Spicy Chai

2012

2012-01-24T20:27:00.001-08:00

I was chatting online and was asked if I believed the world was going to end in 2012. I'm not sure, but if it is going to end, I'd like more notice please? To find out in November that the world is actually going to end is not enough. Could I have a few more months notice? Like 6-8?

What would I do though... very difficult question. Why? Because I think I'd go completely selfish. I'd stop working, take out all my savings, divorce SO and travel the world. I might be more healthy as a result of the travel and maybe I'll attract more attention, maybe from a hot Spaniard...

What do I have to look forward to for 2012? Maybe a baby, a relationship that is... well, is, I guess. We're friends, we hug and sometimes kiss every day, the affection is warm, but no passion. In short, no sex. No sex in 2012 yet and since I've decided not to push it... maybe no sex at all?

What is Wrong with Me?

2011-12-30T02:06:00.000-08:00

I want to shout at SO, tell him to leave me, because it feels like he does not want me. That he's being a dog in the manger... he's not going to treat me like I deserve, and he's not letting me go either.

But clearly this is a projection of my thoughts. I want him to leave me, because I am not strong enough to leave him. I am able to say this... that I am not strong enough, but what does it mean? What am I not able to cope with?

Earlier, even earlier this year, there was a profound sadness at even the thought of leaving him. Like there was a part of me in him, that losing that part was not an option. Now it seems like it's just the societal pressures, the pressures of the families, the explanations to the world at large. In a few months, maybe that won't matter any more either.

Do I blame him? Can I blame him? I'd like to blame him... I'd love to say that he's not listening to me, he's not willing to do stuff that he clearly can do. Maybe that's true, maybe it's not.

One of the rules of living successfully, is that you stop depending on others for your emotional well-being. If I can understand my parents and forgive them, then I can also understand the SO and forgive him. I can understand that he is incapable of giving me the kind of affection that I am looking for. It seems currently, that he may not even be able to give me the kind of companionship that I am looking for. Which doesn't mean that I have to look to others for companionship, just that I have to look to myself. That I have to continue doing things that I enjoy, that I find fulfilling. And let him look after himself and his part in this relationship. I cannot do more.

Do I love him? Do I respect him? Do I trust him? I do respect him, he is a good man. I trust him to continue to be a good man, and do the right thing for himself and his family. At present, I'm afraid I don't love him. At times, I think I hate him, but I know that's too strong a categorization of what I feel. I hate how he makes me feel, helpless and stupid. I hate begging for his attention and affection. I hate feeling at the mercy of someone else, and all of these are within my control. All things that I can stop.

I don't want to cheat on him, I don't yet want to leave him. Given this potential situation with a child, maybe it will all become better when the child arrives. Maybe it won't. I think he'll be a good father. Probably a better parent than a husband, and maybe I'll be a better parent than a wife. I'm trying to resign myself to a future without the glories of love. I don't want to, but if we have the child, then that will have to be it.

I'm a mess about this... let's see what 2012 is like.

...

2011-11-10T05:40:00.000-08:00

So much to say and so little to say.

So far, we are all progressing on the assumption that it will end the way we planned. The baby will be born and s/he will come home with us. Yesterday though, I discovered how hard this is for my friend.

Her parents are against the idea, and her in-laws, who seemed supportive, are also against it. So much that they are actively trying to change her mind. She is... conflicted and really doesn't need this additional stress. Could they bring up a second child? Sure! Do they want to? Not really. Can they be bullied into it? Probably.

I want to help her, I want her to feel free to change her mind if it means that all the relationships that she has to manage will be more harmonious. I want her to be happy, but I also want the baby that I've begun thinking of as my child.

It makes it slightly hard for me to be completely supportive and sympathetic to her, but I know I have to be. I know I have to tell her again, formally, that she should feel free to change her mind if she feels like. That I know that she will not do so lightly, but that she must not feel that she owes us anything and the only thing we care about is what is best for the child.

It's been slowly poisoning me, but SO's been great about it and reading it now, it makes sense. Focus on doing what is right for the child, and give her the freedom to do what she needs to without guilt.

I'm going to be a Mother!

2011-11-03T23:40:00.000-07:00

We decided (3 weeks ago) that we would take my friend up on her offer. My baby is now 10 weeks old. S/he will be born in end-May or early June.

A Very Special Day

2011-10-10T05:17:00.001-07:00

The weekend was quite crap. I was terribly upset with SO who seems to register this but doesn't seem to know what to do about this. So... it wasn't a fun/easy weekend, me on the edge, him trying to keep me from crying and not succeeding for the most part.

Today, I had planned to work and then go meet a school friend, who's changed rather dramatically since I last knew her. But I got a call from another school friend this morning. I met her, her husband and their 2 year old on Saturday. She called to tell me that she's expecting their second child.

For a few minutes, I could not understand why she would call to tell me this, till she went on to say that they don't want a second child, they're strongly considering termination but if we want the child, they will give the child to us. When she said this, I knew I was not going to be working today.

I told SO and he's actually quite excited. I don't think he understands what is involved, but he's excited. All set to tell his parents so they can prepare the broader family. We're basically adopting, and he's quite happy with that.

The day has been... insane I think. I went to bed, I got up and ate lunch, I cried and cried, I read some stuff online, I'm writing this post. I wanted to write it for a number of reasons.

The main reason is that I wanted to record my friend's offer. She trusts us enough to offer to carry a child to term, so we can have a baby, she trusts us enough to bring up their child. I'm extremely touched. Thank you!

I'm also conflicted as hell, and like with several other major decisions in my life, I'm looking for a sign from God that this is for me, it would be fun if there was actually a sign :)

Incidental Lucidity

2011-10-04T20:27:00.000-07:00

I'm still navigating through my own minefields, trying not to create craters or trip wires, and trying hard not to pre-judge where SO and I will end up. This morning, I was attacked by a deep sadness. I was struck by this sadness because my past has always led me to believe that there will be a reward for me in this life time.

When I say 'my past' it's a situation of child sexual abuse that I had to cope with all by myself. When I was coping, I believed that my reward would be a loving, stable romantic relationship. Now that I'm 10 years in my romantic relationship and it seems like it will not help me fulfill parts of my dreams for myself, I guess I feel profoundly let down.

That's not to say I blame the relationship or SO for this. My marriage will be with SO and I can make of it, and if we can't make much of it, that's all on us. What I'm now grappling with is the death of a separate hope. The hope that getting myself through some pretty dark times would be rewarded in this life time.

I guess we all believe what we need to, to get us to where we need to go. The question is, was it all worth it. I'm pretty damned sure that I'll make it all worth while. I've not fought to get to this stage of myself without making something of my life that I will be happy with. I may never write a book or inspire great deeds in others, but I'm not giving up on myself. Whether or not others give me what I feel I deserve, I will give it to myself.

Time Goes By...

2011-10-03T23:28:00.000-07:00

Didn't realise it had been 2 months! Have these months been specifically busy? Probably not, but they have been confusing. I'm going to be quite chaotic, once again lulled into a sense of security by the lack of readership.

One: Pepper is the greatest spice in the world! Pepper cures throat problems for me, without any need for medication. I add pepper to milk, food, honey and warm water and I'm almost miraculously cured.

Two: My life is in a whirl. I don't know why or for how long but things are slightly messed up. It began in August when I found myself getting depressed for not very good reasons, picking fights with SO, not wanting to work, etc. It didn't get better through September and I'm probably going to look for a counsellor. I have though (as of a few days ago) decided to chill a bit. To stop looking for instant answers and to stop trying to rush through life aiming to achieve goals that may not be for me.

In this year so far, I've taken several steps forward personally, I have a few more to take, but I'm more 'put together' in appearance than I was last year. I'm healthier and more content in my own skin. Just not in my own mind.

It is likely that making these steps (which I had earlier thought were impossible) has led me to think that I can achieve anything (including getting pregnant) or basically, to push for having children. A rather ironic mission given that SO is rather adamant that he wants none. This on the eve of turning 35, is more stress than I have known how to cope with. There was also some work stress, but the combination was killing me.

I found myself turning excessively self destructive, willing to damage a relationship that I've built over time, willing to damage my professional life, just so I could crawl into a hole and hide. I'm coping by avoiding difficult decisions/conversations, or postponing them and then taking what appears to be a reasoned approach. When I realised that my actions were tending towards destructive, I was able to calm down and not do anything spur of the moment. To take stock, if you will.

I also realised that with this whirling going on, I was again contemplating suicide very seriously. The last time I contemplated it this seriously was when I felt I was letting everybody down. At present, I feel like this again. I'm letting family down by not having a baby, I'm letting SO down by wanting things that he cannot give me, I'm letting work down by slowing down decisions and even making wrong decisions, surely the most sensible way out of this is to end it all?

I just read an article by someone I know (he's a psychiatrist) and his view is that the urge to commit suicide is not rational or logical. Given that I believe I'm both, and that the only rational and logical answer to this world of pain I find myself in presently, is to end it, I was intrigued. He's right of course, there are 'emotional forces that are sabotaging the normal workings of the mind'.

If only I could fix these emotional forces, or if I knew what it would take for them to go away. The most depressing part of all this is, that with my new found 'put togetherness' I cannot confess this level of depression to anybody. Which is why I need a counsellor.

While I want to rave and rant about what I'm thinking and feeling, I'm actually thinking and feeling a lot more clearly currently, and I don't want to vent unnecessarily. Suffice it to say, I'm going through some reinvention processes. This may mean that things in my life change, whatever it is though, it's not fun.

Ninja Assassin

2011-07-22T01:18:00.000-07:00

I watched this movie yesterday, completely by chance. I was blown away by the male lead. He looked amazing! I wondered what he did for a living and how I'd not heard of an action star named 'Rain' so Google came to the rescue. Now a quip from the movie makes more sense.

What I'm more curious about is, did they intend this movie for action audiences or for female audiences? The fight scenes apart, Rain rarely has a shirt on and looks fabulous (after working out 6 hours a day for 6 months, I'd showcase my body too) and thanks to all the fighting is sometimes sweaty, sometimes has water thrown on him... just making me appreciate the hard work even more. Oh yes! Sometimes speckled in blood...

Kind of like Jason Stratham. I'd watch a Jason Stratham movie anytime, he takes a lot of trouble with his body and likes to show it off, and I appreciate it :)

I'm wondering if this is something producers/directors are on to? Making action movies that couples watch, the men for the action, the women for the star?

Vacation!

2011-07-18T21:09:00.001-07:00

I had made a promise to myself early this year. I promised that I would improve myself. I planned to get healthy, to travel and to learn some new things. The healthy part seems to be working, and due to some quirks of fate, travel translated into me going to VietNam for a week. Initially, I was supposed to meet a friend and then maybe go on by myself, I wound up going completely by myself, which was also good.

I think vacationing by yourself is great! Gives you a lot of head space, helps you feel/think about whatever you want. In my case, it was about having children, and my options around this. I want to get pregnant, SO... not so much. I'm 34 now and had thought that I only have till 35 to make this happen. Maybe I don't? Maybe I have till 36 or 37 or some later point?

If that's the case, and SO is reasonably clear that he doesn't want to have kids... does that change our relationship? This and other less stressful things are what I spent the head space on.

I also had a great time wandering around cities and towns, buying stuff, not buying stuff, seeing, feeling, etc. It was an excellent vacation though stressful in its own way. I've done it now, I'm looking forward to doing more such trips!

Just for Posterity

2011-06-22T06:12:00.000-07:00

I'll forget that this happened in a few days, or weeks, or maybe years, but it has me upset enough that I want to write about it. Our house has a utility area leading off from the kitchen, where we keep our washing machine. This area has a loft, and as long as we've been here, there have been pigeons. We have some plastic blinds for the opening, which are usually pulled up, so we have sun coming in. The blinds have a cord, which we try to keep neat.

Today, a bird got caught in the cord. They've flown into the cord before, but they've unentangled themselves and gone on with their lives. Today's bird got it's wing caught, struggled, got more entangled and was trapped, in the cord, hanging off the side of the building. I was at home and heard some fluttering, but didn't pay any attention. God knows how many hours later, somebody rang my doorbell and asked if we had kept a bird tied up. That's when I realised what had happened.

I hoped the bird wouldn't choke, which it didn't, but then I had to unwrap the cord. I thought of cutting the cord, but didn't want to let go of the bird. I unentangled it after some effort and am still scarred. The bird flew away, and is slightly injured, but maybe not lastingly. It left some blood on the cord, but it didn't peck me at all when I was struggling with it. I hung on to it's legs and was quite afraid that it would try to attack me, but it didn't.

I thought I was fine after this, but I'm still crying. Not because I had to free it, but because it was stuck like this, trapped and afraid for got knows how long. I don't know why I'm so upset by this, but I am. Stupid bird!

Progress

2011-06-06T01:36:00.000-07:00

I know I've had views on in-laws, specifically mothers-in-law, those views haven't changed. but having belonged to another family for nearly 4 years now, I notice that they also make efforts for me (including my mother-in-law) and that makes me fonder of them than before.

My mother-in-law has been difficult for me to handle because her personality is bossy and shrill. She's got a heart of gold, she means well and loves her family greatly, but her perspective on life is quite different from mine. She loves to talk and cook, and while I love to talk, I can't talk to her about much stuff that interests me and I'm an indifferent cook. She's tried to bond with me I think, but has met disinterest and maybe even aloofness. I've never been rude to her, but it's probably safe to assume that she knows I'm not 'fond' of her. This time though, I noticed that she eased up on the talking at points as it was getting to me. I was also allowed to participate in the cooking (a first!) so maybe we're making progress!

An Anniversary

2011-04-19T22:14:00.000-07:00

Of sorts. Today (20th April) 10 years ago, SO and I 'hooked up' I guess? We met each other in December 2000, met each other again in March 2001 and spent a good amount of time chatting (MSN)and on 20th April, spent some exclusive time together and clarified our attraction to each other.

Since then it's been a long roller-coaster of a journey and here we are. 10 years later, married, co-owners of a house, co-signatories on a loan. Our lives are now more mingled than they were then (obviously) but I'm not so sure about our selves.

On Display

2011-04-19T22:12:00.000-07:00

http://www.gettyimages.com/Search/Search.aspx?contractUrl=2&language=en-US&family=editorial&assetType=image&ep=3&p=mallika+garden

I used to think Mallika Sherawat was pretty and that she had a decent body. She, however, seems certain that her breasts are her main asset. She showcases them and flaunts them consistently. What's the point I say!

Hobbies

2011-04-18T03:31:00.000-07:00

I'd like to think I have hobbies, but apart from reading, I don't really have any firm ones. I embroider a bit (but have started only giant projects, so haven't finished any), I knit, I own a digital camera and have taken some good pictures, but haven't taken any in a while, etc.

Beginning recently and taking a serious step forward today, SO and I have begun a new hobby, gardening. Our mothers are avid gardeners (which made me somewhat averse to it) and I was sure I had a brown thumb (after killing a couple of plants in my youth) so I'm not sure how this one will go. We were gifted a plant in September (house-warming) and we bought 3 on the weekend (2 Jasmines and one Marigold) and we bought some pots and did some re-potting today. It's a strangely fulfilling thing, to see pots holding green plants and not leaking (though the sides are damp). I'm hoping that these will live (if not flourish) and we'll get braver and move to more plants.

What's Right for You

2011-04-04T23:20:00.000-07:00

Might just be the death of me.

I went to visit relatives this weekend, just so I have the rest of the year free to travel for myself. The relatives in question being my father's brother and his sons. His sons, both older than me (one by 14 years or so, and the other by 4 years) have daughters who are 3 years old. The older one had them with help.

I've made no secret about the fact that I'd like to have children, but that's on this blog. My space, a space that my family knows nothing about. My parents, for instance, have no idea what I want and have been told to mind their own business. However, that's not what parents do. And I know that my father expresses his angst about this to his brother and his niece (aforementioned older cousin's wife). As she had help, she suggested that I meet her doctor.

I agreed, expecting a general chat about what infertility means and what options are. That's not what I got. Added to that was the feeling that my cousin-in-law now has, that I've agreed to start on the process of treatment for infertility. Which I certainly have not done. I want to know if my insides are working fine and the same for SO. If they're not, then we'll evaluate options. If they are working fine, then we have nothing to do but keep trying, right?

Well right or wrong, the whole process depressed me. I'm not sure I want to be 'treated' for infertility. If SO and I cannot get pregnant, then I'm fine to adopt. I do not need to have a biological connection with a baby to raise it. Parts of what depressed me are the hopes of my father and uncle, and maybe of SO's family as well, though they do not say anything. I know they'd like for us to have children, and if we cannot... maybe it'll break their dreams? Yesterday, I felt the weight of this responsibility. Today, I'm refusing to. Today I'm even willing to tell my own father that I'm not going to put myself and my marriage through the stresses of infertility investigation so that his bloodline lives on. Sounds cruel I know, but surely my life and choices cannot be held hostage to his dreams?

Choices

2011-03-15T23:20:00.000-07:00

I have two blogs and the other one is about weight loss. I've struggled with my weight through life. When I was a teenager, I wasn't fat, but was convinced I was as I had a paunch. As a result, when I got fat, I didn't realise for quite a while. Then I lost some weight with healthy living and exercise, but gained it back and then some more in a couple of years. Over the past 2-3 years, I've lost a bit then gained more back at least once a year.

This year, I made a pact with a friend that we would both exercise and eat right, and help each other. Email is a great help as we mail each other twice or so a day, with updates on food and exercise and just telling someone else has made it easier for me to eat right. And eat smaller portions.

It's been nearly 2 months now and I've lost weight and fat. Every year, I'd hold the flab and feel I was wearing a fat suit, which I wanted to unzip and step out of. Now, the fat suit is almost off and I feel great!

I've been able to eat smaller meals, so now eat 4 meals a day, but have not had to slow down on any of my daily activities and have been able to add 30 minutes of exercise a day, which doesn't bore me and has made a tremendous difference!

Ultimately, it's about choices. You can choose to eat healthy, you can choose to exercise etc. You can also choose to give yourself a day off for good behavior.

