belittled this in my own mind, saying that he just needs to be 'mothered'. This is true, he does like this, it makes him feel cared for. I will continue to work on this, because I don't believe that it makes for a healthy adult, if they cannot take care of themselves, but in the interim, I also came to the conclusion that if he won't do it, for the sake of 'us' and now the potential baby, I have to do it for him either till he decides to do it for himself, or till his mother visits.

What I need to be mindful of though, is that if we do have a child, the child learns that making them happy independent individuals is my only job as a parent. Pampering them is a perk, something I might do on a whim, but they need to learn to take complete care of themselves. Even if their parents do not always do the same.