When I was a child, I wanted to grow up so that nobody else could tell me what to do. Now that I'm grown up, I find that I want to do all the things that I was 'told' to do while growing up. That's not bad :)

I also realised yesterday that the answer to 'What is all this about' is that life is a series of experience-fruit that you get to squeeze the juice out of. There are only 3 rules:

1. Stay sane;
2. Stay healthy;
3. Have fun.

And the older you grow, you even get to pick your own fruit, from anywhere in the world! How awesome is that?

Furious

2011-02-28T22:46:00.000-08:00

I'm very angry right now, with a cousin. She's in her second marriage with 2 children, knew the guy months before she got pregnant with the first child. They're in the middle of their second separation and she just sent him a long mail about what she wants/needs and how she doesn't think she's going to get it from him, and if so maybe they should see a lawyer. I'm BCC'd on this mail because of the 'lawyer' bit I think, to let me know that we might need to call on the lawyer again. I went with her the first time.

That's not why I'm furious, I'm sad that it seems like the marriage has no hope. I'm furious because she chose to copy my on this mail, presumably to let me know where things stand and incidentally to let me hear 'her side'. I'm not in the least bit interested in 'her side' or indeed 'his side'. I've reached the stage where I know that marriages have a lot of 'he said, she said' and the only real issues are violence, cruelty, insane jealousy etc.

How do I know this? Because I've been in a relationship for nearly 10 years and know that we have enough 'he said she said' of our own. Each of us could claim that the other has been violent, dismissive, horrible, vicious, etc., and it would all be true. I have lost my temper, SO has lost his temper, I've been lazy, he's been bored, whatever! These are not reasons to call it quits on a marriage! If your friend was like this, would you immediately stop talking to them? Your parents? Your colleagues?

Then why do we expect more from a marriage when we put in less? If we're consistently more courteous, gentle, punctual, responsible, cheerful, etc. to people we work with than our spouse, why would we expect our marriage to be better than our relationship with our colleagues? Because we have sex with our spouse?

Added to this strange expectation, is a list that she has of what she expects and what she will do. She expects unconditional love and devotion and will apparently give the same. Clearly she's not willing to give unconditional love and devotion as she expects it first, and who's to say that her husband isn't waiting for exactly the same? So now is it a case of chicken? Who blink first?

Maybe I'm most furious because the past few months with SO haven't been the bestest. We're great companions, we enjoy food, we enjoy a certain type of comedy but of late there have been stresses. Anyway, I've been contemplating the future myself, and not in a very happy way. There have been days when I've been very close to calling it quits but 10 years of being together, building bonds with each other and each other's families etc., means that it's not a simple up and leave scenario. Even though I think I could be well justified. Suffice it to say, it's not something that I'm going to do, and maybe what's upsetting me the most is that she can up and leave so easily with children.

Is it a systematic severing of ties? Slowly you cut yourself off from his friends and family, and then from him, so there's no strings left attaching you to him or his, except the children that you share?

Why am I compelled to write about it? Because the tone of her mail is that she's making a reasonable request that it's totally within his power to grant, and if he chooses not to grant it, then nobody can blame her for not having tried. And as a viewer of this email, I want to point out to her that there's nothing reasonable about her request and that he would never be able to grant it, even if he wanted. Which means, she's writing the death warrant for this relationship, but she's forcing him to sign it.

Love Is

2011-01-24T00:30:00.000-08:00

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being in love which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.

-- Captain Corelli's Mandolin

Rashomon

2010-11-22T20:59:00.000-08:00

I'd heard of this story in concept in my mid teens; when I was 16 to be precise. The idea of 4 people who each have different versions of what happened. I bought a VCD some time ago and finally watched it maybe 3 weeks ago on a lazy rainy weekend. SO was bored silly, it's not an action movie, nor is there much dialogue. But here's the thing.

Anybody who reads this probably has already read the plot summary on Wikipedia so I'm not spoiling anything I hope? The fact is that a man is dead, and there is an enquiry on how he died. There are 3 people involved, the dead man, his wife and a bandit. Each of whom has a version. Interestingly, all versions involve admitting guilt, and yet, they're contradictory. So the bandit says he killed the man, the wife says she killed the man and the dead man says it was suicide. There's a by-stander who says that the bandit killed the man.

As a lay human being, who knows she's watching a movie, I can say it doesn't matter. All the people involved agree that the man is dead and that a bandit had sex with his wife. How does it matter who killed him or why?

But as a part of society, if this were to really happen, there are several decisions which would become very difficult. For instance, if it was suicide, then nobody else needs to be punished, except if the sex was a rape. If it wasn't suicide and the wife killed him in a fit of rage (after having been raped by the bandit and insulted by her husband), then it's not premeditated murder and she might be able to claim temporary insanity due to rage. If the bandit killed him in a duel for the woman, then it's still not premeditated murder, but the wife is also guilty for having urged the bandit on.

In each of these scenarios, the 'truth' is only the judge believing one person's version of events, or looking at the versions that corroborate each other the most. In this case, the story itself does not allow for much corroboration around the killing or indeed the reason for the killing.

So... what would we do in a civil society? Who would we punish and for what? This is the question that Rashomon leaves me with.

That's the Man

2010-11-15T21:07:00.000-08:00

I want...

I want a man who knows that at the end of a difficult day/week, I want to be cuddled. Properly cuddled, to have him wrap himself around me so the only thing I can hear is his heartbeat and breathing and the rest of the world recedes away into silence.

The voices that clamour daily about how I need to do stuff are silent, the voices in my head telling me I'm not doing enough are silent. The voices that tell me that it's all going to hell are silent. And I can only hear him, as he tells me that it will all be ok. And I believe him.

I want a man who knows how to love. Who knows that sex is one part of it, the release of a specific tension, like eating for hunger, but that making love is much more. An expression of an emotion, a very special emotion, that needs special expression. Who is willing to take the time it takes to let me feel his love. Who appreciates that I start things up, that I keep things going, that I do what I do, to show him my love. That sometimes it's hunger, but sometimes it IS love. And when it's rejected, it hurts the love.

But hey, everybody wants stuff...

Another Something

2010-10-05T02:36:00.000-07:00

I use this blog sometimes as a personal dumping ground, for thoughts and notes that I want to keep around me. This is another one of those, like Rudyard Kipling's 'If'. It's about men, but this is what I aspire to be - a thinking human being:

"The mark of the man of the world is absence of pretension. He does not make a speech; he takes a low business-tone, avoids all brag, is nobody, dresses plainly, promises not at all, performs much, speaks in monosyllables, hugs his fact. He calls his employment by its lowest name, and so takes from evil tongues their sharpest weapon. His conversation clings to the weather and the news, yet he allows himself to be surprised into thought, and the unlocking of his learning and philosophy." Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Take Your Breath Away

2010-08-30T02:53:00.001-07:00

I'm not young anymore,
Except in my mind.
I'm not fit now,
But maybe in a while.
I'm not new anymore,
Maybe less enticing,
But I'm still me.

I'm not just smart now,
I'm wiser,
I'm not just goofy,
I'm humourous.
I'm not just good,
I'm kind,
And I love you.

Maybe I never did before,
But now more than ever
I need you to tell me
I take your breath away.

I'm older but better
Sometimes in every way.
I can tell myself this,
But it's better when you say,
I take your breath away.

Falling Is Like...

2010-08-10T00:08:00.000-07:00

I'm working on a slightly newer me. the same person and personality, but fixing my external appearance to match what I feel inside. It started with a hair cut, which all viewers agree has shaved several years off my appearance. I'm working on exercise to make my body feel its true age, but I'll wait a while before I confirm the success of that program.

Maybe it's related, maybe it's the weather, but with this comes the feeling that I want to be 'in love' again. Falling in love is easy, it's fun and it's beautiful. Falling out of love... happens painlessly when you're not looking for a relationship. When you're in a relationship, or the relationship ends prematurely... I had to force myself out of love. It was very hard. It's not something I want to do again, fall out of love. Listening to the songs I listened to then, triggers the same responses, deep sadness at having to end something that was special, and had potential. That one, only had potential for me and not for the man I was with, so it had to end, but that didn't make it any easier.

Every so often, I fall in love with my husband again. Not because I've fallen out of love with him, but because he's changed a bit, or I've changed a bit, or because I've forgotten little bits of what he's like or something. Maybe it's also the weather, but now, I'm looking for my husband again - to fall in love once more, like trying to fight gravity on a planet that insists that love is like falling, and falling is like this (Ani DiFranco).

There's Something Wrong with the World Today

2010-07-21T21:29:00.001-07:00

I was disturbed when I heard about Switzerland banning minarets, there's ongoing discussion about banning the Burqa in a few countries in Europe, and now this http://sify.com/news/opposition-to-mosques-in-us-on-the-rise-observers-news-international-khvnafgjbig.html.

What ever happened to the Freedom to Practice Religion? Isn't it something that we've all been told is important and must be protected? Do you then start checking people at your borders, asking what their religious views are before you'll let them in? Isn't it blatant hypocrisy to allow their money in without any questions, but not to allow their faith?

And where have all the voices gone that constantly warn that one day it will be your turn (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/First_they_came...) that authoritarian rule is never the answer, that people are people.

At times, I didn't know what to say, whether I had a right to say anything, but this is going too far. We have got to stop having knee jerk reactions to things that we've not considered before. People who are rational and sensible in their dealings with work and family turn oddly rabid when they discuss religion, believing that somehow a religion is responsible for the quirks of an individual. Surely we have thieves of every religion and denomination? We have the corrupt, the wife beaters, the child abusers, none of these can be separated out due to religion and it's even likely that every religion will swear that it is indeed the lack of religion that made them so.

Why have we all turned into this weird bunch of reactionaries? Demanding that Islam be limited to countries that are willing to declare themselves 'Islamic' and that Muslims in any other country hide their faith? Do we require that Hindus not wear caste marks? Do we force Christians to put away their rosaries and other signs of faith? Why are we becoming intolerant of an entire religion because of a few people? I've said this once and I'll say it again we have terrorists of all religions. I know of Hindu terrorists, Christian terrorists, Sikh terrorists and Muslim terrorists. Yet nobody is prohibiting the construction of temples or churches.

We need to stop and think. What are we setting ourselves up for here? A culture of hate and intolerance? Is that the future we want to leave our children?

Romance

2010-07-18T22:41:00.000-07:00

I've called myself a romantic, incurable at best and implacable at worst, but of late, I'm wondering more and more what that means. I grew up in a practical family, where parents didn't have time for grand gestures of love for each other, but have stayed together nonetheless. Is that romantic? Perhaps not. So what was I looking for? Someone to sweep me off my feet? Not really - or at any rate, not any more. I quite like my feet and making my own decisions. I guess the part that appealed to me most was that someone would unexpectedly be drawn to you, and would want to be with you, no matter what. Disaster, disease, disability, disdain, none of this would push them away. In retrospect, completely stalker-ish.

So what is it? What do I want? I'll confess, I still miss the romantic, and at some level believe there are romantic men, but if a non-romantic man asked me what it is, what does he need to do? Indeed... what?

After much analysis, it turns out that it's what a man does that makes his woman feel special. Parts of it relate to her being a woman (therefore probably applicable across the board) but most of it relate specifically to her. For instance, most women like a man who opens doors for them, not because they cannot do it, but because it shows consideration. I do it myself, because it shows consideration. But If my husband gets to the door before me and opens it for me when I'm on the phone, that's romantic. When my husband knows that I don't like a particular vegetable much so ensures there's an alternative when it's prepared at his parents' place, that's romantic. Yes?

There's still something niggling, something that I only felt once in my life. I was in a bit of a flap due to some circumstances, and a person I was hanging out with (he is 3 years younger and I had very strict rules about these things those days) said to me, 'don't worry, I'm there.' He couldn't have done much to remedy the situation or anything, but it was just an assurance that he would be there through it. I felt more special than I wanted to in that situation, and whether he meant it or not... I began avoiding him.

I guess to me, given my various relationships, insecurity is the biggest challenge. I usually feel alone and when things start stacking up, that's the biggest fear - that I'll have to deal with it all alone.

So in the ultimate analysis, romance is what makes the other person feel special, and for me, the ultimate in romance is knowing that I'll never be alone. Now, if only my subconscious would react appropriately :)

Fingers Crossed

2010-07-05T21:06:00.000-07:00

My cousin, the one who's in her second marriage, with two babies, is due to meet her husband this evening. Apparently they met by chance on the weekend and clearly had a civilized conversation, and they're going to have another one today. There were some tensions in the middle, with emails flying fast and furious, copying people who had no business knowing what was going on between the two of them (like my parents, my brother and I) but maybe that's all at an end.

I am very afraid for her because she's head-strong and pampered to a large extent. I'm head-strong too, but have learnt over the years to recognize that I can be wrong, and to listen to a few people in some degree of detail. These people are friends and family, but they're also my weather-vanes, showing me myself. I'm afraid that my cousin, like our family is wont to do, has pushed away people like that from her life, making the rest of us afraid to point out that she can be wrong. Again, this is not to say that her husband is correct, he is deathly wrong in his own way, but he is probably right in some ways. My cousin has a blind spot when it comes to money, never having to earn a living, or having to survive by what she earned. Where I'm comfortable in the knowledge that my education and experience will see me through the rest of my life comfortably, she cannot say that at all. On the flip-side, she's very comfortable spending. She thinks she's aware of money, but she's probably penny wise, pound foolish. She feels entitled to an evening out every week, spending money that she's not earning. While she is a full-time mom, and I can understand that that is frustrating and tiring, asking your mother to baby-sit, so that you can have an evening out with your friends, spending a fair bit of money that your parents are giving you... feels wrong. But again, who am I to judge?

Her husband has not been the most mature about any of this, and at some level, neither has my cousin. The best case is they decide to start with a clean slate with each other, hopefully remembering the affection, but putting all the unpleasantness behind them, never to be referred to again. The worst case is they try again and fall into the same traps of anger, frustration, passive-aggression etc.

Families are what they are, imperfect, but loving at best. Parents are people, but when children are very young, they need to put aside their personalities and concentrate on the children. This is not something I've seriously thought about, but something that now makes perfect sense to me. The parent who is the primary care-giver, doesn't have any time or mental space, for anything apart from care-giving for the first few years of the child's life. Given the way life is these days, several people have children with a gap of two years or so. This means, in the parents' lives, there is a lull in personal relationship for something like six or seven years. The time during which children need full time care (the elder one gets this for 3 years, then the second one gets their 3 years), is the time when parents need to be very secure in the relationship - which is technically the security that marriage provides. The security that though you don't have time for each other just yet, you will find that time, because you have the rest of your lives. The insecure spouse will feel ousted by the child/children, and after a few attempts at date-nights or some other contrived experience to reclaim what existed before, will move on. The secure spouse will participate in child-rearing, realising that this is a way for the relationship to grow and mature, a new phase of marital life, which has its own ups and downs.

I'm not saying anybody is justified in completely ignoring their spouse or indeed themselves, but the secondary care-giver must understand how difficult it is, and what a toll it takes. Several people do this without thinking, decide to have children, stay at home to take care of them, then wonder why they're fighting more with their spouse etc., without realising that the situation is fraught with various tensions.

Though I've been waiting to have my own children, every year that I don't adds some insights that I believe will make me a better parent if I get the opportunity, but insights that will make me a better person in general.

For my cousin, I've my fingers crossed that all will end well for the time being, and being adults, they can work on their relationship to take it where they want.

100% Pure Lust!

2010-06-29T02:52:00.000-07:00

Aaah... Cristiano Ronaldo.... thank you Google Image Search!

In Which I Confirm that I'm Stoic

2010-06-21T23:31:00.001-07:00

When I was in school, we had to learn Julius Caesar. Our teacher took some trouble to explain philosophies and the like, because, if I remember correctly, Cassius was Stoic. The explanation and the definition at that time, made them sound cold and unfeeling. The philosophy was being separate from events, so that you aren't destroyed by events, but if you're untouched by events, my sixteen year old self reasoned, you've to be cold and unfeeling.

Then my life happened, I studied more, I worked hard, I had set-backs in my personal and professional life and I stopped and thought. People behaved incomprehensibly, things happened that had no business happening at all! And I thought about all of this, about how angry I was with these people and these things. People that I otherwise liked and even loved. What's the option, I thought. How do I reconcile that people whom I like and love, and will continue to love, do such incomprehensible things? And the only complete answer I could find, is that they will do what they do, I can only react to those things. And my reaction does not need to be incomprehensible. In fact, the one thing I take trouble to do, is to process thoughts and feelings before voicing them, because my reaction is now a 'thing' for someone else. Do I think people are wrong? Often. Do I shout from the rooftops that they are wrong? Almost never. Why? Because I cannot choose what happens, I can only choose how I react to the happenings.

How Low Can You Go...

2010-06-14T00:13:00.000-07:00

I had expected that life would have a trajectory. Upto some point, I would be learning, and after some point I would be teaching. If you assume the average person lives about 80 years, then you learn roughly upto 50-55, and then you teach. Maybe this is true?

The cousin-in-law may have learnt much from his mother, and I'm in shock. At the meeting with his estranged wife, the meeting in which my father-in-law saw an over-aggressive girl and an apologetic boy, the cousin-in-law also alleged that his wife had tried to seduce his own cousin. He said that his mother had said her sister-in-law (the boy in question's mother) had told her that the girl was behaving inappropriately with her son. Now, those of us that know the mothers in question, know that they would never have this conversation. The girl's family promptly called up 'the boy in question's mother' and she swore up and down that she had said no such thing. Her husband was present, heard this, and said nothing at all. My father-in-law, who was present, said nothing of this incident to anybody.

The net result being that the cousin-in-law and his mother now have my father-in-law's support and are being painted many shades of white within the family. Those of us that know his mother and his ex-wife, know which side is what colour. The pain here is, that they used my father-in-law very thoroughly. Used him, knowing that he would not be able to see their machinations, that he would listen to the words, not the tone, that they lucked out when the girl's family lost their temper and he couldn't understand their rage.

They used a man who has only their welfare at heart, who only wanted to see if a family could be re-united and if a disabled child could get the support he needs. Used him to re-establish some sense of respect that they had in a family that they meet occasionally. Apparently humans are plumbing new depths every day.

Ke Dil Abhi Bhara Nahin

2010-06-08T23:53:00.000-07:00

In the past week, I've got the final word one one marriage that was in shambles, and news that another marriage has ended. The first one is a cousin-in-law by marriage, the second is my cousin, whose second marriage it is.

When my cousin said she was getting remarried and with all the time I spent with her and her new husband, I kept wanting to ask, why will this one work when the previous one didn't? We're all human, we all have quirks and habits that are endearing and exasperating, which means that sooner or later, everybody will exasperate you, and you will exasperate them. What then do you have to look forward to in a long term relationship? I think it's the idea that both of you want similar things from life, and truly enjoy each other's company. I've thought about this quite a bit because there was a time when I considered leaving the SO, and in self-analysis, realised that I wanted to be with someone, and someone else, would have their own issues and the like - just like SO does.

Now, my cousin is on the verge of a second divorce, this marriage leaving her with 2 little children (the older is 4, born the year his parents got married). She's also not spent much time working, and now needs to find a job that will support her family. I can't help but hate the man that would leave his family in these straits. He's nice, fun, charming, funny, intelligent, and apparently selfish. He would naturally argue that he's desperately unhappy in this marriage, and staying with them would hurt him immeasurably, but is this the answer? It's not a bad answer, I'll give him that - it's an 'It's not you, it's me' answer, which is fine. But it's not acceptable.

The cousin-in-law in the first marriage, bought his wife and disabled child flight tickets to her parents house in October last year, because she did something he repeatedly told her not to. She was devastated, and when she overcame the grief to some extent, she called his extended family and told them stuff about him and what he thought of them. She also said that he was an intensely jealous husband who did not spend any money on the treatment of his child and did not give her sufficient money for household expenses. Since he sent her away, he had not attempted to meet her. They met on the weekend that just passed, because my father-in-law organized a meeting. My father-in-law feels that in the meeting, the girl's family came off badly because they shouted a lot, made random accusations and unsubstantiated allegations. The girl's family believes that the cousin-in-law came off badly because he alleged that she was of loose character (yet again). Only SO and I presently know both sides of this, because I know the girl's sister. I'm not in favour of telling anybody else, including my father-in-law, because the outcome of the meeting is that the pair should separate. It is probably best for each side to feel they got the better deal so I shall hold my peace.

The reason for the title is that maybe that's what marriages and relationships are about. You hang on till you're satiated and then you let go. I believe we learn from everybody in our lives, useful lessons which may not always be pleasant, but lessons nonetheless. I've used this to my advantage in my professional life, and though I've not really 'used' this in my personal life, I can see that my deepest attachments are to people who are constantly thinking, learning and growing. The times I've had serious issues with SO are times when I feel we're not growing as a couple. I think I still have a lot to learn from SO so there's still life left in 'us'.

Not so Afeared

2010-05-26T06:19:00.000-07:00

My body cooperates at its own pace. Clearly I was not pregnant and after holding out for many weeks, it confessed that it wasn't either. Now to see if I can school it into submission to my will, or will be forced to acknowledge the Horrorscope.

Rene's the Man

2010-05-26T05:54:00.000-07:00

It runs away with me,
My errant brain.
Leaping from thought to mood
From word to phrase.
Caffeine induced or crazed,
With the need to speak my mind.

It's agitated, I am agitated.
But not in a bad way,
Not troubled or sad.
I've been here before,
Words and thoughts tumbling out,
No coherence, just a cascade.
I miss it when it's absent,
This churning of thoughts within,
My creation of something...
Worthwhile or otherwise,
Completely mine.

He was right you know,
Right about me at any rate.
I think, therefore I am.

Afeared

2010-05-16T21:53:00.000-07:00

I was good about exercise through April, 3 days a week through the month. I was feeling better, body was getting a little better. May has been bad, maybe 2 days of exercise in the whole month - though I'm re-motivated now. Why? Because Aunty Flo has been missing!! 45 days and no sign of the woman! I was eating better and exercising, I expected my standard cycle, which was about 35 days but no sign. The depressing side is that I cannot even remotely be pregnant, so it's just that my insides are not working. Which is making me mighty afeared!

Something I want to Remember

2010-05-10T22:57:00.001-07:00

The Invitation
Oriah Mountain Dreamer
Canadian Teacher and Author

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dreams
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.

If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."

It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after a night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

© 1995 by Oriah House, From "Dreams Of Desire"
Published by Mountain Dreaming, 300 Coxwell Avenue, Box 22546, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4L 2A0

Baby and Horrorscope

2010-05-03T02:06:00.000-07:00

No, it's not a spelling mistake. SO's just quit his job (one that he's not happy at) but he doesn't have anything in hand, so naturally his family is upset/worried. Some people are able to understand that if there are two earning members in a household, one can quit without plan, and the world doesn't end. Those that aren't able to understand panic a bit. My mother-in-law chose to panic a bit, the panic taking the form of contacting an astrologer. Again, I have nothing against astrologers, except that they trade in fear. The MIL is convinced that she has to have some pujas done to spare SO from the painful effects of his own short-temper. An aside that the astrologer lady told her, is that we (SO and I) are not having children because we are not interested. The SO heard this from his mother, and didn't tell me till it came out in some random conversation.

To say I was upset would be a tad understating it. I bawled a few buckets and got slightly more upset when SO said that my date and time of birth are required to ascertain how bad his situation is. While the information is collected for purposes of job assurance, what if it is used for fertility analysis? And what if random astrologer person swears that the 'khot' is in my horrorscope and not SO's? This is more distressing because I want a child much more than SO does, and I suspect SO has a more serious medical condition than my self-diagnosed PCOS. What if my horrorscope shows none of this but declares that I will not have children? He's already presumed able, and I'm declared feeble!

On the up-side, I spoke to my MIL recently and she didn't ask me for any time of birth, so I'm hoping that she's either given up or forgotten, so this question is either dead or postponed. The angst it caused me though, is quite significant. I'm not sure it's done with (considering SO and I have been wed for 2.5 years), but hopefully I will not hear of it again.

Diplomacy and Politics

2010-04-27T21:17:00.000-07:00

I was travelling for a while and am experiencing a vague sort of dissatisfaction with my life, which is why I've not expressed any opinions about Shashi Tharoor and his downfall. When he entered politics, like all citizens who are looking for new brooms, I was hopeful. Then came the reckless tweets and now this.

My opinion is that he's a diplomat, but hasn't realised that there is a difference between diplomacy and politics. Diplomacy seems to be about deciding what truths to tell, politics appears to be about how well you can weather filth. Nobody has a blameless existence, but Indian politicians appear to first learn how to ensure that no blame attaches to them, then they learn how to make innocent acts appear vile and filthy, then they learn about how to accumulate power, and finally, how to retain power. Governance, good or otherwise, doesn't appear to feature too much.

Looking at it from the bewildered eyes of Mr. T, it seems like he made a few calls to help someone who asked for help, and they offered him a reward. He refused the reward because he is a public servant, but upon being pressed to accept their 'generosity' he directed it towards a friend, in what he thought was another good turn. What an expensive set of favours it has proved to be for him.

I'd like to think I'm good at recognizing opportunities for doing and seeking favours. This, I think, is the basis of politics. Everybody has convictions and beliefs, but building consensus and coalition depends as much on people believing that you can help them, as it does on people believing in you and your convictions/beliefs. The mass of voters need to believe in you to cast their vote, but the people who will help you reach the masses need to believe in your ability to help them. The fine line is the help you are willing to provide. You could help a legitimate project get legitimate clearances with all procedures followed, so that social good is done, or you could help an illegitimate project get clearances so that the entrepreneur is enriched, or somewhere in between. And you must be aware that your enemies can make one look like the other, with no effort at all.

When I was younger, I recognized that politics was a very dirty game and thought that the most easy way to uplift India was through the Civil Services. However, not being fond of examinations and fairly confident that the life was not for me, I didn't pursue that route. Now, I still think it's the best way to work.

Coming back to Sashi Tharoor, he confused diplomacy with politics and has learnt that the two are very different. He has the rest of his term to serve out his constituency and try in little ways to make improvements to the daily lives of his people. Not a mean task if he manages it, but not as impressive as what he could have achieved, if he spent some time learning the ropes first?

Confidence

2010-04-14T23:35:00.000-07:00

For a variety of reasons, I wasn't the most confident of children or young adults. This carried though into my twenties,and with each year of my thirties, I find that I'm growing in confidence. Professional first, and now personal. It's about knowing that I'm a good person and slowly working on myself till I'm happy with me and my body. I'm quite happy with me, and for the past 3 weeks, I've been exercising at least 3 days a week for half an hour a day, meaning I'm growing more happy with my body. It's a minor thing but it helps a lot.

The thing is, that for many years I believed that no man that I liked would like me. My first boyfriend was not one that I had a crush on, though my second was and SO certainly is. Insecurity about this 'liking' thing, always meant that I was afraid of ending up alone. Something that I certainly do not want. So now If I'm on a path away from that insecurity, what does it mean? Just that I'm much more comfortable in my own skin. I may never be super-fit, or have a flat stomach, but I can control my health and look the way I choose. This is rather a key realisation for me, as till now I believed that the way I looked was beyond my control. This might be one of my biggest personal achievements for 2010!

Mid-30s Drama Queen

2010-04-08T02:20:00.000-07:00

I am having an email fight with my father in which I'd like to believe I appear slightly more mature. It's interesting, but makes it clear to my why I'm such a drama queen. I inherited the talent from my father. My mother does fly off the handle and overreact, but she's much better these days. My father has the 'rage'. He's the one who'll go quiet and cold waiting till he gets the apology that he wants. I do almost exactly the same with SO, regularly. I used to think that my mother had a bee in her bonnet about being right, I'm slowly learning that my father is worse, but less communicative, so it's harder to explain or pacify etc.

In the recent past, my father has done a lot more of the 'being childish' bits. Maybe he's always been like that and when I was a child I didn't notice it and for some years my mother handled it. The real fear I have is that my father will not mellow into maturity, taking offence at everything that his children say to him, or don't say to him. Forgetting that they are very much like him, hot-headed and slow to forgive.

For today though, I'm a child who's hurt her father and doesn't want to apologise because she doesn't think she's wrong. It would appear that my father is throwing a tantrum, but maybe I am.

Come On People!

2010-03-23T06:19:00.000-07:00

So now it's Sandra Bullock's husband. Ok, Jesse James if you must. Explain something to me, it's not bad enough that her husband cheats, but she needs to have the entire country know about it, because somebody offered the other woman money for the story? Isn't that at least a little disgusting? If I'm not wrong, Tiger's girlfriends also got money for their stories.

What's the thinking here? They have a story, they might as well get some money from telling it? Why encourage them to tell it at all? Has the country absolved these women of any role in an affair with a married man? Is it now all down to the man to stand firm and reject any form of temptation?

I'm not defending cheating, not at all, but it does take 2 to cheat doesn't it? Is their logic 'he would have cheated with someone, why not me?' Do they expect the world to believe that the fact that these guys are celebrities had nothing to do with it? What's the next step? For a media company to launch a sting operation where some chick tries to seduce a happily married celebrity?

There's something wrong with the world today!

Thank You!

2010-03-12T11:02:00.000-08:00

Thank you
For each time you were cold
And I tried to warm you up
For each time you were distant
And I tried to build the bridge
For each time you snapped
And I looked on bewildered,
For all the times you were you
And I was unsure

Over the years
I've built myself over
Learning to know me
A me you don't see
Or don't see all the time
A me that is special and fabulous
A me that is independent of you.

Thank you
For showing me me.
Now I know it's not me, it's you
And one day, it may be only you.

Agony Aunties

2010-01-31T20:53:00.000-08:00

I had always fancied myself being one, till I decided that it caused more problems than it resolved. Then I firmly got out of the business of giving advice except when asked, when I would say 'what I would do is...' to make it clear that it's only my opinion.

Over the years though, I've apparently become known for having a cool head and making sensible decisions, so people sometimes as me for opinions. And some people ask me for opinions all the time. In this latter category falls the friend who I unwittingly recruited into my organization. I'm guessing her work is still ok, so I don't need to feel guilty, but it sometimes causes more work for me :)

She's in a very different position in life - she has 2 children who are 5 and 2, she hasn't worked full-time in a few years and wanted to re-join the full time work force, though she was doing useful part-time work. So she did, but has throughout been conflicted about her children. The older one had a tough time because at the time when she chose to go back to work, her husband took a job in another city (after having been home for 8 months). That got resolved eventually, with the husband returning to this city with a new job. Now, her younger child is ill. And for some reason, she thought I might have suggestions about what she could possibly do. 'What if the doctor says my child shouldn't stay at day-care?' she asks me.

The only answer I could think of for a few minutes was WTF? How on earth am I supposed to know? I'm not her, I have no children, nobody's ill, and I'm not the kind that worries about getting stuff done, I typically just get down to doing it.

Anyway, I directed her to her boss, who would certainly have some guidance on this and really should have been her first port of call. I honestly could not care less that her child is ill. I sympathize, but it's not something that I can do anything about and it doesn't affect me.

I guess it struck me as being a tad weird - maybe I'm not as nice as I thought, but honestly - it doesn't count as 'bad news' in my life if my friends or their children are ill. It counts as bad news if they've broken something (the friend) or the child is hospitalized, or some family member is critical, or someone lost their job etc. Maybe I'm a heartless bitch :)

Disposition and Predisposition

2010-01-26T22:25:00.000-08:00

Personalities are based on numerous things we're told. Genes, upbringing, conditioning etc. In my case, I'd have to agree - all these play a part. I react sometimes based on innate responses (like anger), sometimes based on principles, and sometimes based on mood. Maybe there are more classifications - but you get the drift. A lot of these can be attributed to my genetic structure and a lot to the way I was brought up. But can all of it? At some point I broke with 'family' I had my own experiences and thoughts and could make up my own mind. But maybe that just means that I'm 'hardy'.

http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200912/dobbs-orchid-gene A cousin-in-law posted this article on Facebook and I loved reading it. It suggests that people who are hurt the most by the slings and arrows of a difficult upbringing, also have the most to contribute to society. Not by virtue of their upbringing, but by virtue of their sensitivity, creativity, or other such trait. They feel more strongly, so they may do more. It suggests that the personality type they call 'orchid' would die when not treated appropriately, but when in 'optimal' circumstances, would blossom spectacularly.

What I find special about this article is that there are no value judgements about parents, and there are no excuses for children. Stretching the 'orchid' metaphor, they are not only found in hot-houses. So, the circumstances for the 'orchid' child to develop completely could be completely naturally occurring. I just read 'The Last Lecture' by Randy Pausch (after having seen it on YouTube a few times), and one of the points he made is that he 'lucked out on the Parent Lottery'. I've also recently read 'Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman' which is an eclectic collection of life incidents, but what stood out for me, is that his parents were completely supportive of his experiments and curiousity. It was dangerous on occasion, but he survived, their house survived, and he went on to be very useful.

I'm contemplating becoming a parent and (as I've stated before) I think I'll be ok at it. What I'm learning though, is that we need to be sensitive to the individual child as well. I have 'principles of child rearing' that I occasionally discuss with OA and we tend to agree, but where we sometimes disagree is how much to 'curtail' a child. Especially with little boys, sometimes they're not very careful. They hurt themselves, they break stuff and such-like. This is not true of all boys, but assuming we have a child like this, is the right answer that we restrict their curiousity and movement to ensure minimum damage to themselves and property? Say we think the right approach is to scare the child into immobility, how would that help? It might ensure the child lives to adult-hood, but with a significant amount of fear. Is there a middle-path? Where we're able to evaluate risk in a split second, and allow some activities, but disallow others? Will a small child be able to evaluate these or understand the difference (i.e. using an electrical device v. putting nail into electricity socket)?

And moving along to the other issue that I wanted to write about. Now that I've read the article, I think my brother is an 'orchid'. There are some 'optimal' settings for him, which he may not have had for most of his life. Now he's an adult, and it seems sometimes like he's not able to get beyond this, probably for the same 'orchid' related issues. If this is true, I'd also like to know if professional help would work, I'd really like him to get it if it works.

Professionalism

2010-01-08T05:09:00.000-08:00

I think I blogged about this once before, years ago. A senior colleague was telling his super-boss, that someone who had left our organization, was being a thorn in the side of some senior executive. The senior executive was passing the pain along to this senior colleague. The super-boss said, 'don't fight with a pig, you'll both get dirty and the pig will enjoy it' and then said 'that was advice'. Very good advice I thought.

Through my working life, I've not encouraged gossip. For whatever reason, nobody tells me anything. I have friends in the office, people I hang out with during the work day, but not a single one tells me that 'x' is seeing 'y' or that someone said something about me or somebody else, etc. Ever. In about 9 years of working, that's pretty odd wouldn't you say? I wondered whether to feel left out. Now... I think it's better.

A friend has joined the organization that I work at and has had a very different experience. Given, she's a part of a team and I'm an individual contributor, but I'm still amazed at the situation she finds herself in in 4 months. She's so pissed off with one of her colleagues, that she's willing to tell anybody who'll listen, even people who are in the same team. Naturally they reciprocate very willingly, leading to this wonderfully unhealthy working situation. Sure, it's hard to work with a colleague who seems out to get you, but what's the solution? It's gotten to a stage where this other girl who has the same boss as me, asked me today to do something about it (tell our boss basically).

Instead I called my friend who vented majorly. Sure, there may be things that are upsetting, the other person's behaviour may not be appropriate, but surely there's a 'mature' way to handle this? Not bitching behind her back, even if she does the same? Not complaining about how she doesn't know how to act etc.? Sure, the other woman may be a perfect bitch herself, but we're back to the 'pig' story aren't we?

I think whatever else I may be, I maintain my equanimity. I may not want to, but I'll be damned if someone makes me lose my self control, in a professional interaction. I just thought about it some more, and I've had remarkably agressive interactions, I've been troubled, I've had my credibility questioned etc., but I managed to get through, get the job done and let that speak for me. I'm not perfect, but I'll ensure that people mainly say that I'm 'professional'. Something that my friend has not managed to do.

I'm trying to understand why I felt the urge to write this down, probably because she's my friend, and that had something to do with her getting the job. And now I've another friend considering whether she should join. The key difference between these two? The one who's only considering worked for a long time at a competitive office, where she had to deal with this kind of stuff regularly, and clearly managed. She has another minor advantage though, the woman who's causing the first friend trouble is changing roles, so should have very little left to do with this team at all.

The saddest thing? I have a great professional relationship with the 'trouble-maker'. I think she's smart and sensible. She's had bad luck with team members in the past, maybe that bad-luck is continuing, maybe she's finally met someone who's as competent as her, maybe she's insecure, I'm not sure what it is, but I am sure that it could have all been handled differently.

Random Voyeurism

2010-01-04T00:51:00.000-08:00

I used to read this blog earlier, written by a girl who was in love with a neighbour, who broke up with her. One day she protected her blog, and then deleted it. I found today that she'd started another one. So I've spent some hours today reading the new one. She's still as depressed (about 1.5 years after breaking up) but maybe things are looking up in her life. This post is not about that though.

It's about how I think marrying one person when you're still in love with another is the worst thing you could do to your spouse. I know that several people have done it, some have resulted in happy marriages even, but only due to the great strength of the spouse. I personally believe that for a person going into a marriage, expecting a loving spouse, the worst thing you can find is a kind stranger whose thoughts and heart belong to another. Worse, because they agreed to marry you (and they're honest about the choice they made), they try really hard to be good to you but their heart isn't in it. And you try to be a good spouse, you appreciate their contributions, you want to hold hands while walking and they flinch. You try to hug them impulsively and they freeze. Imagine that? Imagine not knowing why the person you're now ready to build your future with is only polite with you. Not being able to understand why they look troubled or sad and when you ask them, they snap or avoid or worse, tell you that they didn't want to get married to you in the first place.

And now imagine the reverse. You're in love with one person but have agreed to marry another. You're expected to have a 'wedding night' and be affectionate with a person you barely know when all you want to do is to be with someone else. Or even to take some time to get over someone else, and be free to fall in love with your spouse, but you don't have that time. You're already in a relationship in which you have multiple duties.

A totally toxic situation, but much more cruel to the one who wasn't expecting it.

Another part of the 'random voyeurism' is that the girl with the blog comments that her friend walked in on her father kissing the cook, 2 years after the friend's mother had died. The situation is not what intrigued me. The kissing is what did. I'm more than willing to admit that for Indian men, the help is the first line of attack. What I found surprising in that story is that the pair were kissing. An activity that I only associate with affection. Much like holding hands. Not like sex or groping, for both of which the other person could be irrelevant, as long as they are of the right sexual pursuasion.

I have also come to the conclusion that this is just me. I watched a movie yesterday - a French film named the Bay of Angels about a man and a gambler. The man learns how to gamble and along the way meets this woman who is a gambler. She seems to be using him, but I could never be sure that that was it. And he seemed besotted enough to be used and not want to let her go. He could see that at times she only wanted his money, not his affection and it hurt him, but he was willing to continue. And I couldn't understand it.

For all my willingness and self-proclaimed ability to see multiple sides of an argument, I'm unable to believe that men feel as strongly as women. Most definitely because I am not a man and have had my fair share of heartache from men. Maybe it's the indepth socializing that men go through that I'm not able to pierce the veil of it and see their true feelings or appreciate that they feel pain as well. Maybe it's that I've not understood many men. The men I've had the opportunity of interacting with (father, brother, husband) have all been reserved. Maybe now I'll get to know more of the sensitive ones. The ones who talk openly about what they think and feel. Maybe they'll get hurt, but hopefully not. And hopefully I'll be privileged enough to see some thinking and feeling.

My Own Fallibility

2009-12-17T04:43:00.000-08:00

I know that I'm only human and I make mistakes, yet each time I do, I'm scared solid. When I say solid, I mean frozen. I panic, I shut down, I shout at myself wondering how I could have been so stupid etc.

Now the challenge is, these are mistakes that cost somebody something, right? If they only thing they cost is me to lose face, I'm fine with that. I can go back and be shouted at and explain that I personally made a mistake, that's all fine.

I know I'm not alone in this, and I hope I will never make a mistake that ends my career, but how do you prevent making the rather large ones? At present, there's enough and more blame to go around but some of it is rightfully mine. And I care about having it fixed. Unfortunately, we cannot have it fixed, because to do so would need the other side to be 'gracious', something that they're not inclined to be. And may never be inclined to be.

I'm concerned, and nervous, but apparently I'm not alone in this. Google has 32 Million results for 'leaning to cope with making mistakes'. More importantly, I have to remember that the voice that shouts at me, is not my conscience, it is my ego.

My conscience is clear, I missed this thing, but I did a lot, I covered a lot, I took care. Maybe someone else would not have missed this, but I did. And hopefully, I never will again.

Gran Torino

2009-11-26T03:14:00.001-08:00

My introduction to Clint Eastwood was through Spaghetti Westerns. My brother loved those movies and I watched as younger siblings are wont to do. I didn't 'feel' much for him because he was the 'man's man'. Then he grew older and I grew up. I didn't watch several movies of his, but eventually I saw Million Dollar Baby. And then about two months ago I saw Gran Torino.

When I saw Million Dollar Baby, though I loved the movie muchly, I hated the end. Hated it because that's not the way we want to see our heroes go. Because I'm romantic at heart and believe strongly that every end must be happy. I hung on to this 'displeasure' for many years. Till I saw Gran Torino. Another unhappy ending... but not quite. I guess both of them are actually happy endings in their own way.

Gran Torino specifically is one of the most happy movies I've seen. A man who's lived his life, has no relationship with his family, but is a man. A person who can see right from wrong, and is on the side of right. Uncompromisingly. It doesn't matter that other people think he's crazy and that the people he's supporting aren't like him, they're supported because they are right.

I'd like to believe that that was what was right with the USA. It had a reputation of being one of the few places in the world where merit matters. Where what's right is right and there's no two ways about it.

http://www.life.com/image/50375673/in-gallery/35762/sexiest-men-of-the-50s-60s-70s

I love Randall Munroe

2009-11-10T20:51:00.000-08:00

Let me just state, in case I never do otherwise. I love him! He's a math nerd and has worked with Nasa, I'm an averagely intelligent human being who's many miles away. I will probably never meet him, and if I do, I'll probably make a gigantic fool of myself, but nevertheless, I love Randall Munroe.

This India That India

2009-10-19T05:42:00.000-07:00

I spent a good amount of time reading a series of comments triggered by a post about Chennai. I'm not from Chennai but have a few million relatives there. I spent many summers of my childhood there in a conservative family so have very limited happy memories. But I love the beach. And Chennai to me, is like any other city in the world. It has its up-sides and its down-sides.

But this post is not about Chennai. It's about whether there is indeed a cultural difference between people from one part of India and another. When I was younger, I went to a sort of elite college. It's now much more elite than it was then (but that's a different post), and even back then, we had people from all over India. My friends to date, are not all from a single place. Some of us speak Hindi fluently and still get made fun of, and some of us speak Hindi badly despite having lived in Delhi for years. Is that even an issue? A cousin of mine is married to a girl who grew up in Chennai though her family is from North India. She is so fond of Chennai that she actually loves the weather! I guess one could safely call her a Chennai-ite.

Of late though, in my professional life, I've run into many people from other parts of India. And I've had to resist the temptation to brand/stereotype. I don't believe it's cultural, but I do see a tendency for people from Delhi to try to beat the system. This has taken on a slightly personal tone for me, one that I'm grappling with.

A colleague of mine is from Delhi. We didn't have much interaction due to work, but we began hanging out because the women in my office are few and far between. She's sweet, dil-se. But she's very... brash, full of herself and willing to do jugaad. And I no longer respect her. She's been very sweet, said I've made her respect Tamilians more, understand Tamilians more, she's bought me gifts for no reason... and I don't want to speak to her any more. And when I don't want to speak to someone I become snarky. I've had to watch myself, because she's a nice person, but it's getting harder. I felt especially offended when she proudly announced that the highlight of a shopping trip was gypping a parking attendant of some amount, by pretending that she'd just come out of the shop that maintains the parking. This is mainly because I've been wrongly accused of the same and been all righteously indignant, but how does one fault a parking attendant? He can't keep track, and she knew that what she was doing was against the rules. Yet she did, not just unrepentantly, but proudly.

This is what I see growing, an attitude that 'getting what you want' matters more than abiding by rules/norms etc. And that is the India that I abhor.

I Hurt!

2009-10-04T22:45:00.000-07:00

I dind't want to come to work today cause I had a bit of a mishap on Friday. I realised that I'd missed something and it caused some ripples. It's all been smoothed over, mainly because there's a lot at stake here, but I woke up this morning, severely depressed about work. The thing is, that I missed some little stuff, and some big stuff. Overall, it was something that I thought was going well, but at the end of it, I'm totally depressed! It's not turned out the way we needed though the people I've worked with on it are sort of ok with it.

In general, my enthusiasm for work is zero today and I'm just afraid. I usually get like this after making mistakes at work. Afraid to do anything for a while in case I get something wrong. I mostly know that I won't get the day to day stuff wrong, but the fear is still quite crippling. I could have chosen to work from home, but didn't because I thought I should come to the office - for the soothing company of other people. Except, there's nothing soothing about it at all. There are many people, all of whom are busy, so there's a lot of noise. I'm feeling very jumpy, overwhelmed.

Added to this is that SO returns in the middle of the night today. I've missed him terribly, but this trip has been awful in terms of communication. We've spoken maybe 10 times through the trip and exchanged very brief emails. It may be that the trip itself was short and though I was at home, there was stuff going on, but I'm slightly pissed. Probably exacerbated by excessive stress at work, leaving me feeling very alone.

Oddly, work has been very 'rewarding' with great news on bonus and awards... I guess I've been working very hard without realising it, and now it's catching up with me.

Mother-in-law-hood

2009-10-02T10:00:00.000-07:00

The last post, though titled Motherhood, was triggered by a post by a mother-in-law, and for some time I've been wanting to write about in-laws. I know I've written a lot of stuff about this complicated relationship, but there's currently a little more.

Maybe there's no more, just that I want to understand a little more about what this relationship is to me. I'm a daughter who grew up in a cosmopolitan city with a liberal mother. I learnt to have opinions and speak my mind. I also have modified my relationship with my family to the level where I'm comfortable with it. As selfish as that is, what it means is that I get to interact with my parents on my terms. I meet them somewhat often, but I speak to them at length at least once a week. I also ensure that when I speak to them I'm as patient and tolerant as I can be. I also share and answer as much as I can. I make this statement because my parents, in an attempt to feel connected to me and my life, want to know how so-and-so is doing, how their children are etc., but usually forget what I say. Or I just don't want to tell them because it's none of their business or something. With advancing age, I do have a little more patience with my parents. And they've been my parents my entire life.

Which brings me to my in-laws. They've been SO's parents all his life, but their relationship with me has been... patchy :) I won't repeat what I saw as slights, but there were a few. Added to that are personalities. It took me from adolescence to real adulthood (late 20s) to come to terms with my parents personalities. Probably the time it took for me to stop seeing them as rulers who knew all the answers, and get to know them as people. Which I do now. I'm not sure I know my in-laws as people yet, but that's growing a bit. I've spent a little more time with them this year, and before the year is out, would have spent a little more time. Incremental growth is better than none at all I guess?

I guess the issue with both parents and in-laws is the same. You may not like the personality, but they're yours for life. With parents, you've had your whole life to learn and adapt/adopt. With in-laws, it's incremental. Also, I'm trying to understand what the rules are. With my parents, I've felt free to tell them when I don't like something they've said or done, for the past 5 or so years. I'm nice about it, I try to use humour and sensitivity, sometimes I fail, but I try. With in-laws, I don't yet have that relationship... what if I never do?

As with everything I do, let me try and flip this around. Say I have a son who gets married and his wife is not enamoured with stuff that I do. How would I like it handled? I'd like to believe that I'll have a close and honest relationship with my children, but realistically, that kind of relationship will only exist when they're adults. So if I do turn out to have the average, speak to you once a week relationship with my son, I'm guessing it won't be closer with his wife. In which case, I would probably appreciate it most if she said nothing at all, unless whatever it was, was driving her so insane that just telling my son is not enough.

Which means that it's the son's lot to be a buffer, whether he likes it or not. I try not to make SO that and encourage all my friends to vent with their girlfriends, rather than with their husbands, because it's rather cruel. The man may understand, may even sympathize, but can't do anything at all. And if the venting is regular and even slightly justified, he feels worse and worse.

How did it work before do you think? Did joint family daughters-in-law get together and discuss how things were different in this one? How people have their quirks and the best way to handle them? From serials and stories, it kind of appears that the mothers-in-law were cruel and the daughters-in-law bore whatever was meted out. Sons and husbands don't feature, or if they do, it's as mute and tortured spectators. Maybe there is some truth to the whole 'syndrome' and I'm being ambitious in thinking I have a solution.

Though I do think I have a solution, it's called mutual respect.

Motherhood

2009-09-30T10:16:00.001-07:00

I make no secrets about wanting to be a parent. I often wonder about what kind of parent I'd be and now that I have the opportunity of being around children, I think I'd be decent. But then, I get to leave them at some point. Maybe I'll be different if I've to be around them 24x7. Today I was reading a blog written by a lady who's 51 and has a 27 year old son. She put up a post when he got married, about how her role as a 'mother' is now done and she's retired. While I totally appreciate the sentiment, that she's ready to let him move forward with his own life, I'm not sure if I believe it.

I guess part of the not believing it is because my parents are still very firmly, my parents. Just as my grandmom still believes she knows better than her children, though she doesn't say anything. I'm sure I'll be the same, will always believe I know better, but hopefully will be able to keep my counsel. I've told my parents repeatedly that at some point, they've to trust they've done a good job, and let go. I think the parents that can do that have great relationships with their children. It's a relationship of mutual trust and respect. Where everybody knows that they're only opinions, everybody has them, and each person is as right or wrong as the other. The future may prove that one opinion had some advantages, but that's pretty much it.

I'm guilty of this myself. Believing I know better than others. Sometimes I do :) But most of the time it's just my opinion, and right now, I can see that.

Hopefully, if I ever become a parent, I'll continue to remember that. Everybody will have opinions, ways they've done something, ways their family did stuff for generations, and I'll have opinions. And one day, my child will grow up and form his/her own opinions. And I want to remember to let that happen, even when I hate those opinions.

Baby

2009-09-08T03:44:00.000-07:00

When I was in my mid or late teens, I figured I wanted to have children. I think I've always known that I've enough common sense to be a normal parent. Added to that I had a dog around the same time, which is very much like having a very young child. A child that you can scare and scold but not one you can reason with. I still miss my dog greatly. But in addition, I'm now feeling these very strong maternal pangs. Biological clock, or whatever it is... it's causing me some grief.

So, in addition to feeling these pangs, SO and I are trying. I think we're both at the stage as well where we'd be able to handle parenthood and keep it together as people and a couple. But life/fate/God has other plans. I know a few folks who got pregnant at first try. I know others who didn't for a year, adopted a child, and now (2 years later) are pregnant. I also know that I have PCOS. I try to keep the weight under control but I'm a good amount overweight. I know that I should reduce weight, but I'm lazy and am averse to Gyms.

With all this, the trauma I'm facing is that I feel like a failure. Just, an outright failure for my body not doing what it is designed to do. I have my periods and stuff, but no pregnancy! Unfair I say, how can I have the downside without the upside? With modern technology and medicine, it's now possible to buy ovulation predictor kits so you can tell at home (without medical intervention) whether everything's working as it ought to. The answer to that question is remarkably painful for me. At a purely logical level, I know it's not the end of the world. If things aren't working as they ought to, I go to a doctor and ask if anything can be done without surgery or other medical intervention (and when they say 'lose weight' I'll turn a deaf ear). If the answer is probably not, then so be it.

I'd love to believe that I can live with 'so be it' but I know that I cannot. I know that 'so be it' will turn into adoption or having dogs or something... maybe plants?

Music and Lyrics

2009-09-06T22:35:00.000-07:00

SO's travelling and over the weekend, I did stuff that he does when I'm away. I bought a ton of music and put it into iTunes and the iPod. As much as I love music, I don't listen to it constantly. I usually have a song running in my head and I love listening to the radio, because I like hearing songs unexpectedly. However, with new music, I'm more than happy to listen to it in order.

Oddly, I rarely buy music without having heard it first. I buy stuff that I like, as opposed to the SO and several other people who buy stuff to figure out whether they like it or not. This time, I bought a Kailash Kher CD with songs that I've not heard before. I love Kailash Kher's voice and though I hadn't heard these songs specifically, I figured it would be ok. After I put it on iTunes, I listened to it and wasn't very blown away. Then I listened to it on the iPod. I think there's something about this kind of music that absolutely requires close hearing. Kailesh Kher's voice in my head is a very different experience. And his team is also quite brilliant - Paresh and Naresh Kamath. The music is great, the singing is great, what more can one ask for? Lyrics you say? Also good!

Editted to Add: And after listening to music through the day (and being more productive as I don't surf mindlessly instead) I realised why I don't listen to music while I work. I usually feel like singing along. I can carry a tune, but I'm sure my office doesn't want to hear 'em!

Happy Anniversary!

2009-08-26T03:53:00.000-07:00

Today is our second anniversary! Last week we were on vacation with SO's parents and as SO's cousin was getting engaged in our city, they came here and stayed with us a couple of days. I learnt a lot of things about myself over the past week. That could be what this post is about, but only after I do some wishing.

The last post rambles a bit about the wedding, but not about the marriage. I want to say this about the marriage. I'm very happy in it. I'm now at a point where I love my husband very much, am very secure in his love and caring for/of me and enjoy our time and space together. I'm not sure what it is, but in the past year or so we've grown very close. Not necessarily in a mush way, but in the way that we want to share some stuff only with each other. That we are a little more sure of who the other person is and more secure in our comfort with each other. We've fought a lot less, undoubtedly because we're learning what the small stuff is that's not worth hurting each other over. And while I say we, I may just mean me :) Even if this is all just me, I'm really glad I'm at this place, and I'm going to try and remain here for a good amount of time.

I also realised that I'm an utter bitch! We live in the same city as my parents so SO's interactions with my folks are much more frequent than my interactions with his folks (though we speak on the phone weekly). Spending even 2-3 hours a months with someone is way different! I found a lot to make fun of, and when I was with SO, I didn't restrain myself! I think it irked him, if not outrightly upset him. I did apologise, but I know I've to watch myself.

This vacation wasn't the best. For one, I wasn't very keen on going as I'd just been on vacation in June (which was brilliant) and knew when I come back there will be a lot of stuff to take back. For another, SO's not the chatty sort, where his brother is. The last time we did a family vacation, SO's brother was there so I could relax a bit. For a third, the last family vacation did not include many temples (I'm not into organized religion).

Having said that, the engagement was brilliant. I find that I'm actually quite a part of this family. I know the people, I'm able to talk to them about stuff. I know the cousin will enough to give her moral support a bit. I was able to keep a couple of grandmothers entertained. It was work, but about as much as I do for the family I was born into. There are 2 weddings in SO's family and I realise that I'll be able to participate in those, the same way that I participate in weddings in my birth family. It's quite relieving.

Interestingly, SO's family and I don't speak the same language, but over the past 2 years, my comprehension skills have improved greatly. I'm still learning new words, but for the most part I follow conversations fluently.

We had an entertaining conversation on what parents look for in a prospective husband for their girl. SO's mom's view is that the guy must be of 'clean habits' and good character, as such a man will take good care of his wife. SO declared that he could be of both of these and still not take care of me, to which is parents replied that I don't need him to take care of me! :) I was rather entertained. I guess they also can see that I know my own mind and am well able to protect my interests.

What I didn't articulate is that for a spouse, that's not really enough. You need the sensitivity to know when your spouse is not comfortable with something your family is asking them to do, and the ability to head your family off. Alternately, you need to level with your spouse that you won't head them off, but you will sympathise and make it up in some other way. I think we're here. Both of us have this level of sensitivity and try to ensure the other person is as comfortable as possible in the circumstances.

Happy Anniversary dearest, and thank you.

Love and Marriage

2009-08-13T05:17:00.001-07:00

They're linked they say. In some parts of the world, love comes before a marriage, in others it comes afterwards. But they're supposed to be linked.

I just read a post on not being accepted by your significant other's family and the author's view is that if that's the case, you should just move on. An interesting view. The author has actually married a man whose family did not accept her outright. 6 years later, there's still some tension there and it seems like she's saying that if she was smarter, she would have moved on.

I'm strangely conflicted by this. Possibly because I'm a romantic at heart and believe that love conquers all. If it doesn't, then picking one particular person over another means absolutely nothing. Or there's no reason why one person can lift your spirits by smiling.

Maybe this is where the rubber of romance meets the road of reality. The man I love put me through many a hoop to get married. I'm fairly certain that if asked, he'll swear he went through his own hoops as well. His family... has their views about me I'm sure, and I'm sure they had their apprehensions about me as well. I'd like to believe that their chief apprehension only was whether I'd make him happy. I'd also like to believe that I have that well in hand.

I'd like to say that that's all my folks cared about, but that's probably not true. It's one of the things they look for, but then how on earth would they know what makes me happy?

I'm a little communicative on this subject because SO's cousin is getting engaged in a week or so. She's found a guy on Shaadi.com, she knew him 2 weeks before the families met and now they're getting engaged, to be wed in December. The guy doesn't seem very EQ aware. She's very excited about the process of getting engaged and married. My M-i-L is also very excited. SO and I are a bit apprehensive.

I realised in conversations with the cousin, exactly what SO and his family have done for me. Maybe not 'done' in so much as not prevented. I've never had to worry about working after marriage, or what clothes I'll wear or whom I'll meet, how late I'll work, whether I'll travel etc. A lot of this could be because we're in a different city from the in-laws, but I believe a lot of this is because SO doesn't invite any comments on these issues. As a result, even if someone wants to say something, they know they won't find a receptive ear.

When we were dating, my parents knew and met SO. They wanted me to get married earlier, but they knew that was in the scheme of things. SO's folks knew about me and eventually met me. His father declared even before meeting me, that they would not have any objection to anyone he picked. I think that's the key difference. If his family was not that way, he would be a different person. I jumped a track there, because when I started this paragraph, it was to be about conversations SO and I had about whether I'd be accepted. He had no doubts that I would be. Whether I would be liked... well what's not to like ;)

I guess the point that author was trying to make is that prejudice like that (rejecting your child's significant other) is usually only prejudice. Nothing to do with the person himself or herself, more based on some random principle that suddenly becomes more important than the happiness of the child you loved and raised. Fascinating right? This one cuts both ways. If my principle is that my child should not date/marry a drug-addict because it's not safe? Sounds somewhat reasonable? If my principle is that my child should not marry someone from a different religion because the conflict will be too much?

I guess at some point, the real 'parent' sees that their job is done and lets the child make their own decisions. They realise that their influence has ended and let go, permitting the child to make their own mistakes and live their own lives. I'm very like both my parents in pre-disposition, but the person I am is different from them. My beliefs, my ideologies, all different. Influenced, but formed separately. The SO is also very much like this. Probably why we know that we'll be ok.

I guess this one has rambled on a bit. I'm not a parent, I don't know what it would be like for someone to refuse to give my child a chance, simply because s/he is from a different community. I assume I wouldn't like it. Would I insist that the relevant significant other lets go of their family? I'd like to think not. I'd like to think that I'd want some perspective on all sides, and some maturity.

If my child has that maturity, and their significant other has demonstrated this, I'd like to think I'd be comfortable with whatever decision they make. But what if they don't? Not like I'm trying to find an absolute answer here, just that I guess I've seen a lot of this.

My cousin married a man and divorced him because they were not suited. She's now remarried with 2 children and very happy I believe. The first marriage was not any longer in the making than the second. The first man was less cosmopolitan, I'll say that. Also, she had realised that she didn't love him before the marriage, but went ahead with it anyway. If I was asked honestly what I felt before the marriage, it was resentment, anger and angst.

2 years later, I still feel depressed when I think of my wedding day and the week thereafter. What SO and I have now is different. What we didn't have then is my trusting him and a truckload of brownie points that he's now earned. Am I less happy now? No, but could I have been happier then? For sure! Is that SO's fault or his family's fault? No. Could they have done something about it? I believe they could have. Weddings are stressful times without the bride being unsure of whether her husband will take care of her or not. I'm past that now and in retrospect, I can see stuff rather clearly.

I can see that my anger was mainly at SO not understanding what upset me. He will never understand, he may not be able to 'take care' of me in some ways, but he's more than taken care of me in others. And I'm strong/mature enough to take care of myself in the ways that he cannot. I guess it's the same for him with my folks.

Our current relationships with our respective in-laws, are built by us. His folks may not love me, or even like me sometimes, but that's because of who I am, not because I'm of a certain community/caste/region etc. And if someone is not willing to give me or my children that chance, would I give up on love? I'd like to say no. And if someone asks me what to do? I guess I'll say that love matters but love is not stupid or self-destructive. Which I now realise is exactly what that author was saying - just that in her non-selfdestructive state, she'd have let him go.

Is this the answer?

2009-07-28T05:14:00.000-07:00

A child's education should begin at least one hundred years before he is born. -Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr., poet, novelist, essayist, and physician (1809-1894)

Instinctively, I want to agree with this comment. Then I realise how unfair it is. This means that those with access to education will always be better off than those without. Well, for at least 2 generations at any rate. Which means that for India, if we can ensure 100% availability of primary education, it will still take 100 years before all our citizens will be more equal than they are today.

Interestingly, if we look at the rest of the world, is this theory borne out? Maybe the issue is what 'education' means. So - schooling doesn't always mean education. As endless research about the US has shown, several of their citizens (who've completed basic schooling) can't identify several US states on the map and know very little about the rest of the world. Their attitudes to other people and other countries is also not the greatest. So then, what is education? And does schooling equate at all?

Too much to think about...

Praying for Patience

2009-07-20T01:09:00.000-07:00

One thing I've learnt about myself is that I do not tolerate incompetence at work. I become very curt, bordering on rude with people who do not do their job. In my defence, I give them a long rope, give them a lot of time to demonstrate their competence or otherwise. And once demonstrated, I find it hard to remain civil.

So I'm writing this post now, to drown out a few voices around me. Specifically the voice of one chap in a consulting role who self-confessedly doesn't do very cutting-edge work, but wants to do more. He has vision, but he has incomplete strategy. I think he doesn't listen very well. He hears what people are saying, but very rarely makes sense of it. I've worked with several people over the years and some of them are a joy to work with. They push you hard to be clear and consistent on what you're saying, but understand and supplement/complement. This is not one of those.

The intense irritation of a few seconds ago seems to have passed, so I was able to delete the vent that I had typed. I guess what really irritated me is that he was on a loud phone call, disregarding that there are other people around who probably have their own things to do. I've also grown a little intolerant of insensitive people. For instance, people who don't realise that their jokes aren't being appreciated and continue to make the smae jokes, again and again. Unfortnately, this chap is one of those as well.

I'll get used to it, I'll get used to having to think a lot more before I react... :) I'll grow up some more as well.

Mush

2009-07-15T23:22:00.000-07:00

I've been reading several 'what my man has done for me' lists and thought I should do him some justice. I've vented several times about when he's let me down or not done what I wanted him to do or some such. Time to talk about what he does. Effortlessly.

I won't put down a list with numbers, because every day has something more/new. I think the biggest thing he does is to let me be me. He occasionally asks for things that I'm not completely comfortable with, but by and large, I don't have to watch what I say/eat/wear/cook/do. This is a great relief to me, but I guess I've known this all along. With SO, I get to have my own mind and opinions and even life. Of course, with this is the unconditional love. He may not like everything I say/eat/wear/do/cook, but he loves me anyway. I could argue that it's mutual, but that's not the point is it?

He takes care of me. In little ways, but still, much care. I only notice when he's not there that laundry piles up a lot and that I'm doing a lot more to keep the house clean and bills paid. He also does the little stuff, like buying things I like, only because I like them. The most recent of these was cocoa powder. He doesn't drink the stuff at all and in an attempt at frugality I bought Cadbury's. I much prefer the Hersheys, one box of Hershey's had gotten over and I didn't buy another because I had Cadbury's. He bought Hershey's and didn't tell me :) just so I'd be surprised when I drank milk one morning. It took me 3 weeks to find it, but turned to mush when I did.

He brings a lot of stability to 'us'. In my professional life, I come across as calm and unruffled. In my truly personal life, I'm not like that. I guess I've to work this one out. I don't lose it in times of crisis, but I'm not generally calm. I'm quick to anger and in my personal space, I'm vicious and take snap decisions. I've left shops because I wasn't served before someone else who came after me and stuff like that. SO's not like that, so when we're together, we wait a little longer before storming off. As a result, I'm a lot nicer and a lot less hot-headed. I still get angry easily, but I don't hurt myself because of it. I often hurt him though ;)

He's also taught me a lot about myself and taught me that it's ok to be completely different from what I am.

I guess I'm writing all this because I feel it now and want to remember this and more. I know that over the years there will be more. There will also be times when I think of all the times he didn't hold my hand or buy me flowers, and as long as I also remember cocoa, we're good.

More on RF

2009-07-10T04:32:00.000-07:00

So... between Google and Wikipedia, no famous person has any privacy. I did some surfing about Roger Federer and I find he's quite awesome. He learnt when he was young, that he was too emotional in his playing - so now he holds off on the emotion, till he finishes the game. Imagine, a lion of industry admitting that before a huge win, he's not able to concentrate on what he's doing, because he's thinking of what he needs to say when he's done?

Not satisfied with knowing about the person, I looked up Mirka, the woman who's lucky enough to be married to this gem. I guess he's a normal person as well, who wakes up with bad breath and a rotten temper (though I don't believe it) but she's 3 years old than him! She used to play tennis but stopped in 2002. She's not stunningly beautiful and she's not very 'hot' but Roger loves her. Awww....

Roger Federer Rules!!

2009-07-10T03:39:00.001-07:00

So, I worte a post about the great man last year, after he lost Wimbledon. And what a year this has been for him. Till recently, I didn't know that he hadn't won the French Open till this year. So last year, when he lost the French Open, he was upset, but when he lost Wimbledon, he was devastated.

This year, he won both - and is clearly over the moon. I'll tell you what I've seen this year. I've seen Roger Federer talk directly to his fans on Facebook. I've seen him depressed after the Australian Open and then ecstatic after the French.

I watched the Wimbledon finals and ... I was conflicted. I'm a Federer fan. Will always be because he's a fabulous player. But I felt quite bad for Roddick. He played well, played hard, and lost. Was he outclassed? I'd like to say so. Mainly because the final set went to 16-14. If he was not outclassed, he would have won it 7-5 or so. Could it have gone on longer? Certainly! Could Federer have lost? Certainly! But here's what I think makes him special - he didn't want to lose. He played some points badly, was on the verge of break of serve several times, but he always got out of it. He was calm, collected and cool. He played with the conviction that if Roddick had to win, he would have to comprehensively beat Federer. A single double fault wouldn't do. A bad passing shot wouldn't do. It would have to be a sold drubbing.

Will Federer be solidly drubbed? I'm sure he will, at some point. But for the time being, he's World No. 1 again, and all's right with his world.

Now I Get It!

2009-05-25T04:59:00.001-07:00

So... I always thought that blogging helped me understand myself better. It did and it does, but apparently not completely. I had to read another blog (www.unmana.com) to understand why I as almost 'betrayed' by SO's willingness to have a traditional wedding. To understand why I'm always afraid of his turning out to be somewhat different from what he thinks he is.

It's a rather dramatic statement, I know. But what I mean is, that when we discussed stuff like religion and rituals, we seemed aligned. We both seemed to agree that ritual means nothing to us, and using it to 'get married' didn't make sense. And yet, that's exactly what we did. Which is probably a part of why that day was not 'special' for me. That's another dramatic statement, and not one that I'd acknowledged much before.

Let me see if I want to take this one further.

Marrying the SO has been a challenging affair. I will say this, he was the one to first mention marriage, maybe seeing it as a given if a guy and a girl get 'physical'. I, on the other hand, was quite willing to let the 'physical' happen cause I wanted it to. What happened later, happened later. In my defence, I was 24 and relishing my first job and independence.

We progressed beyond that, to SO being totally resistant to the idea of getting wed before he was 30. So, at 23, he was ok with getting married at 30. Cool huh? I struggled with this, but it was weird to break up because he wasn't willing to get married. It hurt then, and to some extent it still does, but we went with it. We enjoyed each other's company, he didn't seem to want anybody else and was willing to put enough effort into it to ensure I didn't want anybody else either.

Then the actual discussions began. The discussion of when, where, how etc. When (as I'm sure I've blogged on here) shifted by a few months. Now when I look at it, it was just 2 months, but after 4 odd years of waiting, movement for reasons that I wasn't very convinced with was a let down.

Where, was relatively easily resolved. The 'how' caused me a lot of pain. SO, who refuses to visit temples, who doesn't do any pujas for festivals, agreed to have a traditional wedding. Without consulting me. Just agreed. Would consultation have helped? Probably not, I'd have been just as shrill and hurt, without understanding why. My parents also failed me sort of - they agreed to a traditional wedding without consulting me, but my father has always been strongly on the side of tradition, so I was not surprised there.

I guess it's all weird right? You test all relationships - knowingly or unknowingly. You put pressure on them from time to time and see if they'll hold up, of where the points of failure are. Then you address those one way or the other. With friends, you fix that by altering the rules of friendship, or by discussing what went wrong and vowing to be more supportive in future.

With a spouse - what do you do? I'll tell you what I did. I decided that we were too far along the road to call it all off due to my 'discomfort' with my spouse to be. I was a mess, I did nearly call it off (depressing my parents in the process). I did also speak to SO, to the extent possible. I was saying at that point, that he was not communicating enough.

For various reasons, we got past that. I'm ok with the wedding and the marriage. I will always have some scars from the process, but most of the wounds have healed.

Here's hoping that new ones aren't created.

Just what the truth is...

2009-05-22T00:54:00.000-07:00

I'm 'disturbed' today. Maybe I was disturbed yesterday as well, but I definately am today. Some part of this may be PMS. I get more frustrated than usual as a part of my PMS. And maybe the bio clock isn't helping.

I'm going to take great comfort in the fact that nobody reads this blog to vent somewhat. I've never been 'thin'. Even when I was quite ok, my body image was of being 'fat'. As a result, I almost never felt attractive. There were moments, but nothing with regularity. I was never one of the girls who boys were 'interested' in. I was one of the 'safe' ones. I still am. In some ways, I enjoy this - I'll never need to be worried about being hit-on at work. But I'm still a girl, I would like to be hit on!

I met SO and he wasn't drawn moth-like by my amazing beauty. He does love me, very much. Sometimes I feel relieved that my looks are not as important to him as looks sometimes are to men.

I'm learning though, in a few years, I'll be polished and elegant. Well turned out for all occasions (except for my hair) and probably be admired for my 'togetherness' but still not hittalbe on. Some part of this may be my resistance to exercise.

And there you have it. The mood has turned. I'm not too upset, I still (at 32) have good skin, and decent bones. I would change my nose if I could, but as long as I groom decently and moisturize well, That stuff won't change too much. Which leaves exercise... but that's another blog ;)

Now I know why I'm a fatty... I'm too comfortable being fat.

The Fine Balance

2009-05-12T02:40:00.000-07:00

There's a book, isn't there? Rohinton Mistry I think - called A Fine Balance. I've no idea what it's about.

Just that I'm in office today and have no inclination to work, but have a bunch of stuff. Some of it is not hard work, just high visibility. So, though I don't really care, and can't get it really wrong... I also cannot put it off.

My heart is paining and my mind wants to sleep.

In the middle of this (need for a vacation basically)is my personal desire to have a child. A desire that I believe my husband subscribes to. One that requires participation from both of us. The challenge of course is, the lives we lead and the way the system of conception works. A window of two days, alignment of items inside the body and alignment of stars and galaxies.

Given the challenges in my personal life, I'm not hoping for much. What challenges you ask? If I think over it, nothing in my personal life has come easily. I've had difficult relationships with myself, with my family, with SO... I've had a challenging time getting married... Why should having a child be any different?

The only area where I've had it relatively easy is in making friends. I have a truckload of em and I'm very glad. Not that it's simple to make and keep friends, just that it's not tied to my daily existence. It's not tied to my innermost feelings of worth and stuff. This is odd, I'll admit. The only places where it becomes tied to my idea of self-worth, is where I feel unattractive since I have several good male friends, who are purely platonic friends.

So... I'm worried about not having children, because I do want to get pregnant. I'm open to adoption, but I'm very worried about how the relationship with the husband will survive this. Survive my wanting to get pregnant and no efforts being made in that regard. Maybe it's true, we're degenerating into platonic friends as well...

Ranty?

2009-05-11T21:25:00.000-07:00

There are some things I want to say. Some part of it relates to a cousin of mine, who wrote a note on Facebook about her maid.

See, now we all have maids. Ladies who clean our houses, cook our food, take care of our children - whatever it is that they do. And we always have complaints about them. Why? Because we 'expect' them to be different. Why would we expect them to do what we do? If they could do what we do, why would they be our maids? And in a world where everybody is equally skilled, we could well be their maids.

I guess this is where the 'feudal' mindset still prevails in this country (India). We still think there are people to 'serve' us. Why on earth? We employ them to do a job, and they do that job with as much sincerety as one who's paid a pittance to do it will. I work long hours, I work hard - I work smart... Whatever I do, it's my job. I enjoy it, but there are times when I hate it. If I apply the same logic to them, they probably hate their jobs a lot more. And worse than me, they're compelled to do precisely that job. There's no scope for change, no 'different role', no 'more money'... nothing. A sustenance job that they can't do anything about because they have homes to run.

And this is probably what depresses me about Slumdog Millionaire and White Tiger. The lives of the families described, will never end the way they've been fictionalized. If that chance existed, this country would be very different.

It's a disgusting kind of cynicism. I hate the self-perpetuating nature of society, and yet there's absolutely nothing I can do. I try to let the lady that cleans my house know that money for studies will always be avaialable, but is that enough? The way I see it, the only way up is to ensure that every child has a shot at a future - through education and nutrition. And what kind of country cannot assure that?

Follow Up

2009-05-04T06:13:00.000-07:00

So, it's a new month, and I'd like to get pregnant :) Will I? I don't know. What I do know is that I'm going to stress about it. Not about how often SO and I 'baby-dance' but about whether I'm physically ok or not. About whether my body is able to get pregnant, about whether I did something horribly wrong in my past life or in this one, which will mean that I can never have children.

And through all this, I've not ruled out adoption. I do know that I want to have children in my life, but I also want to be pregnant. And it would be nice to have a little 'us'.

Life...

2009-04-26T22:42:00.000-07:00

So, my period did arrive and clearly I'm not pregnant. What I am though, is remarkably calm. Last week was not a lot of fun, but it ended well. Well-ish I would say. Friday was a lot of fun. Saturday was - stressful as I had a lot of rushing around to do. Sunday was relaxed.

And here I am. At work, knowing what i need to do and not afraid of any of it. But I'm amazed by how much things... work out. I've been working very hard and need a vacation. I wanted a couple of days off to just relax. But then I saw this program on TV of a riding school that has camps for children. I asked them if they have camps for adults, and they do! So if I can do that for a few days, I know it'll be perfect!

I'm excited about it as it combines two things that I really enjoy - relaxation with horses! I hope it works out! SO may not be with me, but I think it will be fine. It's near where his parents' house is. So he can come along for the weekend and we can return together.

I'm very thankful for my life!

Aaaargh!

2009-04-20T20:54:00.000-07:00

So i took a test today and failed it. Now I'm just pissed off. I've had a bunch of symptoms which are not normal PMS things for me. And yet, here I am, failing tests! It's just wrong!

I'm going out for a short walk, to spend some money and get some bank work done. Maybe my period will arrive, to complete the shittyness of of all!

Save Me!

2009-04-15T01:27:00.000-07:00

I'm going insane trying to figure out whether I'm PMSsing crazily or I'm .... well... i don't want to say it in case i jinx it.

Today, the breasts are feeling better, but the moodiness is more. there are some gross issues - like gas, leading to constipation? not really constipation - just difficulty.

I'm feeling tired/sleepy - but i always feel sleepy! I'm also feeling thirsty - but it's summer!!

I read someone else say on a board "I hate pregnancy, the symptoms are so 'everyday'" I totally second this!

Irritating!!

2009-04-14T02:44:00.000-07:00

So, we decided that we've been married long enough, we should think about children. This was last year in May. As per the plan, I was going to get healthier between May and November and begin trying in earnest in November. The archives have a post from October, when I though I might be pregnant... Then I started working like a bit of a maniac. Right through till March. Around that time, SO also travelled (Feb to March). So our earliest bet was April.

In April, I did some bodily research and think I got the timing right. It was last week. From Saturday, I've been feeling the following:

1. Crabby - have violent mood-swings with things upsetting me much more than they normally would.
2. Painful breasts and nipples - TMI for some, but hey - nobody else reads this blog right?
3. I guess bloated? I feel full most of the time, don't realise that I'm hungry, can't eat too much.

Yesterday I had slight back pain - like I get with my period (again TMI I guess)

Today, I've a new one - fluttering in the lower abdomen. Not sure if it feels like period cramps or what. It's all rather confusing.

I'd like to believe that I'm pregnant - but what if I'm not? Apart from these, I see no symptoms. No food cravings or aversions, no fatigue (though I'd certainly like to sleep), no nausea, no bleeding.

I'd like to tell someone other than SO that this is going on - just cause I'm very excited. He's excited - but much more cautious. Doesn't want to get too hopeful in case I'm wrong. If I'm wrong, I've a lot to worry about. This is rather kick-ass PMS!

Shammi Kappor and Mohammad Rafi

2009-04-08T06:06:00.000-07:00

Have a lot to answer for! I grew up listening to Mohammad Rafi and spent significant amounts of time watching Shammi Kappor movies. All romantic, with intensely romantic songs. Small wonder that I'm incurable!

He's Back!

2009-03-24T02:57:00.000-07:00

I may not have mentioned it, but I think I did. SO was traveling for 5 weeks. Added to this was my own travel and slightly hectic life. And added to both these were some slightly traumatic events - illness in family. The net result is that I was missing SO terribly. Oddly, it was not in a confused way of enjoying being by myself - it was in the way of missing someone who was a part of my every day. It sank in only yesterday when I returned home and found him sitting the way only he does, doing something. I realised only yesterday how much I missed his quiet presence. When I say quiet, I mean the times when we may be doing different things - but are both in the same place at the same time.

Just got some more family bad news... so glad SO's back!

Anoop Desai

2009-03-10T23:32:00.001-07:00

So we have another American of Indian Origin in the American Idol. Anoop Desai. Unlike Sanjaya Malakar, this boy can sing and is more mature (hopefully won't rely on propos and shock value). But I'm confused... is he in because he can sing? Or because he appeals to a bunch of 'demographics'?

He's No. 13, he came back on a Wildcard. That's approximately twice that America didn't vote him through. Did the judges let him back in because they trust his talent? Or because they were told that he appeals to many American demographics and the Indian Amercian demographic?

Come to think of it, there are absolutely no Indian-American recording artists in the US. Though India is a gigantic market, and a good consumer of other American music.

Am I being psycho?

Of Friends...

2009-02-26T01:40:00.000-08:00

Apparently Oscar Wilde said 'Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.' Several people have said stuff like this. To me, this means one of two things:

1. They're wrong; or
2. I'm not a woman.

When I was little, I had mainly male friends. Might be just because I have an elder brother who's just a year older. For a really long time we hung out together and had the same group. I went to an all girl's school, so made female friends along the way. Then to a co-ed school and college and now have many friends of both sexes. I also continue to make more friends of both sexes. What I've just (literally, just) realised is that it's easier to make friends with women on an on-going basis. With men/boys, you've to make friends at some strategic point.

Most of my male friends (and they're good friends) are from school and college. Times when we had plenty of bonding opportunities not related to technical discussions or alcohol. I will confess that in college sometimes it did relate to alcohol, but often times it was just talking. And after many years of talking, you apparently build a bond that's impossible to break.

I say apparently because last weekend I met a bunch of my friends, mostly male. I've not met some of them for 8+ years. But we're still the same. We still have fun together, are able to talk without inhibition, without taking offence. I miss them! And there's no passion, enmity or worship. Only friendship.

On a slightly different point, one of my friends from college is... treating himself badly. He's a dear friend, a boy's boy. I hadn't met him for absolutely ages, but I still feel for him like I did in college. Which is that he's a good friend and I enjoy spending time with him. I had an absolute blast, but he... drank way too much. Apparently he's also been very ill in the recent past. He'll do what he wants to, but I feel like asking him to keep himself going, for his friends and family. I don't want to lose another friend, especially where it is completely avoidable. I'm not sure how I communicate this to him, without completely pissing him off.

I also find that guys think it's easier to do stuff that their wives disapprove of in hiding, rather than either change or have a frank conversation with their wives. I wouldn't put it past SO to do the same, but I'd like to think I have given him enough security to tell me that he wants to do something (play video games all night, smoke cigarettes, drink like a fish, smoke dope, etc.) I may not agree with him, but my view is that it's his life and his health. I refuse to take responsibility for it, just like he refuses to take responsbility for mine (being fat, eating wrong, not exercising, etc.) I think this works and am not sure whether the other way is because it's convenient...

I guess the upshot is, I'd like to think that I'm a better wife than some others, but I'm fairly certain everybody's only doing the best they can for their own marriages... and I'm not a woman :)

On Roger Federer

2009-02-02T01:48:00.000-08:00

So he lost yesterday. It was a very sad thing to watch, I thought he'd win all the way upto when he lost. Just one break down after winning the 4th set convincingly. I thought Rafa's tiring, Federer's still strong. Then came the break and eventually the break down. I believe that Federer handled last year because it was a bad year. Every athlete has bad years, times when things aren't going the way you need them to. He honestly believed this year would be different. He had a dream run upto the finals. He had a tough match that just suddenly fell apart.

And hats-off to Rafa. He knew that he had made Federer cry. The way Steffi Graf made Jana Novotna cry all those years ago. Federer watched Rafa snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. It hurt him cruelly, but he pulled himself together and made a speech.

What I'm hoping for now is that he can pull himself together and get through the year without a monkey on his back. Without thinking that Rafa's just better than him. But thinking that Rafa had a good day, a couple of bad calls, a couple of errors and it could have been Federer's good day.

What I took away from that match was that the two players, though different in style, are so well matched that it comes down to the last set, to who has a better game, to who has the better calls/challenges. I am indeed privileged to be living in the age of these players. To watch true sportsmen and athletes battle it out with all they've got. I just wish their hearts didn't break when they lose.

News and News

2009-01-29T02:59:00.000-08:00

Roger Federer is now in the Australian Open Finals!! Though this may not affect anybody else personally, it affects me. I care that this man, who had an appalling year last year, has come back to win the quarters and semis in straight sets. Now let's watch the finals.

In other news, my brother's been 'let go' from his job. He's in the US and his employer has been forced to cut jobs. It is shocking to have this happen to someone I know. I know things are bad out there, people are losing jobs and all that, but I honestly didn't expect someone I know to be affected. Especially someone who was told by teachers that he 'would go far in life'... I'm slightly afraid for my brother.

Free Flow

2009-01-18T00:29:00.000-08:00

I'm in a meeting on a Sunday afternoon. The discussions going on don't interest me in the slightest so I'm listening to music. It's strange when there is a room full of conversation going on that you cannot hear. And what you're listening to flits across your face. I wonder if anybody else is looking at me, so I look up. I catch your puzzled eye, wondering what I'm thinking. Why I look excited, then wistful, then the secret smile.

The world is a scary place, we're so much 'out there'. I give my all to my work and the people I work with - well, if I like them. I don't lie, I don't hide, I don't pretend. I expect the same from them and most often I get it. Scary because if we're seeing each other more than family... we become closer to each other than family sometimes. This is not a bad thing, just a sad thing.

Its at times like this that I miss SO a great deal. I don't want other people knowing what I'm thinking and feeling, trying to keep me entertained or cheer me up when I've had a rotten day. So far, I've managed to not let that happen, but this week was bad. A few days ago, I was very unjustly accused of not doing my job well enough. I was wounded, to say the least. I had to keep a professional air about it and I did for the most part. I cried my eyes out. But my colleagues didn't see that part (well not everybody). I could have looked to my colleagues, and if I was angry with SO for being distant I might well have, for support and reassurance.

This time, given the way I'm feeling about SO, I walked away, called him and bawled like a baby. It was amazing how much I cried, first time I've ever cried like this about work. Hopefully the only ever time. I've been upset because of mistakes I've made, but not offended violently because of an undeserved comment.

I miss my husband!

Johnny Cash

2009-01-09T01:05:00.000-08:00

And this song called Hurt - http://in.youtube.com/watch?v=SmVAWKfJ4Go&feature=related

A colleague sent a bunch of us this. It's a Nine Inch Nails song (http://in.youtube.com/watch?v=gjwgYvzQWS4). It is Johnny Cash's confession. His telling God that he repents, and now he's ready to die. This is all I'll say because anything more makes it less.

Why I love being Married

2009-01-07T20:31:00.000-08:00

So I never thought I'd get to this stage, but here I am. I'm away from SO again, but just before I travelled, I spent about 10 days almost completely with him. I had just come back from one trip and a few days of work which were rather harrowing but the upside is that it was very Honeymoony. I was just so happy to be with him that I didn't fight with him at all. I think we made it through the entire period with only him getting angry with me once. And I absolutely loved it.

To my mind, this is what a Honeymoon would be like. You spend time just being with that other person, when you're at a stage that you're happy to be together, enjoying each other's company. No other stresses, no tensions apart from what to do for the day (in our case where to eat). I loved it and I love him. I also think this is why Honeymoons are important, they help the couple bond as a couple. To understand what they mean to each other and how they think about certain things. I've not had this time with SO in a really long time. We try on weekends and stuff but the growing together takes some concerted time and bonding.

And so now, we're an 'us'. We have opinions, we have likes and dislikes, we also have fights but at least 'we' exist.

And Men will be Boys

2008-12-18T20:08:00.000-08:00

So... the more you work, the more you realise that you're the only girl/woman in some situations. Not a bad thing, but guys sometimes forget this. Leading to an overdrive of testosterone and a higher level of irritation. Irritation because men are boys. In large groups where they are not close friends they discuss the most mundane stuff. Cars, watches, girls... I can stomach the cars and watches, having some interest in cars myself. The girls part upsets me greatly. It upsets me as a woman, and it upsets me as a person who works fairly hard.

Yesterday, I went out with a bunch of the guys I'm working on this project with. They're fun and stuff, enjoyable to hang out with, but constantly checking out women. Ok, so you get past that and say to yourself that they're appreciating, what's the harm in that. Then we go to a club. There are several girls there who are dressed to party, and are clearly girly girls - slim and sexy. I'm trying to put down what I found offensive. Why don't I start with the setting. It's a club in a city outside India. A club that shuts down at 3:00 a.m. or so. There is a band that performs here, with a 'lead' singer who's Canadian. She's hot, and a lot of people hit on her. Apart from that, she's got all these men who want to be close to her. Married men, out for an evening of fun with their friends. They may go regularly, or they may go off and on. I also have no clue about whether she has any objections, but I find it hard to believe that she wouldn't. They're out of shape, they're Asian, they're short and have children who may be this girl's age. They put their hands on her waist and their heads on her shoulder. Maybe she enjoys it... It would be like Bar Girls in Bombay or the Thai Bar Girls. Maybe she does.

Then there are all these other girls. Girls that go out to clubs, well dressed, in gorups of girls only, accepting drinks from men, dancing with men, giving men their phone numbers. Men that they just met, men that maybe they meet regularly at these clubs. The understanding appears to be, I'm young and pretty, you havemoney and want company, let's get together. Maybe some of these go on to be more, but it all seems so shallow. The guys feel happy because they're in the company of pretty girls, the girls feel happy that they went out and partied, without spending much money. And yet, all these men are married. I doubt very much their wives are thinking 'Thank God he's gone out with other women to dance, I so don't want to dance with him!'

So the trauma for me is twofold. The first is that one day, SO will be like this, or in this position. Senior enough to be working like a dog and want to party hard when he's done for the day. Maybe it'll be different because SO hates dancing... so maybe it'll never be him.

The second is what is a working woman to do? I work hard as well, and I love to dance. But dancing requires either supreme confidence in yourself (i.e. not caring how you look) or a very safe environment. Partying with the people I work with, when I'm not in the best shape physically, is not much fun. I had a bit of a blast yesterday, 2 of the men I was with are good dancers. Meaning, if you let them lead, you have a pretty good time. You know how it is? Their upper arms are locked, so there's that pull, you'll only go so far out, they've got you. Both of them are married and I'm fairly certain their wives would love to dance with them. Just that this dancing, their night-out-on-town dancing, is not for themselves, it's for work. So, when they're with family, they won't do this.

But back to me now... What am I to do? These guys are my colleagues, I don't want to become a party girl for them, but I do like to party (i.e. dance). Does that mean I've to find other friends? The other irritation is that they're all so Male!

What is a girl to do?

The Woman and the Mind

2008-12-17T04:31:00.000-08:00

So I've never pretended to be anything apart from a woman. And this woman, she's part atavistic and part... well, I want to say refined, but that might be too strong a word. Maybe evolved is the right word. I'd like to think that I'm a good person. A person who can see beyond animal urges. But then... maybe I'm not. I've met a couple of men recently. They're so 'man'ly that it borders on chauvanistic, but they're hot.

So here I am. The 'Woman' thinks that these men are hot and likes their company. The 'Mind' thinks that they're chauvanistic and... well problematic at many levels. An additional problem is that I work with these men. So they can't know what the Woman is thinking. And I need to watch how I communicate what the Mind is thinking.

Ah, the absolute joys of being a working woman! I guess there is a genuine upside to this. The various pheromones that the Woman gets, keeps the Mind relaxed and functioning effectively. The downside is that the Mind is constantly checking the Woman.

I guess I was unaware or unwilling to acknowledge how strong the Woman is. I'd like to spend some time on this. The Woman adds a very useful dimension to my job. There is a lot of empathy and patience that she brings. She also brings some genuineness. But at some bottom line, she's very elemental, reactions are very immediate. The Mind is able to bring some balance, actually a lot of balance. And even in this situation, they get to work together... to keep Me standing.

Of Friendship and Death

2008-12-08T03:08:00.000-08:00

It seems odd that in the aftermath of the horrendous 4 days in Mumbai, I'm talking of friendship. I guess the real advantages of an anonymous blog is that nobody knows who I am, so if I say a friend died in that episode, it doesn't matter to anybody but me.

The reasons I'm talking only of my friend are many, but the core is that while the insanity was unravelling in Mumbai, I was rather blase in Bangalore. I knew that some strange shit was going down in Mumbai, but what the heck, it's Mumbai right? Far away from me, etc. But wait a minute... suddenly I found out my friend died. So here's the scene, I'm Blase in Bangalore, I've another set of friends in the US. They're even more blase, because what the hey, Mumbai's soooo far away. But then our friend dies.

In some senses it feels like a play. We're all happy, hunky-dory living our lives and suddenly we hear this. I could write a school play, where one by one, several characters go on about what this particular individual meant to them. Some good friends, some acquaintances, some loved him, some hated him... all of which is true. But does this mean that we've reached a state where we only feel, when something touches us directly? So all this empathy that I thought I had is actually nothing?

Quite apart from that, my friend and I had this weird bond. He would keep in touch a lot. I would reciprocate but never initiate. For some time because the amount of attention I would get made me uncomfortable, for some time because he married a person I wasn't too fond off, for some time because he divorced her and the reason why made me wary of him. And now, he's not around anymore.

I guess in some way I want to say goodbye to him. To the person that he was, steadfast. I remember a lot of things about him, but I think this piece was paramount. My friend was steadfast. If he thought something was right, he would tolerate no less, and he would appreciate 'right-mindedness' in everyone, everywhere. I will miss him a lot.

Somalian Pirates and the World

2008-11-17T22:22:00.000-08:00

I'd heard reports about Somalian Pirates. I also know that the Indian Navy has recently rescued a ship that was almost held hostage. I incidentally did some reading and have some opinions (as usual).

Somalia is going through a phase of anarchy where its each person/clan out for themselves. There is apparently no thought given to development of the country as a whole. So the fishermen began overfishing their waters - meaning that in due course there is nothing left to fish. Then the piracy began because it's another way to make money. People are starving and other people are making tons of money by being pirates. Nobody but Somalia can prosecute the pirates because it's either piracy on the high-seas or piracy in Somalian waters. Somalia may not want to prosecute the pirates - after all they're earning money in dollars!

Where does this leave the rest of us? Is this what the White Man's Burden is? Noblesse Oblige? The responsibility of various groups who've gone through this, who know better, to teach those who apparently don't? But who are the enlightened? And what if the un-enlightened don't want to be enlightened? What if every single Somali is willing to have the country disintegrate and the population die? Do we stand by and watch?

Somalia was the centre of a lot of world attention in the 80s and 90s. Famine, civil war, UN Peacekeeping. Eventually the world stepped out and allowed Somalia to take care of itself, and apparently it doesn't want to. Is that a problem? Should it be?

From a distance I can see that their attitude is short-term. It will only lead to more anarchy and an implosion, but if they don't care, what can anybody do?

It's a deeply philosophical question. You can educate and you can empower. Once you've done that, you've to let the person/group/country make their own decisions. They may not be decisions that you would take but they are not your decisions to take. You get to stand by and be a spectator to violence and disintegration. You get to cry when all the things you said would come to pass actually do, and all the pain you forecasted is felt.

But you still get to hope that things will get better. For them and for the world as a whole. If you give up that hope, there is almost no reason to go on.

Me and Abortion...

2008-07-20T22:45:00.000-07:00

Interestingly, I can trace all my views on abortion back to a single statement from a lady doctor, who had come to my school to teach us about sex. She showed us a picture of a foetus at 4 weeks or so. She asked us how a woman knows she's pregnant. One answered "When she starts vomitting". Thanks to all hindi movies. True enough, but the first sign, she informs us, is a missed period.

Then she shows us this picture, little baby, hands forming, big head, marks for eyes and nose and stuff, and asks us what we're thinking. Then she says "Are you thinking that you look so human, and your mother doesn't even know you exist yet?" From that moment, I knew what to think. I had other conversations with myself about bodies and souls and when a soul enters a body, when life begins etc. But that was always at the heart of it. Once the foetus is formed - whether it carries to term or not, it is alive. It is a human being.

This all has some special meaning now. I've been trying to get healthier, and want to have a child quite badly. I've missed my July period quite comprehensively, but am not at all sure whether it's just the residual PCOS angst. I was regular for 2 months before this, but 2 months is not enough right? I'm waiting for another week before I take a test. I'm also a bit of a mess. I'm still me, I'm quite excited about being pregnant (if I am) but I'm a bit of a mess. I'm over aggressive and over weepy. I'm not sure at all that I'm pregnant, but there is a chance. It's a scary chance too :)

I wish there was an easy way to tell - like the little toe on my left foot would twitch uncontrollably and then I could be sure. The thing is, with the tests - you've got to wait for a long time to be sure. The initial tests may be negative, and then it may be positive... Or it may actually be negative. So how long do you wait? How long do you decide to keep non-alcoholic... How much exercise is acceptable?

In short, am I pregnant or ill?

Dil ko... nahin pata hai

2008-07-14T22:18:00.001-07:00

I watched Jaane Tu... the other day. It was only during the movie that I noticed the brilliance of Nazrein Milana. It's a nice breezy song but has some wonderful vocals. The words... they're fine, but the music and voices are amazing. Of the singers, I've only heard of Naresh Iyer before, and I'm glad that all the others were involved in this.

About the movie though. I saw Pratiek Babbar. I had read a review before which said he was good, so I was expecting a lot. He was good, I'll admit, but not stunningly so. Not like, say Vivek Oberoi in Company. He did have a tiny role though, which he did well. I found it a bit irritating that he was so upset by his sister having her own life. But, that's also not his fault. I realised somewhere in the movie, that he's also Smita Patil's son. He has her cheek bones I would say. Some of the intensity of expression as well. I was intrigued and wanted to see more of him, so did some Google-ing.

I noted a few things. Pratiek is the only child of Raj Babbar and Smita Patil. Raj Babbar has two other children, Arya and Juhi (both of whom debuted in Hindi movies, but didn't make it very far). Raj Babbar was married to Nadira Babbar, whom he left to be with Smita Patil, and had Pratiek. Smita Patil died in giving birth to Pratiek. Pratiek then stayed with Smita Patil's parents, and Raj and Nadira Babbar reconciled. Do I see a minor hindi movie right here?

So many thoughts about all these real people... young people too. There are some older people, who made choices that have shaped the lives of the younger people. I hope they put sufficient thought into it.

Love and Poetry

2008-07-11T03:54:00.000-07:00

Hindi Movie style...

It's very interesting that there is a firm link between love and poetry all over the world. My take is that love arouses the 'finer feelings' in a person, which are reflected by poetry rather than prose. A great example of this (at least, I think it's fabulous) is a song from a movie that's flopping. Thoda Pyar Thoda Magic has this song called 'Nihal ho Gayi'. I listend to it many many times before I realised what it was saying. Partly because 'Nihal' doesn't mean much to me. But one day I listened to a verse:

jisko main bheed kehta tha wo log ho gaye
jisko sadak samajhta tha wo raah ho gayi
chamakti aasma mein gol cheez chaand ho gayi
ho teri ek nazar se, ho teri ek nazar se
daaliyon mein jhoomte wo rang phool ho gaye
khushbuon se saans saans maalamal ho gayi
teri ek nazar se zindagi nihal ho gayi

What I thought was a crowd became people;
What I thought was an ordinary road became path to a future;
The round shiny thing in the sky has become the moon;
With one look you've changed my life.
The colours on branches have become flowers;
My breath is filled with perfumed airs;
With one look you've changed my life.

ek hawa jo paas aayi to jhonka kaha use
paani jo barasne laga rimjhim kaha use
hothon ke mudne ko muskurana kaha
ho teri ek nazar se, ho teri ek nazar se
badla mahina to naya mausam kaha use
sur naya naya nai nai si taal ho gayi
ho teri ek nazar se zindagi nihal ho gayi
nihal ho gayi nihal ho gayi

Wind passed by me and I call it a breeze,
Water falling became a musical drizzle,
The bending of lips I now call a smile;
With one look, with one look,
Changing months have now become seasons,
New sounds sound like music,
With one look you've changed my life.

My translations may be rubbish, but think of a person who couldn't care about the moon. Didn't ever look at it as a magical thing, and then, suddenly one day, it's a special object.

:) Now I know why I'm a romantic. And will probably remain incurably so.
Life and love are very beautiful. Sometimes the beauty of it all makes me cry, sometimes the sadness of it all makes me cry. I guess I'm just generally weepy :)

Federer v. Nadal

2008-07-07T01:54:00.000-07:00

I saw most of the match yesterday. Federer losing to Nadal. Not such a big thing in itself, but coming hot on the heels of a loss at the French Open in straight sets and the fact that Federer has won more encounters on grass than he has lost. Yesterday, if he had won, it would have been his 6th Wimbledon title. Beating some older records that he had equalled last year. It was a well fought match, but to me, Federer was outclassed. Rafael Nadal was the better player yesterday, and it's only correct that the better player wins.

Does that mean that Federer is done for? One of the commentators was very vocal about how this loss is going to destroy Federer. Which is what sometimes makes me very grateful that I'm a normal human being. My definition of myself and in fact, my own identity, depend on things apart from my 'ability'. And I hope that Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal are aware of who they are, apart from being superb tennis players.

I keep thinking about that match, and maybe at some level the commentators are right. Being the champion was a part of his identity. There was one particular volley where I could see that Federer did not expect a return. But he got one, a brilliant one at that. Nadal on the other hand, clearly knew that he had to be prepared for everything. He did not ever give up. It was a brilliant game, just a little sad if you were supporting Federer.

And now we get to see the stuff champions are made of. A man who has played and won for over 5 years now, whose career has proved that he is a brilliant player on a lot of surfaces, has to decide what he is. Is he able to admit that he is a brilliant player, but not always the best on a day? Is he willing to admit that? Is he able to push himself hard enough so that he is at the absolute peak of his own skill? At that level, if he's the better player on the day, he will definitely win. But if he's decided in his mind that he is generally the better player, that's not good enough.

The way I see it, the Wimbledon final only showed that one thought he coudl rest on his laurels, the other was clear that he has to push forward. Either way, the future of men's tennis has just got a whole lot more interesting. And with all this, Nadal is 22 and Federer is 26. Each can safely play upto the age of 30. :) Fun Fun Fun.

Inauthenticity

2008-06-30T04:06:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about what someone calls the 'authentic self'. The person you 'are'. This has nothing to do with philosophy and culture or anything else. This is the basic personality that you have. And his thinking is, that if that authentic self is imposed upon, basically by your own ideas of who you want to be or what you want to do, it will be abidingly unhappy.

I believed that my authentic self was happy. Objectively, I'm a happy person. Partially because my professional life is going well and my personal life has all the trappings of success. However, I'm not abidingly happy. I mean, I find myself being unappy from time to time, and not because my work makes demands of me. I tried to blame this on other people and situations, but that's not the case, because I am unhappy, they are not. So... why am I unhappy?

The root cause appears to be that my marriage is not all that I want it to be. See? Now I can be completely objective and say that it's not all I want it to be. Therefore, the issue is with me. Either with regard to expectation or with regard to perception. The only issue here is one that I have consistently refused to acknowledge before. What if my expectations of a marriage are reasonable, but SO cannot possibly fulfill those expectations with his authentic self?

I was asked: What did I hope marriage would do for my life?
I had hoped for a partner who would be happy to spend his free time with me. We would share responsibilities around the house and spend time making each other feel happier. Spend time bonding and eventually have children. What I really want is companionship at a soul level. For someone who knows that I am tired, to try and make me feel better, either by massage or conversation or just by hugging. I'm going through a rather demanding period at work. Not that the work is un-doable or outside my understanding, just that there is a lot of it. I often need a hug at the end of the day. And SO is working too hard himself, comes home late, watches TV till he's sleepy and goes to sleep. By then, I'm asleep and any affection that he shows me, wakes me up - making me very very cranky.

What qualities would I be able to express in an ideal relationship?
Affection. The joy of being with somebody. I have always wanted to be one of those couples that walk down roads holding hands. Not because they're afraid of losing the other, but because they rejoice in being together. As long as I have known SO, I have know that he is not comfortable with public displays of affection, so have tried to be good about this. He is also not comfortable with private displays of affection - something that hurts at times and rankles at other times. Clearly, this affects me greatly. For a variety of reasons, not the least of which is that I did not see my parents enjoying each other's company when I was young. I didn't get the sense from them that they were happy with each other. They are still together, but it was difficult growing up with the tension and constant arguing. I promised myself that my children would not have that. I'm not sure if this 'requirement' of mine is just something in my mind or something that is part of me. I have a ton of friends, and I'm affectionate with them, in that I give of my time and thoughts. Displays of affection are not physical. So why do I demand more of this relationship? Why does it hurt me that I cannot hold SO's hand and smile sappily at him? This requires more thought.

What cannot I do (that I really want to) in this relationship?
The answer is related. The answer is to freely express affection and to have children. I really want to have children and we're making no progress in that department. For a while, I was also at fault on this - was developing PCOS. However, I've modified diet and have taken on an exercise routine. This should make me better, can't say for sure. However, we're nowhere near on the way to having children. I believe this is for no fault of mine. Also... given the way I feel otherwise, I'm not sure in my mind whether it's right to have children. Clearly, they'll see only what I saw. Which is again not something I want for them.

What was my level of satisfaction with life before I got married?
Contrary to the way my question was phrased, all my life, I've known that I want to be married. I want to share my life with someone else, share my home with someone else. Due to this, my level of satisfaction before marriage was low. I wanted a husband, exactly like I want children. The urge to be married, sharing everything, came in my mid-20s and was very very strong. The urge for children has been with me maybe 3 years now. Impractical as I wasn't married, but now...
I can see that if SO turns coat and says he can't do this, he doesn't understand me and marriage, I've become a total bitch and he wants out, I'll agree. I'll also be looking for someone who's ready to get married shortly after that.

There are a few more questions, clearly framed because I seemed unhappy with being married. Myabe if I had expressed a dissatisfaction with this particular marriage, the questions would have been different. I can ask myself. Am I unhappy in my marriage? Yes. I am. I can be honest about this. What I can't tell is, why.

This being unhappy results in me snapping at my husband for stupid little things, making him feel that I'm a bitch, or worse, making him feel inadequate. I try hard not to pressure him on the baby as naturally that makes him feel even more inadequate, but I'm not helping anything. I used to think that the issue was with respect. Which was that I didn't respect him enough. That is very possible, because in the whole process of getting married, I was buffetted quite a bit.

I'd like to think that I am over that. The scars have faded quite a bit, but new wounds keep forming. Wounds along the lines of 'if he knows that I have difficulty sleeping with noise/light, how can he watch the tv with the volume on high?' It presumes a level of sensitivity, which either he may not have, or may not think is necessary. The bottom line is that I make him walk on eggshells in his own house. My excuse? That he does the same to me. He has told me of his 'expectations' for the way the house should be, and I try very hard to keep it like that. I think I feel that I try very hard, but he isn't trying.

I think I have found the inauthenticity. The answer of course is, that conforming to his expectations is hurting me, partially because he is not conforming to my expectations. But then, what are my expectations? What I've listed above? Can you make someone show 'happiness to be with you'? What if they think they 'show' it enough, but you don't think so?

Is the question then, who would need to be less in-authentic to meet the other's expectations? Is that a fair question? Can the answer and living that answer ever be satisfactory?

Kya Hua Jo Laari Chooti

2008-06-12T01:24:00.000-07:00

Interestingly, I'm always thinking of songs that suit my mood. I.E. I have a song running in my head all the time and it usually echoes what's happening at the time. Yesterday, the song echoed the sudden excitement at meeting someone. Today it is a song asking what's the matter if you miss the metaphorical boat ... :) My subconscious is a bit surprising. Why am I worried about missing boats? Cause the crush has ended as quickly as it began. The man is married with children.

I've noticed this about myself, if the object of affection is 'reserved', he's forgotten somewhat quickly. Not because he is not interesting, just that it's not an option. The more 'reserved' the faster things get closed. Strange I think... but morally defensible.

And then there was...

2008-06-11T22:08:00.001-07:00

The past week and a half has been a bit crazy. I was in the US last week and had fun, but slept badly. I managed to exercise though, so that was very good. I got back on Sunday, which was a remarkably crappy day due to jet lag. Monday I went to work and managed quite well, in the evening I found out that my aunt had passed away. She was very ill, bed ridden and had Parkinsons, so couldn't talk, couldn't move, nothing. It is a good thing that she is no more, but she was my aunt. Endless summers of my childhood were spent with her and I miss her. I messaged SO to tell hem, and he messaged back and forth a bit. I was a bit hurt that he couldn't call.

Monday night I slept very badly and on Tuesday I found out that I had to travel again on Wednesday. Domestic only, so no real stress, but just the packing, catching a flight... irritating. So here I am now, in another city. And what happened? Yesterday I got to the office, walked in to the relevant meeting room, and fell for one of my colleagues. It's a weird crush, I can't explain it. I guess I could explain it as missing SO, but it's a very interesting experience. I've spoken to him before, but very little. And here I am, crushing away!

We'll see when this ends.

Looking for Romance

2008-06-09T00:27:00.000-07:00

Life and love... I'm in a strangely philosophical state about both. I don't know what it is, but just thinking generally about the nature of both. People fall in love, fall out of love, fall in love again. I notice that life is also similar. People are born, they live, they die etc. Some times during this very life time, they are born again. They go through dramatic transformations which make other people that know them wonder who they are. That make their loved ones wonder if they're the same person. That make their lover wonder if this is the one they fell in love with.

I'm going through a slightly transformational phase with regard to my body. I'm trying to eat more healthy food and live a generally more healthy life. This has made me tend towards vegetarianism and get a bit militant with exercise. It's been just 5 weeks, and I've missed as often as I've hit, but I could sense some fear. Fear when I said, I may become vegetarian from the inside out.

Whether I will become vegetarian remains to be seen, but it got me evaluating people and changes that people go through. You can't base your decisions on a person based on what they told you two years ago. But can you constantly poll them? Do you say, these issues are still important to me, what do you think about them now? For instance, it's important to me to maintain a healthy life style, what do you think? And if the answer has changed since you first heard it... do you say stop, this is not what I signed up for? Do you then renegotiate the terms of your being together? How does it all work?

I was reading about this author, I've clean forgotten his name, but I'm sure Google will help me find him. David Sedaris. The only things I remembered about him are that he is gay, lives in Paris, and has recently been 'discussed' for his non-fiction being over embellished. Anyway, what struck me about what he said about his boyfriend:

"In his case, he writes, Mr. Hamrick annoys him by walking too quickly, leaving Mr. Sedaris to scuttle, bewildered and lost, in his wake. But then he remembers that Mr. Hamrick does all the couple’s paperwork, and handles all the money, and fixes all the broken appliances, and negotiates all the day-to-day living, and how happy he is when he finally spots Mr. Hamrick again."

So which of this is important? The division of labour between the couple? Or the feeling of joy when he finally spots his boyfriend again? Are both equally important? Would he stop caring about the division of labour if he was no longer happy at spotting the man again? I think that's the key. To all lasting relationships, the key is to be able to smile every time you think of the person you love. Parents have that with children most of the time. Spouses have it with each other in the honeymoon phase. Then they have to work hard at maintaining it. How? That's a brilliant question. That's one that has me twisted in knots. This is probably also the source of all pre-wedding jitters and cold feet.

You cannot know for sure, ever, that for the rest of your life, you will smile when you see a particular person. You cannot know that even though they make you furious today, tomorrow you will be besotted again, wondering how you could have ever harboured a mean thought about them. So what then is marriage? The belief that no matter how bad things get, this person has the qualities that will make you forgive them everything, everytime? And then what if this person changes?

And in all this, what is romance? What is that spark that the various movies have... that make us feel that this man and this woman, who appear to have nothing in common, will make it to a happily ever after?

Hi, I'm A and I'm an Incurable Romantic

2008-06-03T19:08:00.000-07:00

I've noticed this about myself in the past, but thought I was over it. I used to get excited at weddings and love watching romantic comedies. I thought I'd grow out of it in time but now I'm learning to accept it.

What is really weird is not that I'm this way, but that I'm also very cynical about the world in general. I try to believe the best of people, but I know that people are people. I know that when times get tough, most people quit. I know objectively, that a movie is a tiny chunk of a fictionalised set of occurrences in some people's lives. I know that some movies even romanticise love too much, leading to a bunch of impossible expectations.

I know all this, and still when I see SO, my stomach moves around a bit. I know that real life and real love are remarkably hard work, and still (unless we're fighting a lot), I'll take all that hard work to have some time that I can snuggle into him and feel that absolute peace.

No Wonder!

2008-04-28T04:14:00.000-07:00

For anybody that cares to notice, I started another blog regarding my aim of losing weight. Well, more about getting healthy really. Now I know why I needed to. I'm middle class Indian and am eating too much, see? For those who have no idea what I'm talking about, over the past few days, Condoleeza Rice and President Bush have suggested that improving nutrition in India is responsbible in some part for price rise in the world.

:) So now I'm watching what I eat so the starving masses in America don't feel so bad. Maybe for my children, it won't be that there are starving children in Africa, but that there are starving children in the US?

Today...

2008-04-18T07:15:00.000-07:00

I am not a happy person. I'm functioning normally. Nobody around me knows, but I don't want to go home. I'm depressed and really don't want to meet SO. I mean, I want to meet him, but I'm angry with him. And he doesn't seem to care.

Why am I angry with him? Because he doesn't understand me, but won't take the trouble to do things that I request. I know that sounds weird. I mean, he doesn't understand why I like things a certain way. Fine, I get that. But it's important to me that they be done that way, so if it doesn't hurt him, couldn't he just do them that way? Do we have to go into 'why' every single time? Can he genuinely not see the why? To me the why is logical. The most fights we have is because I don't like waste, and it doesn't affect him much.

I guess what depresses me is that I feel very strongly about it. I just read that poor in India are getting less and less food. In my own country. So how can I order more than I need? In cities itself, there are issues with water, so how can I use more than I need? To me, these are matter of fact. They are not debatable - waste is wrong. Is this a bad principle? Am I asking for too much?

So the things that upset me are, opening taps too wide when washing hands, washing vessels etc. Letting water run when not necessary, using more gas than necessary, ordering more food than you can eat. I guess the 'necessary' part is where the main difference is. What he thinks is necessary, I think is too much. I try not to crib, but it genuinely hurts me. What's worse is, sometimes I get depressed that it doesn't even matter to him. Not the hurting me part, but the waste part. We live in the same world. We are exposed to the same poverty around us, and it doesn't matter to him.

What set it off was that yesterday, he'd made rice in the pressure cooker. Not bad in itself. But he used the biggest available vessel for that. We have normal sized vessels, that would have comfortably held the amount of rice he wanted to make. So I asked him to use smaller vessels. I was tired and hungry and really didn't want to eat rice (cause I prefer not to eat rice at night). So I was making my own meal. He asked 'why'. I snapped.

I understand that the situation arose more out of tiredness and hunger, but I'm still angry. I couldn't apologize last night and I didn't even want to share a bed with him. I'm still angry and don't want to talk to him. I mean, I want to talk to him, but I want him to understand.

And it hurts that he's never going to.

The worst is, I don't know what to do about this. I can get beyond yesterday, beyond his not wanting to make amends in any manner. But I can't get beyond the fact that this is important to me. Trying to make the world a better place in small ways is important to me. He doesn't get this, but he does manage to mock me and pick holes in my attempts. I know I'm being petty, but so is he at times.

I've prayed for strength on this many times, and I'm going to continue to pray. I love him, very much. When we're making sense to each other, we have a great time. But when this happens.... throws me off.

Phoenix Squeaking

2008-01-08T03:16:00.000-08:00

The urge to write has struck again. Oddly actually. Just a few days ago I was thinking that I've stopped writing. Partly due to not having anything to write about, partly due to not having an audience. But then, as usual, I need to write for self.

Last year was a nice roller coaster. This year promises to be much of the same. I think I did a New Year post at the beginning of 2007 but don't really want to visit it now. I know that life went on that year. I know that my job went on, went pretty well actually. I'm happy and confident and pretend to be overworked :) That's the best way to be, pretending to be overworked. I think in the past year, I came to terms with my work and my role. I didn't always want to do what I'm doing now... i.e. this profession. I wanted to be in a very different line when I was much younger. However, in 2007, I figured that I really enjoyed what I do, I'm good at it and with the right level of support, I can do a good job. I'm not a star, but I'm nice :)

That's my consolation for not being a genius. See, if I was a genius, I would be nasty, cause I woudn't have much patience with mere mortal's inability to understand. But being a mere mortal myself, I'm patient and nice. I guess a large part of my role, and my new job (new from November 2006) has been to understand a situation and communicate it clearly. The people I'm explaining to should ideally already know the situation but often don't. The ones that do are a pleasure to work with, we're all on the same side then. But the ones that don't fight the other side's battle first. It's a challenge to convince them, without getting hyper agressive. My new job has helped in this a lot, by providing me information. Now, I understand properly myself, and therefore can explain without too much stress.

On the personal front... I guess a lot happened. I got married, for one. Did that change anything? Not really. Having known SO for a bunch of years before we got married means that there's no real 'newlywed' time. But there is still a lot of adjustment regarding new family and stuff. Stuff that I honestly didn't think I'd need to deal with, but have managed reasonably well. Sometimes I'm not very interested in being a good girl, but I'm still not rude or nasty or even bad. Just a little less gracious than I would be otherwise.

At some level, I find it irritating being a daughter-in-law. Like I find it irritating to be a daughter. The 'duty' is a chafing leash, but one that's on for life. The Daughter Leash was one that I was born with, the Daughter-in-Law one, I chose. :) Serves me right what? It's not like there are some weird demands, just that there are demands, when I'm not ready for them or not in the best mood to deal with them. But still... duty right?

Turn Turn Turn

2007-11-21T22:34:00.000-08:00

It's really strange. I want to blog about this but... I went for a wedding reception yesterday. The bride was my classmate in college, the groom two years my senior. The groom and I worked together at my first job. The groom was my first boyfriend. I had a half boyfriend before him, and he and I didn't last very long, just about a month... but there you have it.

I fell in love with him at some point, we went around shortly after that, and we broke up shortly after that. About 6 months afte we broke up, I started seeing SO. It's not the history of the relationship that I want to write about. It's about the guy I knew, and, due to pride... now know no longer.

Well, maybe pride is a harsh word, more like self-preservation. Even when he and I were seeing each other, he was seeing the girl he eventually married. They were not in any real relationship as they were in different cities and she was seeing someone else, but they were definitely emotionally engaged. One of the reasons I broke up with him. Yes, I broke up with him. Because I was (and am) a total romantic, and I could see that though he liked me very much, his love was reserved.

I've not met him in ages. I've not spoken to him in almost as long, but whenever we get around to talking, it's for hours. He was in some ways, the most gentle person I knew. Not in terms of thoughts or actions, but in general. He was accepting of anything. He had his bad points for sure, but I don't want to think about those for now. What struck me when I saw him yesterday was that my first boyfriend had got married to a woman he's loved for a long time :) Made me quite happy. And made me remember the time I spent with him.

That led me to the time when I met SO and fell in love and all of that. We've been together quite a while now and have quite a while to go, but it was nice to reminisce. It was so nice, in fact, that I was much nicer to SO than I normally am when he came back at some un-Godly hour and woke me up. But that's a different story...

Depressed and Scared

2007-10-30T23:09:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've been in this situation. I've been here before and last time as well I was seriously depressed. I made a mistake at work. The fall out is limited as we sort of caught it in time. I'm also doing whatever damage control I can and my boss is being an absolute gem about this. However, the mistake was made, and it's my fault.

These are the times when being responsible really scares me. Normally I tend towards the right thing. Erring on the side of caution and all that. This one... has two points of view. It would even have been ok if I had considered the two points of view and subscribed to one. It's just that I missed the issue altogether. My mistake.

The problem with this is, I become very unmotivated about future work. I become scared of making another mistake. Then I end up overanalyzing everything, turning to my boss at all times etc. Not a very pleasant place to be in.

I know I'm handling the situation ok. I'm not running away, I'm taking responsibility, willing to face the flak, willing to do everything I can to fix this. But I'm still scared. The last time this happened, I worked myself out of my job. This time, I know I'm not going to do that. I'm going to stay and continue to do my job. I do know I'll never repeat this mistake, but I'm petrified of making another one.

More Serious Issues

2007-10-17T23:05:00.000-07:00

I have strong views about abortion. It's odd, I'm not sure that my views relate to religion but... on deeper examination they probably do. When I was in college, I discovered the 'personal-political' situation. To me, it's where you have personal opinions that are actually based on some political views. You could say that it's purely personal, and nobody has a right to dispute/judge them. You could say this, but it is always important to realise that opinions are based on your view of the world, of what is right and wrong... and eventually, the information you are provided.

I chose abortion to talk about because my views on it formed very early. I realise that some part of this is because I went to a Catholic school but a large part is because I believe in re-incarnation. I find it fascinating that I do not believe in organized religion, but I'm deeply religious. I do not know what to do in temples and churches and the like, but God is very important to me. When I was quite young, I decided that souls do not get extinguished. I'm not sure why I decided this but it made sense to me that people are souls in bodies. Bodies die, souls go on. And souls are therefore reborn. Then when I thought about the time of rebirth... the 'quickening' seemed like an artificial point of time. 'Quickening' is the time that medicine decides that the foetus has an independent existence. This is a bit weird, cause though a day old foetus cannot survive on it's own, it is still another existence right? A whole different life. Therefore, to me, when conception occurs, life begins. And thereafter, to end that life is murder. Therefore, abortion is murder. But then there are other issues. Surely there must be some situations in which abortion is defensible? Sure there are, when other people do not believe what I do.

Basically, when I look at the issue of abortion, I can see how my personal opinion is advised by several religious and political issues. I believe that the fact that I can see this will enable me to participate in a discussion on the issue impartially. I know why I feel the way I do, and can see why others may not feel the same way. This means that I will not push my view as being the only 'right' view. I'd like to think that all the world needs is some sensitivity to the views of others... but does this mean there is no objective 'right'? Tough one :)

Marriage and Divorce

2007-10-08T02:33:00.000-07:00

So two friends of mine are getting a divorce. From each other. They've known each other since they were 15/16 and were seeing each other when we were all in our early 20s. Now, he's 30 and she's 29. They got married 2 years ago, soon after she got out another marriage. Not very encouraging circumstances, but there you go. When I heard they were getting married I was horrified. I didn't think it made sense. Her coming out of a divorce that she hadn't initiated, him coming out of a break-up that wasn't pleasant. I didn't know her too well and knew him well. Didn't want to cause them any trouble so didn't voice any opinions. When we met up as a group, they seemed happy together. Quite in love and all that.

Two years they managed fairly well. He has a travelling job, she didn't want to travel when she should (though for a large part, she didn't have the option). They met whenever possible but she always seemed... not completely happy. He on the other hand, was always very upbeat about the situation. In retrospect, seems to me like she'd come out of one bad marriage and was very scared that she was in another bad marriage.

Last week they announced their divorce. Her without any reasons but with resignation and him with much angst. I was always a better friend of his, and will probably stay that way but it's so sad. She is unique. She defies definition, probably one of the best things about her. She lives life on her own terms and damns the consequences. She doesn't particularly care what other people (even her friends) think of her but does like having them around. I know that she's not happy to do this, but I also know that she was definitely more unhappy in the marriage.

It's almost horrific, I feel for them both, quite a bit. And then I worry about SO and me. We're very different from my friends, and in some ways, very similar to them. I'd like to believe that I'm independent and 'own terms'y but I know I'm not completely like that. SO is traditional like my friend and has the same 'we will make it work' conviction. But sometimes I wonder, what if it's just not working? You can keep trying and it will keep being broken. Do you pretend otherwise and continue? Or do you stop and say, lets stop wasting our time and get on with our lives?

Life is short, regrets are long. Living in a mistake will be the longest regret ever. I known in my mind that what they've done is the right thing. But facing the death of a relationship is not easy. Even if it's not your own relationship.

Bring on the 'Laws!

2007-09-06T03:23:00.000-07:00

So now I'm a married woman. Not like my daily life has changed, but my weekly life may have some minor modifications. Like I will need to call SO's parents or talk to them when he calls. I will need to attend functions in SO's family etc. Normal family stuff, but not normal unmarried stuff. After spending a week with SO's family and getting to know them, I'm not worried about that part any more. There was a time when I worried that I would not be able to be a good daughter-in-law cause I no longer have the 'will to adjust'. But turns out that not only do I have it, I'm quite willing to demonstrate it. I'm not sure how much that had to do with it being SO's family. I would do as much for any friend's family and any set of elders. I guess at the end of the day, I'm happy that I'm still the nice person that I used to be. The person that I thought had changed.

I have changed though, the insecurities I had about SO 3 years ago are not the insecurities I have now. There was a time when I was sure that he would find someone that he loved more and therefore, would leave me. That's not it anymore. He may find someone else that he loves me, and he may leave me... but strangely, it doesn't worry me as much as it did. Now instead, the worries are about living harmoniously with someone who's quite different.

What I find weirdest about my reactions are the remarkable anti-climax of getting married. It's like now all hope is out of the window and it's SO for life. Not like I don't want that, but when he really pisses me off, I can no longer think of the knight in shining armour who will sweep me off my feet and away from the insensitivity of SO. Don't get me wrong, I do want to be with SO for life... but see what I mean by the anti-climax? Nothing changes after marriage and the things that irritated me before, continue to irritate me. Likewise for him I'm sure. And since we've been together for so long, there's no 'newlywed glow' either. But hey, that's the down side of knowing someone well before you marry them. It's quite funny, SO and I were staying with his relatives and he showed little inclination to do stuff with me, i.e. go for walks with me or go out when I was going out etc. It's normal for him and after he did it a couple of times, I stopped getting seriously upset. But not so his mother. There was a time when my father-in-law was going to the nearest town and asked me to go along, to see it. I promptly agreed and asked SO, who said no. Then when it got time to leave, he was patiently putting his shoes on. Upon careful and subtle questioning, turns out his mother commanded that he comes along as well :) I was quite amused.

So now, being a vetran of marriage, I'm all ready to meet the in-laws in their multitudes knowing that I will not disgrace them, my parents, or myself.

Stuck with You

2007-08-01T21:12:00.000-07:00

So I think I finally have an answer to why love marriages are better than arranged marriages. Cause you've only yourself to blame if you're 'stuck with someone you don't love or even like'. Every girl I know (and I mostly know Indian girls) has faced the 'marriage' question from the minute she finishes studying. Several of them have found their own men and married them, but those that have not got married till quite late or not at all... get the 'arranged' treatment. They're educated and independent and yet worlds of parental pressure put them in this situation.

The situation of meeting guys and contemplating spending the rest of their lives with them. I think I've mentioned this before, but one friend of mine refused to meet guys because turning them down after meeting them would make it personal, whereas refusing the arranged marriage route is a matter of principal. She has unfortunately succumbed to meeting guys... and is now turning them down - personally.

And these are the girls who have the luxury of meeting guys at their own convenience. So for one of these, you probably have about 20 that meet guys at their parents schedule. And after meeting about 20-30 guys, you probably figure 'hey, he's seems nice, no BO, can't be all bad what?'

It's not very different for guys. One man I know who's a nice guy, not a stunner but a really nice person went through this. In his late 20s his mother (father had passed away a few years earlier) convinced him that it was time. He looked and he looked and found that he couldn't have a sane conversation with majority of them. After a while, he found one that he could talk to for more than 5 minutes and agreed to marry her. The enormity of what he'd done struck him shortly after the engagement. Now they're married and are the kind of couple that snipe at each other. Given their social context, divorce is almost out of the question. The only upside is no children yet.

You sometimes see arranged marriages that work out wonderfully and love marriages that fail horribly. I sometimes look at SO and wonder if it would have been easier with a guy from a more similar social background. But then I figure, a lot of it is about making an effort. You need to make that effort whatever the lead up to the marriage was. But with the 'love' part of it, at least some bond already exists.

Stuck on you as opposed to stuck with you?